I just want to hear a simple “I believe in you.”
...But I keep forgetting I have no one...
A Little Girl...
A little girl lost her dad today.
He wasn’t her blood but he was the man that raised her
She knew something was wrong when
They woke her gently, morning stars were still out.
A trip to the airport home, her summer vacation cut short.
No one made a sound.
A little girl lost her dad today.
Off the plane and straight to the hospital
Everyone she knew was there except her dad and mom.
A thousand knowing eyes but no one could speak.
The look on her face, confusion, as she noticed
Her family’s broken expressions and eyes were unfocused.
A little girl lost her dad today.
“Where’s daddy?,” she whispered and the room came silent.
Someone finally uttered, “He is asleep, up in heaven,
He rests with the angels and he is at peace.”
Tears trickled down her cheek
I could tell she didn’t know what that meant.
A little girl lost her dad today.
The doctor came out to take her to see her mom.
One step in the room and she couldn’t go further,
All the tubes and the monitors were something she couldn’t bear.
It wasn’t until years later that she would understand
The burden of being the messenger.
My little girl lost her dad today.
“Please God help me, what do I say?”
When I got the news I dropped down to my knees.
I cried so hard after that call
We thought we had time but I guess we were wrong.
I pray she forgives me because tonight when she goes to sleep
She will mourn a dad she never got to meet.
"When I grow up I want to be...an astronaut...no wait...an actress...or maybe a doctor like you daddy!"
He strokes her sweat stained hair as it rests upon her pale face.
"Daddy?" she says, "why are you crying?" He wipes his flooding tears from his puffy red cheeks. "What? Me? I'm not crying. They're tears from how much you make me laugh," he lies.
"But you weren't laughing daddy, and I didn't say anything funny," she coughs.
He gulps. "You're always funny to me cupcake. No matter what you say."
She smiles at her father who drinks in his daughter's porcelain face. She has her mother's ocean blue eyes, the same eyes that hypnotized him when they first met and kept him hypnotized until they closed forever. His daughter's eyes are all that remain on her tiny, fever-striken face, and now, soon they too will close, never to open again.
"Daddy, I'm not going to grow up am I?" she says.
Sobs fill the back of his throat. He couldn't save his wife and, despite all the clinical trials, numerous tests and experimental drugs, he couldn't save his daughter either. He opens his mouth to answer but the held-back sobs find their voice instead. He crashes his face into his palms sobbing, unable to look at his daughter and tell her the truth. She strokes her father's shoulder with her frail, shaking hand and smiles brightly with her big blue eyes.
"It's okay daddy, I'm not scared. Mommy said she was waiting for me up there, and she said it wouldn't hurt anymore."
He looks up at her as shivers vibrate throughout his body. "You talked to mommy?" he asks. She nods weakly. "She visited me in my dream, and she said she couldn't wait to hold me in her arms. She was so pretty, daddy. I wish you saw her. She had big blue eyes like mine." He wished more than anything to see her, to hold her again and have her scent stain his shirts like before. His daughter was a baby when his wife died from the same disease that now encompassed his daughter. He used to show his daughter pictures of her mommy, and always pointed out his wife's big blue eyes. Although, as a doctor and a man of science, he believes that it was merely a fever dream, it oddly gives him hope.
"She had a message for you too daddy," she says. He perks up, intrigued by the words to follow.
"Did she now? And what did she say?" he humors her.
"She said 'it wasn't your fault. That you did all you could to save her and me, and that she loves you. And even though you want to do it, it's not your time yet.' What were you going to do daddy?" He sits up in his seat, taken aback by these words. His daughter couldn't have possibly known what he was planning upon her death. She couldn't have known that he set out to take numerous sleeping pills, now hiding in his pocket, and lay his head next to his daughter's as they both drew their last breath. He can feel his pulse racing. He takes deep breaths in an effort to regain his composure. He takes the pills from his pocket and stares at them. He walks towards the bathroom and contemplates heavily about his next move when he hears his daughter's voice.
