hello! it’s me, anxiety
the thoughts the thoughts THE THOUGHTS they’re running spinning racing around your mind and never stop neverstopneverSTOP remember that time in first grade in first grade the girl with the pigtails in first grade remember do you remember i remember you said something and she cried you said sOmeThing and she CriEd remember you hurt her youhurtheryouhurther how could you how could you she remembers she doesn’t forgive you the girl with the pigtails in first grade she hates you shehatesyou OH and today that man you passed in the street remember that man that man who you made eyecontact with the man you passed in the street with the sunglasses the dark sunglasses and you made eyecontact or maybe he wasn’t looking at you but you KNOW he was cause you saw him and you KNEW he saw you or maybe he didn’t but you know he did and why did he the man with the sunglasses look at you why you aren’t you scared just imagine thinkthinkthinkthink about him following you you should have run the man in the street with the sunglasses why whywhywhy what did he want the man in the street the man in the sunglasses you should have run you should have then a couple hours ago like two or three hours ago like around four or five o’clock probably around then just a while ago and your head hurt it was just like bambambambambam BANGing on the inside of your skull and your head god your head you took your medicine did you take your medicine you definitely got out the bottle did you take the medicine two of the blue ones the blue ones not the white ones the bottles look similar though did you take them you did you’re pretty sure but why can’t you remember is that why your head still hurt because you forgot to take them no it was just a headache but headaches don’t just happen for no reason BANGing does not happen to normal people but it’s just a headache my heartbeat in my head poundpoundpoundPOUNDPOUNDPOUND that doesn’t just happen right or does it does it happen remember that guy with the brain tumor the guy with the cancer and the brain tumor he had a headache but it wasn’t a headache wasnotaheadache he had cancer he had a tumor no idea noideanoidea and he died do you remember he DIED do you have a tumor a brain tumor is that what this headache is no you don’t have a tumor it’s not cancer why would you have cancer but it might be a tumor and you might have cancer and you don’t know youdontknow he didn’t know he didn’t know it was a tumor and he DIED maybe this is it maybe you have a tumor maybe you have cancer and you’re gonna die you’re gonna die youregonnadie no that’s crazy you called the doctor remember your doctor you called her and she said it was nothing to worry about nothing to worry about so stop worrying stopworryingSTOPworrying she said you should sleep you should sleep you’re probably just tired just tired and that’s why you have a headache you’re tired you should sleep that’s what she said your doctor she said not to worry so why are you worrying but you’re in bed and you can’t sleep you’re not tired wiDeAwaKe you’re wide awake and you can’t sleep so should you worry you should worry right right because she said you were probably tired but you’re not you’re nottired nottired at ALL and all you can do is think thinkthinkthinkthink and will it ever stop can you just stop thinkthinkthink thinking for a SECOND just stop stop talking stop thinking be quiet stopstopstopSTOP thinking just shut up justshutupjustshutupjustshutup JUST SHUT UP
#newestpiece #anxiety #mentalillness #EvelynDawn
ocd
i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't.
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STOP
★
i must. i must. i must. i must. i must.
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wash my hands. wash my hands. wash my hands. wash my hands.
___________________________________________
i have to. i have to. i have to. i have to. i have to.
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check it. check it. check it. check it. check it.
_________________
someone please help me
➢
outside
the door that leads inside
slams shut on its own.
Nipping ankles,
bleeding fingers,
simply because
it swung shut
too soon.
I stood inside
where it's warm,
cozy.
She stood in the storm
where I could see her
only through streaked windows.
I beckoned her in.
When she wasn't able to unlock the door
I watched her.
Helpless.
She is outside, and its my fault she is stuck.
I take the key
open the door wide.
I see her bound towards the light.
I let myself out to help her.
The door slams shut on the way out
and we stand soaked in the puddles
together.
it's here again -
she's here.
can you feel it?
can you feel your heart racing
in your chest?
can you feel the spinning
in your head?
can you feel every fiber
of your being being set on fIrE?
can you feel it?
can you?
