Dear Former Self,

It seems that you held high expectations for me, and have come to the realization that I am not the person you dreamed up so many years ago. I have evolved in ways you can't imagine, experienced pain beyond you, and lost so much in so little time. Despite all of these challenges, I finally have crested this steep mountain I have struggled to climb my whole life. Now, I am ready to start the life that I always wanted to live, not the life you carefully planned based on the judgments and assumptions of those around you. I am ready to behold in my glorious future and achievements I alone dare to pursue. You may be worried about my sanity, perhaps packing your bags to come and visit me. Please, I beg you, my dear, don't worry. My path ahead may be messy, but it will be mine alone, full of my dreams and my accomplishments. I ask that you please take the time to consider the possibilities that lay ahead of you. Untie yourself from your heavy shackles and go see the world! I am, and always will be, extremely sorry for all the time I wasted sitting at home and not being who I am, instead of who they want me to be.

Forever and always,

Just Me

The other day was crazy, we kissed for the first time.

I moved my lips, I whispered to you, I cleary went out of my mind.

I'm sorry for putting you in that position, where my heart held you in.

I'm sorry for kissing you gently, hoping your love for me will begin.

It wasn't fair for me to assume that a woman was what you wanted.

It wasn't fair for me to guide you to what your mind has haunted.

I let my feeling for you explode and I couldn't defuse the sorrow.

I went all in, I had nothing left, and prayed that you will love me tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

When I saw you outside my hotel in Denmark, my heart sank. This was my first business trip and I was excited. I knew you were set to arrive and here you were – in the sweater you knew was my favorite with a smile on your face.

A knot appeared in my stomach.

Because I wasn’t happy to see you.

Years later, I look back on that moment in December of 2012 and realize that was the moment I had already broken up with you. We had no drama between us – no one cheated. It took until March 2013 to finally say goodbye. I know it crushed you and yet I felt free.

To those reading – don’t pity this man. He got married to a beautiful woman and finally had the kids he always wanted. Me, on the other hand, I’m still bouncing from world to world. From being in finance to being in the military. I cannot seem to find my path.

I only know, it was never with you, AG because I never loved you even though I tried.

I loved you so dearly

I love you still

You did the best that you could

Raising me all those years after Daddy died

I am sorry I was short tempered sometimes

I sorry I became angry when you were just being overly protective of me

I am sorry I occasionally said something mean

I glad you were my mother

I am grateful we were best friends

I am thankful you raised me to be religious (as did Daddy)

Thank you for believing in fun

Encouraging my love of music and my art

I am sorry you left this moral coil years before you should have passed

I am sorry you were ill my whole life with diabetes

I love you, Mom

I’m still waiting for that apology

the one that never came

the one that came right before

that “but”

I wish you would’ve said

I’m sorry

I broke you

I’m sorry

I can’t fix you

I’m sorry

I’ll do it all over again

whenever I please

whenever you’ll allow me

to

I’m sorry

you were never the one

I loved

apologies -{renata ferretti}

Stuck between life,

Death,

Meth,

Booze

And you

I want to live but I don’t have much to give,

These days all I do is rip and run,

Take and con and have fun or at least perceived,

I need more and more when all I hear and see is how much you fuckin hate me,

I get confused and frustrated and rude,

Makes everything worse,

Start to hate life itself,

Creating my life in the image of hell,

Life I can’t run from,

Death that won’t come,

Meth that loosens screws,

Booze that makes me hate you,

You acting like I’m mad,

I’m sad,

Watching you,

seizing on any opportunity to,

Lead any conversation to a way out

Recently my life is a drought,

Never felt more hopeless distraught and without a rope,

Too scared to carry one hanging makes you choke,

Sometimes meth does too when you feel a toot drip down your throat and you start to hack,

