Generally speaking I am a happy and content old fool, and I know I'm an old fool, but I can live with that. Being a stupid old fuck is considered quite an achievement where I live, and as far as I can make out, there are quite a few of us out there so it's quite a Club.

Being old is rather nice, it has its downers for sure, but it's got perks too and they're class perks. For example, when I'm at work and the shit hits the fan all I have to do is stagger, clutch my chest, and groan and I'm helped to the nearest chair and told to relax for ten minutes, try that one when you're just twenty and you'll get your arse kicked!

People generally are nice to me, something they never were when I was a spring chicken. I can do some shopping or go for a walk and most folk give me a smile or a friendly nod. Yes, the perks are sweet.

But I would like to change one thing. Just one little thing.

Once you hit a certain age you have to think ahead about when nature calls, you get me? When you're a young stud you can go for years without having to visit the little room, but nobody tells you that once you skip past sixty you got to be mindful of these things.

So yes, just that, and I know that it's not considered a hot topic but hell man, the challenge does respect honesty eh?

1. I would not be short.

2. I would not have a million collections, meaning i would not get attached to every little thing I find. Have you seen my room? No of course you haven't. It's full of stuff.

3. I would not be freakishly smart. Despite what most peoplethink, I hate being in the gifted class. Everyone seems in the school treats us like freaks.

4. I would have... never mind.

One night, I dreamt I was the perfect man for you, the one star than shined brighter than all the rest.

I held all the answers to every one of your problems, I even held all the right words to say when doubts started to cloud your vision.

I lived up to the standards you live by, and kept up with your hectic lifestyle better than most...

Then I woke up. You're laying beside me, curled up in my arms with your beauty breaking through the darkness of the room. Out of all the men who could have swept you off your feet with more charisma and suave, why did you settle for me? How can I possibly live up to what I'm suppose to be, when I can't even pretend to bring to the table what all the others have to offer you..