i’m not always okay
she had finally been broken
after all this time
after all this fighting
she crawled to your feet
and begged for you to help
was tell her
- you were her last hope
Some days my heart pours out of my eyes and comes slip sliding down my cheeks. An offering to Aphrodite who drinks from my soul with a silver chalice. Greedily taking more than her share leaving me a hollow shell of a lover.
I think back to the beginning. The stars. The sky. Time. It was all endless. My heart was unburdened with past affections. I was a blank book for love to write it’s story. I searched endlessly for the author to my heart. Knowing he was looking for me. I believed in the Greek myth of soulmates. My other half was wandering this Earth suffering, looking for me to complete him. To complete our journey through this life together. Oh how the gods laughed at me.
Your eyes glint in the darkness, glossy lips parting as you whisper simple nothings.
I was a kid then, too lost in my own head to understand how much that moment would come to mean to me.
Your jokes were so childish,
and yet, as you held a stuffed rabbit up to my flashlight, making his shadow dance across your ceiling,
it was as if I was laughing for the first time.
I couldn't breathe when I rolled across your bedspread, hiccuping with giggles as tears streaked my face, wrapping you in a fierce, desperate hug.
I don't think I'll laugh that hard again.
It was not that your joke was particularly funny.
I suppose the tears were born of relief more than comedy.
Relief that I could still smile after all that had happened.
After the tears I never let you see.
The ones that scar my cheeks even now.
I scrawl here what I am too ashamed to tell you in person-
you saved me when I could not save myself.
I entered the grocery store and saw them: yes.
I literally ran towards them. I held them in my hands and practically fondled them. Fresh flowers. And they could be mine for five ninety-nine.
I had tears in my eyes.
For weeks, I had been alone. Yes, I have three roommates, all of whom are nice enough. But that particular morning, Michael (roommate #1), with his shrill voice that could have broken the sound barrier, prevented me from reading quietly when he complained in his high-pitched decibel that he was out of eggs. And I had just about had enough.
And when Robbie (roommate #2) came downstairs later that morning and once again ignored my presence, once again said nothing, I snapped. I can't stand being ignored. I said a crisp hello, to which he grunted. And that was just about enough.
My walk to the store had been fraught with individuals whose idea of safety is to walk within two feet of me on a narrow sidewalk, not stepping out of the way, no remorse. In order not to explode, I had to tell myself that they simply can't read, simply either don't watch the news or outright deny it.
So when I walked into the store and saw the sunflowers, I gave myself the permission to say: Yes.
I practically lept on them. And I cried.
And yes, they are alive and well. And somehow, so am I.
The fact that you didn’t want to live anymore
-Couldn’t find the joy in life
Didn’t make me want to cry…
Living without you did
Can you understand all the reasons why?
Twirling you in circles through the air while your laughter strangled the both of us into adoration
Tickling you to get you to smile for the picture in which we both wore red
I still have it framed to this day
Laughing as you sang to the Ting Tings:
“Shut up and Let me go!” buckled in the backseat on the way to pre-school.
Your fear of snails always cracked me up
And made me your protector always
(It’s a fact I’ve eaten escargot, no snail would ever harm you my darling daughter,
As long as I exist in your world)
Even all the crazy moments
no matter how crass
seemed like a dream
because you were in those moments
alive and thriving with me
just you and me against the world
my best friend and legacy
I’d always want you to be
Here even when I have gone
So there is something left of me
Because the best of me is in you
You are the very drum my heart beats to
There is no other rhythm to carry my song
And you are as strong as you are resilient.
To this life
To this world
Planted by the hands of God
I still see you blowing the dandelion wisher
At the age of three
So mesmerized by its complexity
I saw all the wonder and delight in your eyes
Life is still unfurling in your eyes
And there is still more magic to experience in this life
You are my lifeline
I pray you flourish
I pray you shine
But most of all I pray you always know
How much I truly love you and
How proud of you I am!