So you head right back,

It’s the greatest shit you ever had,

You allow it because shit well it’s just so Fucking bad,

Shit I’m too fucking tweaked out,

Psychosis,

Nah I’m not with a 1 on 1 bout inside my dome shit,

Let’s find that shit with the foam,

On top of the glass,

Chug it back thank god I’m feeling it catch the speeding bullet we call the buzz,

Thank god we don’t drive no getting pulled off to the fuzz,

Carrying that brown paper bag,

All the way back to that shit motel that smell like weed and pussy and a Indian hag,

I get back to my spot,

Sit down on this glorified rack of a cot,

Stare at four walls,

But my brain is being saturated with sauce,

I can feel the simmering joy,

False in its ability to allow anything more than temporary relief I believe it——And I text you,

Little did I know my text is going to hurt,

I won’t even know or care and I’ll be so full of myself wearing my hate keeps me warm shirt,

That I’ll say the worst things,

You’ll cry,

You’ll want to die,

You’ll get mad and I’ll wonder why,

It’ll make me frustrated and grated and grate me into a man you’ve never knew and,

I honestly fucking hate him,

More and more he’s all I am I am him,

It fucking sucks,

He gives no fucks about you or anyone,

He wants me alone and by myself,

He wants me to cover my six,

When I’m by myself in the sticks of all of his FUCKED UP SHIT,

Hit a switch in my head and think,

Everyone who I know is dead is right there with me talking and clocking,

Smoking and joking,

Finessing and distressing due to everything I’ve done wrong and when I get a inkling of what it’s doing to you?

This is what I do.

Stuck between life, death, meth, and you.

When I was 4 years old, my Grandmother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, but a couple of months later she ended up being cured. When I was 9, she was once again diagnosed with breast cancer, and although she once again ended up defeating it, the cancer ended up taking a greater toll on her mind and body. My grandmother grew to forget small things over time, and confused the voices of mine and that of my brother, and even my mom. Ultimately, it was when I was 12 when everything fell to pieces. Instead of Breast Cancer this time though, she was diagnosed with Endometriosis Cancer. Now, my Grandmother was strong, but that cancer ravaged her mind, body, and soul, until- well until she died. To this day I regret not being there for her in her last moments. It simply hurt too much to see someone you love in that state, watching as they slowly and agonizingly die. And my Grandmother, as sick as she was, was intelligent, and I know that deep in her heart she felt a sadness over the fact that her loved ones were fearful of seeing her. And that hurts. The fact that in her final moments we couldn’t all be there for her like we wanted too. So if there is one thing that I would do over, I would tell my Nana that I love her. I love her so much. And that I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Dear grandma,

I’m sorry for being a brat when I was younger, not doing chores, annoying you and “aggravating your spirit“ as you always said. When I was a teen I should have had a bit more prudence and self control, but no I carried on just the same. A real prick. It wasn’t until the before you died that I wanted to make amends and by the time I got to your side you were already gone. Your wisdom, tough love and Christian teachings all gone and now I know, now I feel and miss your presence. I’m sorry for all that I did grandma. I really am.

Your grandson

Even I knew that I was completely wrong, I did the things you asked me not to do. Everytime you asked me to to do better for me, I didn’t listen to you. Even I did so you stayed with me, strongly and patiently you waited for me until I realized all the things by own.

At the end you didn't judge me, you didnt criticise me you just asked me to learn from everything I'd done and help me to stand up again as a better version of myself.

Thank you my own self for being with me, I'm sorry I did so many faults; even though I knew you already forgave me I'm sorry for wasting my time on someone unwanted without realising my own values.

i used to love you

in that way

the way in which every fairytale ends

and every princess in every movie is searching for

and you never wanted to be like them

and somehow we kept writing ourselves into the same scenarios we watched unfold on television

except ours wasn't an ever after

because i never let it be

i just kept asking and asking

for more of your time

more of your attention

more handholds and hugs and kisses before you leave

and none of it never added up to enough for me

i was addicted to you

suffocating you

and in the end it was me who made the fire that once danced between us go out

and i saw you leave with it