the thoughts the thoughts THE THOUGHTS they’re running spinning racing around your mind and never stop neverstopneverSTOP remember that time in first grade in first grade the girl with the pigtails in first grade remember do you remember i remember you said something and she cried you said sOmeThing and she CriEd remember you hurt her youhurtheryouhurther how could you how could you she remembers she doesn’t forgive you the girl with the pigtails in first grade she hates you shehatesyou OH and today that man you passed in the street remember that man that man who you made eyecontact with the man you passed in the street with the sunglasses the dark sunglasses and you made eyecontact or maybe he wasn’t looking at you but you KNOW he was cause you saw him and you KNEW he saw you or maybe he didn’t but you know he did and why did he the man with the sunglasses look at you why you aren’t you scared just imagine thinkthinkthinkthink about him following you you should have run the man in the street with the sunglasses why whywhywhy what did he want the man in the street the man in the sunglasses you should have run you should have then a couple hours ago like two or three hours ago like around four or five o’clock probably around then just a while ago and your head hurt it was just like bambambambambam BANGing on the inside of your skull and your head god your head you took your medicine did you take your medicine you definitely got out the bottle did you take the medicine two of the blue ones the blue ones not the white ones the bottles look similar though did you take them you did you’re pretty sure but why can’t you remember is that why your head still hurt because you forgot to take them no it was just a headache but headaches don’t just happen for no reason BANGing does not happen to normal people but it’s just a headache my heartbeat in my head poundpoundpoundPOUNDPOUNDPOUND that doesn’t just happen right or does it does it happen remember that guy with the brain tumor the guy with the cancer and the brain tumor he had a headache but it wasn’t a headache wasnotaheadache he had cancer he had a tumor no idea noideanoidea and he died do you remember he DIED do you have a tumor a brain tumor is that what this headache is no you don’t have a tumor it’s not cancer why would you have cancer but it might be a tumor and you might have cancer and you don’t know youdontknow he didn’t know he didn’t know it was a tumor and he DIED maybe this is it maybe you have a tumor maybe you have cancer and you’re gonna die you’re gonna die youregonnadie no that’s crazy you called the doctor remember your doctor you called her and she said it was nothing to worry about nothing to worry about so stop worrying stopworryingSTOPworrying she said you should sleep you should sleep you’re probably just tired just tired and that’s why you have a headache you’re tired you should sleep that’s what she said your doctor she said not to worry so why are you worrying but you’re in bed and you can’t sleep you’re not tired wiDeAwaKe you’re wide awake and you can’t sleep so should you worry you should worry right right because she said you were probably tired but you’re not you’re nottired nottired at ALL and all you can do is think thinkthinkthinkthink and will it ever stop can you just stop thinkthinkthink thinking for a SECOND just stop stop talking stop thinking be quiet stopstopstopSTOP thinking just shut up justshutupjustshutupjustshutup JUST SHUT UP

#newestpiece #anxiety #mentalillness #EvelynDawn

i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't.

--------------------------------------------

STOP

★

i must. i must. i must. i must. i must.

---------------------------------------------

wash my hands. wash my hands. wash my hands. wash my hands.

___________________________________________

i have to. i have to. i have to. i have to. i have to.

----------------------------------------------

check it. check it. check it. check it. check it.

_________________

someone please help me

➢

A hypnotizing rhythm

of metal on track

car honks and stop signs.        

My perfectly measured lines,

red light, green light, one, two, three nights in a row...no sleep. 

No peace,

just weathered eyes staring back at me

My

mind

is

fading

in

the

sun.  

the door that leads inside

slams shut on its own.

Nipping ankles,

bleeding fingers,

simply because

it swung shut

too soon.

I stood inside

where it's warm,

cozy.

She stood in the storm

where I could see her

only through streaked windows.

I beckoned her in.

When she wasn't able to unlock the door

I watched her.

Helpless.

She is outside, and its my fault she is stuck.

I take the key

open the door wide.

I see her bound towards the light.

I let myself out to help her.

The door slams shut on the way out

and we stand soaked in the puddles

together.

I'm Happy and

Now I'm crazy and

Angry and

Sad.

I'm a normal human bein-

No, you're not.

Now you're sad again.

AND NOW WE WILL GO EAT ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE!!!

NOW WE WILL DO SOMETHING THAT'S

BORDERLINE ILLEGA-

What am I doing again?

I'm norma-

No you're not.

*bipolar

it's here again -

she's here.

can you feel it?

can you feel your heart racing

in your chest?

can you feel the spinning

in your head?

can you feel every fiber

of your being being set on fIrE?

can you feel it?

can you?