He tosses the pills into the toilet and flushes them as he rushes back to his daughter's bedside.
"Nothing now sweetheart," he says, "Nothing. How are you feeling?" he asks, stroking her burning, scrawny cheek.
"Tired," she says breathing heavily, "It's getting hard to breathe. Will you hold me?"
He smiles down at his daughter as he weeps heavily, tears staining his cheeks and lips. "Of course I will," he says, crawling into her bed and holding her tight as his tears crash upon her brittle face.
"Dah-dah-dee" she struggles to say as her breath shortens and she fights for air.
"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here, baby,"he sobs. Her body twinges in his arms as it battles for oxygen only to lose miserably. He sits there, taking in their last moments as he weeps and screams uncontrollably. He wonders what posessed him to throw away the pills. He could have died with her, with them both, but here he sits with his daughter's small and lifeless body in his arms, all because of some words his wife allegedly said from beyond...if there even is a beyond. "Why!" he screams as he rocks back and forth,"Why!" He looks down at his daughter's motionless face and brushes her blonde locks from her small forehead. He's suddenly reminded of his momentary feeling of hope. Hope that what his daughter said was true, hope that she did in fact reunite with her mommy and hope that one day he would join them too.
I didn't think it would pan out like this. There's no doubt that it's me. I just wish my love could have seen the vision that I did - what the beautiful future held for us. But none of them seem to believe in the same path as me. And so it will be.
I'm strong and independent. I like to be alone. But I didn't think this whole journey would be on my own. I think back at the past, and wonder what could've been done better to make the love last. This sick twisted loop hole, just wont seem to pass.
And now I'm here. Alone. It's really hard to have faith that anything will change. I was once foolish enough to believe that the right thing would eventually come to be. But how many times must a heart break before just accepting that loves not something I'll make. What's life's purpose if not for that? So what am I doing here? Just to write meaningless words on a page, as if my word's existence are worth the space.
So here's what I've decided.
I no longer wish to write
I'm tired of this game.
Day after day, nothing but the same
I'm not even fucking good at it for god's sake.
I once used writing as a tool, but now I realize it just makes me a fool. Each word I write for each truth I feel makes the demon inside me become more real.
For lack of anything else to blame
I'll say it's the words I write that cause my pain
For the evil now, and all evils past
I swear this entry, will be my last
The Story of a Ember That Became Fire
From the moment of birth I was a bastard. My mother was too slobbed to give a damn about the kids she had. My father was higher then Mount Everest, too far to bother trying to ask for help. I held my siblings close when they were sick. I took all the anger of the dumb duo, so my siblings didn't have to. My back could be scared with blood but I still cared for my siblings.
When I could, I worked. I let the college boys use me as they wished. As long as they paid the promised amount. It gave me all the money I needed to feed my siblings. Yet I was still stolen from. They still took out their anger at each other and everything else out on me. They stole my money for food somedays for their addictions.
I refused to tell on them because what good would that do. I took on all the responsibity to care for everyone of my siblings. I only snapped when my mother dare raise a hand at my siblings. I pushed her down, she was too drunk to really put up a fight. I helped my sibling feel better. Then I went to Child Protection Services. I told them everything and let them take pictures of every visible scar I had.
My parents weren't too pleased when they found out. They yelled at me and blamed me for everything. Their relationship problems, their cheating, their lack of wealth, and so many more. When they felt yelling wasn't enough, they devised a different plan when they both weren't under the influence.
All I remember feeling was a board hitting my head. Then the earth slowly crushing my lungs.
I just hope my death wasn't in vain and my siblings are safe.
A Young Time Traveler Goes To War
● A Young Time Traveler Goes To War●
(And the sad song that helped me more clearly visualize an episode in Traveler's past I had wanted to write for a long time. https://youtu.be/GVW8_lvs_vs )
The time traveler cracked dust between his gritted teeth as he hauled himself across hot, scorched ground. The smoldering wreckage of his crashed fighter fizzled and popped twenty meters behind the jagged trail he left in the terrain as he clawed towards his time machine. He had to ditch his helmet after spilling out of the shattered cockpit of the fighter to avoid suffocating as it was no longer supplying him with breathable air.
