I don't need it. Yeah, I don't. I keep repeating it to myself. I was determined to do that. I'm not a baby anymore.I closed my eyes forcefully. I should sleep, I .

With a sudden I get up from the the bed. I couldn't remember when did I fall asleep. It's a nightmare just a nightmare. I tried to calm down my self.

But being alone in the dark without anyone broke my heart in thousand pieces. "Want it back" I started sobbing without realizing.

I thought I got over my booboo, the teddy bear I used to keep by side since I was a kid. Still I couldn't, I know I'm an adult. But how could I do that. Can I?

I'm waiting for you in that Peter Pan place between sleep and awake,

so hopeful that you'll finally return to me and cross the bridge

over the River of Life that winds between us, that separates

you

from

me

like so many ashes scattered in the sea.

But I know these images will disappear, ink dissolving in the ocean.

Really, I'm a fool, still waiting for you with my heart broken.

I'm waiting and praying even knowing you're

not here.

You’ve always been my emo fantasy boy. You don’t have black shaggy hair and your clothes are too basic. But your sad little smile broke my heart. The way you shy away from anyone that shows you affection made me draw closer. But everytime I tried to show you affection, you shied away.

In your room, you’d play video games alone and listen to the screaming sadness of the people who dress on the outside as you feel on the inside. Your friends had to physically come get you but there was not one person that you liked.

We met four years ago and during our career, we kept being stationed at the same place. In a romance novel, we would have been destined to end up together.

I miss you but I’m sure you’ve forgotten me. Like that day you used me and threw me out the door.

The  smell of you turns heads for some

But for me, I  stumble  when you pass me by.

The smell  of you  makes me wander about, running from the scent that introduces you

And even when I  cover up

the hint of you hits me in the head. Nauseous I  get...and since you can’t  seem to understand  my requests to omit the odor

Hear me now; for, tact does evade me...

You reek and the smell of you makes me sick!

I won’t be surprised /

if we are standing side by and by side /

and you push me down a cliff /

I won’t be surprised /

If even as I fall /

I smile

& fall in love with you /

I'm so over you

except i'm really not

your name still gives me butterflies

now i call them

hives

i still want you to read my poems

and to want me back

even though

i meant it when i said

last time was the last time

i ever let you get close to me

last time - {renata ferretti}

Dreaming,

Singing,

Thinking,

About you.

Wanting,

Needing,

To have you.

Falling,

For you.

Falling for you,

on & on,

time & time

again,

No matter

how many

times

you

break

me,

I still fall for you,

I still fall endlessly,

as if there's no ground,

for

you,

I'm still needing you

although

I know you don't need me,

want me,

love me, even.

I'm still feeling your touch,

hug,

when you embrace her in your arms.

I'm still hearing your whispers,

'I love you,'

when you say it

to her,

close to her ear.

I'm so over you,

but really,

I'm not.

27.6.2020

I hate you. I hate your loud chewing and your morning coffee breath. I hate how right you are all of the time. I hate the one strand of hair that never stays put. I hate your determination, passion, and intelligence. I hate you for being perfectly imperfect. Most of all, I hate myself for letting you go.

At the airport for the last time, we embrace and say our goodbyes. You look deeply into my eyes. As if waiting for something more. A hug, a kiss, my true feelings? I don't know and I never will. I say goodbye one last time and with a look of disappointment, you walk away.

Walking towards the flight gate. Casting one last glance my way and for the briefest of seconds, I know your true feelings. The memory is stuck in my mind, like a sliver. Tears, red eyes, and quivering lips. I never knew that I meant so much to you.

I wish that I had the strength and the courage to take you then and there. Embrace you, kiss you, and tell you how much I love you. But I can't.

By all intents and purposes I have moved on from you.

Everyone thinks I have a great life.

Solid career,

Long term marriage with someone who loves me unconditionally,

Wonderful child.

But in the dark recesses of my mind,

I think of the passion we shared,

The insatiable heat between us.

Every once in a while,

All these years later,

I wonder,

If things were different,

What we could have been.