CAN YOU?

because i can.

and it's not good.

this time, it's something different

something else,

not what it was

last time -

no, it's a piercing pain

right beside your heart

oh, and what's that?

you can't breathe?

well, that's life, hun.

sometimes it hurts.

and now - oh, now! -

it's a constant, neverending hurt

the pain is an endless echoechoechoecho

can you hear it?

it beats in your chest

a melodic beat, to be sure,

if it didn't shake you deep inside

and spill you out all over the place

like a dance you can't handle

this beat, it ruptures everything inside

your head, it's a ticking bomb -

a countdown to what you know is to come

but that's life, isn't it?

may not be life for everyone else,

but we have our own problems to deal with

no time for you and yours.

suck it up, buttercup.

it doesn't matter if you want to cry -

i do, too, quite often.

it doesn't matter if you're sad all the time,

and if you never stop worrying, fearing

IT DOESN'T MATTER, THOUGH, RIGHT?

RIGHT?

RIGHT?

right?

because if it did,

i might have to stand up to people

and say i don't know what to do

and have them say they don't, either

I am both 100% in control and also in control of nothing. Trust the process 

I want to scream 

Trust the process 

coming here makes me anxious 

trust the process 

I don't want to study myself any longer 

trust the process 

I am broken no one knows me now

trust the process 

God has established that some people are meant to suffer, I accept that now

trust the process 

I don't know why I come here

trust the process 

I saw a movie you should see, it helped me see myself in the present 

trust the process 

Your office is comfortable, I do trust you, but please tell me how to be fixed 

trust the process 

I started looking at art instead of media and I feel different 

trust the process 

I come here, and I could just be praying... I think I just need to talk to God

trust the process 

Your office is fine, the music in the waiting room however could be changed beUSE IT MAKES ME ANXIOUS AS FUCK, YOU KNOW I AM CHRISTIAN BUT YOU PLAY THAT NEW AGE SPIRITUAL BULLSHIT AND IT MAKES ME THINK LESS OF YOUR STAKE IN MY MEntal health; please don't take offense to that; 

trust the process 

I have been praying more

trust the process

No one sees me 

trust the process 

I am so LONELY and you are not helping me 

trust the process 

If this is me now PLEASE HELP ME GET MEDICAL COVERAGE TO HAVE MY VOICEBOX REMOVED so I just can not talk ALL THE TIME

you would not be able to eat or shit properly. Worth it? Trust the process 

waiting room music is different, and everything in it which remained the same is now some how... funny; including 'trust the process'. 

life is shitty, like each bad thing is in actual equivalencies of measurement of how we view it. One shitty thing = 1 turd & vice verse.

do your shoes stink?

is your car full of shit? your kitchen? your house? where you sleep?

is where you sleep full of shit?

add up a quick snapshot of life age birth to current things with shit on them.

Are you hostile because you are trying to do everything every one THI*NKS you should, but can't

trust the process 

my 200 to do lists are scattered everywhere I don't know how to start because I don't know why I am doing what I am doing or how to process steps I took for granted my whole life 

trust the process 

Fine, I am decluttering my shit collection 

trust the process 

God help me be less like me

trust the process 

I don't want to be broken anymore 

trust the process 

talk to me so I understand you, please. say all the things I need to hear and when I ask, answer me honestly and tell me if I am doing it right

trust the process 

I am doing this all on my own now, why am I still coming here?

trust the process

I got it. I found this small bit of self

dry 

dry like a shredded twine around kindling anXIOUS TO BLOW UP OR FLICKer but please everything around me had become tinder and if I spark up I may cause a fire can you help me now?

trust the process 

im so tired im still so tired but I am here. I am here 

trust the process 

I got this list of behaviors I don't know why I do 

trust the process 

I am changing 

trust the process 

I am NOTHING I thought I was and everything I never expected yet it is neither constant or comfortable ever

I am a good person even when I failed and I do.. A LOT

I am decent, and my faith may be different then yours but its FINE 

I can have an opinion and not feel like someone either hates me or is gonna kill themselves because I am learning my words yet NONE of them seem right from my voice instead of writing 

Trust the process 

How long will this be?

Look at where you are, something must be happening that is 'right' or you would be way less. 

-r

It's just a day. It's just another phase.

It'll pass i promise

It's been three days and nothing has changed

I can’t seem to smile. Is it worth my while?

All I do is scream and yell. I might as well just go to hell.

It feels like I've been hit and no one is coming to the rescue.

I cry all alone at night and no one seems to notice.

It's been a week and I feel worthless.

Anger is building and I feel horrible.

No music is helping and everyday worsens.

I contemplate ending my pain but it messes with my brain.

There's too much stress and suppressed emotions.

Things keep changing and nothing is helping.

It's been a month and I might as well be dead.

Welcome inside my twisted up head.