This was bad because the air he was now breathing was poisonous as well as radioactive. It singed the back of his throat and burned his eyes.
He could see his time machine through his hazy vision. Almost there. This was good because outside of its temporally indifferent confines and advanced medical capabilities he only had minutes to live.
Far away on the horizon, against a ruined sky, the last of a fleet of giant airships fell into the jagged, decimated remains of a once great city. Burning with blue flames like a rapidly setting alien sun. He shut his eyes as he crawled but the blinding demise of the vessel still hurt as jagged psychedelic splotches crackled painfully like electricity arcing across his optic nerves. He could feel its impact through the ground accompanied by a sound like distant rolling thunder once the noise caught up with it. His eyes would be soaked with tears if the moisture did not instantly evaporat into the hot, toxic atmosphere.
This had been his first attempt to change the history of a world on such a vast scale. When he had first heard of this world and the cataclysmic, strife driven sterilization of its civilization he was so sure he could have changed the outcome of the events that led it to this end. He was so wrong. And now, out billions of souls, he was the only one left alive.
It was the hubris of a young time traveler that had brought him to this moment. The thinking that he was clever enough and could see deeply enough into the boiling pool of cause and effect that was time to prevent such a catastrophe.
Once at the door of his machine he popped a glove off his hand and slapped it with a bare palm. The pock marked mystery metal of its exterior was hot enough to burn his skin quite badly but the door slid open regardless. He hauled himself inside with the last of his strength and sealed it shut before passing out.
On the floor of the small airlock section the now activated time machine assessed his status and began to detoxify his exterior and rid him of radiation. He laid there for a long time before he was strong enough again to stand and strip himself of his tattered flight suit. He then made his way to the drive section and fell into the chair before the banks of screens and controls.
He took one last look at the lifeless, ravaged world outside but there was nothing left that he wanted to see. All that he knew of this world, everyone he cared about, fought with, for and even loved were all gone. Now there was only him.
He thought about going back and trying again. But then thought...why even try? It would only be more difficult the second time around and the outcome could be even worse. He barely survived this attempt.
He shut the screens off and limped into the sleeping quarters. He still needed major medical care. As he lay in the bunk and let the machine begin to tend to him with drugs and technology he came to a critical decision.
If wanted to continue traveling in time he would have to harden his heart, get accustomed to mind bending paradox and abandon normal human attachments and relationships for he would become far removed from any normal human. He would have to reconcile himself to the singularly isolating condition of existing outside of time.
But how could he not? It was so damned fun when he got it right. He clearly had a lot still to learn. The torment of this failed attempt to cheat time had taught him much. When he was well enough to move again he cleaned himself, donned a magnificent suit and once again sat before the controls. He needed a vacation. Time to piece his shattered heart and fractured mind back together.
He selected a more peaceful time deep in the planet's past until he could figure out a way to take himself and his machine off this doomed world entirely. He could no longer bear the thought of staying here knowing what he knew of its future. The first step, he reckoned, in no longer caring. The time traveler lit a drug laidened cigarette, engaged the machine's motors and faded away...alone.
A Perfect Day
The lights flashed past, contrasting against the dark blue of the nightsky. At this time of night the motorway was empty - but that was how she liked it. In this world she could imagine it was just the two of them - there was no hatred, no fear for them to return to. No world where they wouldn’t be allowed to be together.
She looked across to Nero, whose hair fell lightly around her ears, her brows furrowed as she concentrated on the road ahead of them. To think that a year ago they had met on a forum discussing suicide pacts - the world seemed so different now. It might not have gotten much better in any other aspect, but to be the one to go on a date and stare at the beauty across from her for the whole afternoon, anything was worth it.