CAN YOU?
because i can.
and it's not good.
this time, it's something different
something else,
not what it was
last time -
no, it's a piercing pain
right beside your heart
oh, and what's that?
you can't breathe?
well, that's life, hun.
sometimes it hurts.
and now - oh, now! -
it's a constant, neverending hurt
the pain is an endless echoechoechoecho
can you hear it?
it beats in your chest
a melodic beat, to be sure,
if it didn't shake you deep inside
and spill you out all over the place
like a dance you can't handle
this beat, it ruptures everything inside
your head, it's a ticking bomb -
a countdown to what you know is to come
but that's life, isn't it?
may not be life for everyone else,
but we have our own problems to deal with
no time for you and yours.
suck it up, buttercup.
it doesn't matter if you want to cry -
i do, too, quite often.
it doesn't matter if you're sad all the time,
and if you never stop worrying, fearing
IT DOESN'T MATTER, THOUGH, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
RIGHT?
right?
because if it did,
i might have to stand up to people
and say i don't know what to do
and have them say they don't, either
Trust the Process
I am both 100% in control and also in control of nothing. Trust the process
I want to scream
Trust the process
coming here makes me anxious
trust the process
I don't want to study myself any longer
trust the process
I am broken no one knows me now
trust the process
God has established that some people are meant to suffer, I accept that now
trust the process
I don't know why I come here
trust the process
I saw a movie you should see, it helped me see myself in the present
trust the process
Your office is comfortable, I do trust you, but please tell me how to be fixed
trust the process
I started looking at art instead of media and I feel different
trust the process
I come here, and I could just be praying... I think I just need to talk to God
trust the process
Your office is fine, the music in the waiting room however could be changed beUSE IT MAKES ME ANXIOUS AS FUCK, YOU KNOW I AM CHRISTIAN BUT YOU PLAY THAT NEW AGE SPIRITUAL BULLSHIT AND IT MAKES ME THINK LESS OF YOUR STAKE IN MY MEntal health; please don't take offense to that;
trust the process
I have been praying more
trust the process
No one sees me
trust the process
I am so LONELY and you are not helping me
trust the process
If this is me now PLEASE HELP ME GET MEDICAL COVERAGE TO HAVE MY VOICEBOX REMOVED so I just can not talk ALL THE TIME
you would not be able to eat or shit properly. Worth it? Trust the process
waiting room music is different, and everything in it which remained the same is now some how... funny; including 'trust the process'.
life is shitty, like each bad thing is in actual equivalencies of measurement of how we view it. One shitty thing = 1 turd & vice verse.
do your shoes stink?
is your car full of shit? your kitchen? your house? where you sleep?
is where you sleep full of shit?
add up a quick snapshot of life age birth to current things with shit on them.
Are you hostile because you are trying to do everything every one THI*NKS you should, but can't
trust the process
my 200 to do lists are scattered everywhere I don't know how to start because I don't know why I am doing what I am doing or how to process steps I took for granted my whole life
trust the process
Fine, I am decluttering my shit collection
trust the process
God help me be less like me
trust the process
I don't want to be broken anymore
trust the process
talk to me so I understand you, please. say all the things I need to hear and when I ask, answer me honestly and tell me if I am doing it right
trust the process
I am doing this all on my own now, why am I still coming here?
trust the process
I got it. I found this small bit of self
dry
dry like a shredded twine around kindling anXIOUS TO BLOW UP OR FLICKer but please everything around me had become tinder and if I spark up I may cause a fire can you help me now?
trust the process
im so tired im still so tired but I am here. I am here
trust the process
I got this list of behaviors I don't know why I do
trust the process
I am changing
trust the process
I am NOTHING I thought I was and everything I never expected yet it is neither constant or comfortable ever
I am a good person even when I failed and I do.. A LOT
I am decent, and my faith may be different then yours but its FINE
I can have an opinion and not feel like someone either hates me or is gonna kill themselves because I am learning my words yet NONE of them seem right from my voice instead of writing
Trust the process
How long will this be?
Look at where you are, something must be happening that is 'right' or you would be way less.
-r
Anxiety (Repost)
This anxiety is real.
It speaks to me
with a language of such intense
and agonizing seduction
I can comprehend
because I’m quite familiar with it.
Pain has never been new to me!
At night times,
it slowly crawls under
this scarred skin of mine
and deep inside the pits of
where the nightmares dance free
as I toss and turn sleeplessly
on my empty bed alone.
The night times are when
the darkness smirks and smiles gingerly
to show me its other side
without revealing its face.
But I need not see its rainbow colors
for I quite know exactly
what utter desolation looks like
even in broad daylight.
Jobiranyc 4-29-20