Nero seemed to notice her stares as she looked over, giving her a tight smile. Lily returned the gesture with one of her own, and watched as the dark haired girl’s eyes flick back to the road.
It had been a perfect day - they had gone to the park, had a wonderful picnic in the sun, and had run through the autumn leaves as though they were children again, walking on clouds without a care in the world. She hadn’t wanted it to end - the anniversary of their first meeting. Everything was so different, yet nothing had changed. There was still that same electric spark between them, and her heart still skipped a beat every time she found herself away in the moment.
For the rest of the journey the scenery had blurred together, but now the blue sign signalling her junction was all her mind could fixate on. This had been such a perfect day - she didn’t want it to end.
She dragged her eyes from the outside of the car and instead chose to stare at Nero, who was absentmindedly biting her lip, the light from the lamps reflecting of the silver piercing.
Three words came to mind - three words she had never thought she would ever feel, let alone have someone to say them too. They played on her tongue, rattling through her head.
She paused in confusion as a pair of white lights quickly becoming one interrupted her field of vision, and her hand flew up to her eyes to shield them. The next thing that she registered was the feeling of her hand smacking against her head and the defeaning sound of a loud explosion. The car was moving erratically and she looked over at Nero but all she could see was a blinding light reflecting off the airbag.
Waves of dizziness and nausea hit her, and then they were still, the white light gone and with it the night vision she had accumulated. She coughed into the darkness and tried to call out her partner’s name, but all she could manage was a dry croak that could have been anything.
Her hands were numb and everything was slow as she tried to move, the seatbelt resisting her attempts to detach it and the airbag getting in the way of everything.
Something sticky flowed down the side of her head and she swallowed, making another attempt to unbuckle the seatbelt. This time it worked and she was battling with the airbag. She caught a faint groan, and something unidentifiable rose in her throat.
Leaning across the centre console she managed to see Nero slumped over the airbag, her neck contorted in a way human’s neck weren’t supposed to be.
She moved her body so she was sitting on the console, and found Nero’s wrist, checking for a pulse. It might have been faint, but there was definitely something there, and she laced their fingers together.
She heard a pained cough and then a groan, and her heart skipped a beat. She was definitely alive
“Hey, don’t disappear now on me, emo girl.” She whispered. “We made a pact, you and I.”
Nero gave a weak chuckle, and Lily took this as a sign to continue. “It’s been an amazing year, and there’s so much I wish I had said before.” She took a shaky breath. “I love you, you know that? I love you so much, and I can’t believe I’ve known you for a year. It’s been crazy, and you have no idea how much you mean to me and what you’ve done to me. I know at the start you warned me that you hated people who chicked out and that the people you chose to complete a pact with had a habit of doing that, and at first I was sorry to join that list, but now I’m not. Meeting you - that’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I know you’re happier too. You might not say it, but I can see it in your actions. You smile more, and you never used to smile. It’s something about you that I love - the way your lips just quirk and your eyes light up whenever you see something funny or look at me and you don’t understand how it feels-”
But Nero’s sounds - the groans and the occasional cough and the hum and the faint chuckle - had all stopped, and she checked her wrist with her heart in her mouth. Sirens were playing in the background, but all she could focus on was how Nero’s heartbeat was getting fainter by the second. She was fading and there was nothing she could do - no God existed in this world that she could pray to for divine intervention, and all she could do was have hope in the paramedics whose faint shouts she could barely make out.
They found her a couple of minutes later, tears streaming down her face, unintelligable words of pleading falling out of her mouth as a prayer. They removed the dark haired one first, the other only allowing them to unclasp their hands once they said this was the only way to save her. She clambered out of the car with grace to rival a newborn fawn, just in time to see the paramedic taking her pulse shake her head, and burst into a howling sob that pierced through the air.
I write to feel. All of the feels missing in my life. Everyone needs a little pick me up, right? what it’s like? Waking up in the morning just to lay back down? To lool in the mirror and spend hours nitpicking every flaw, only to realize that it doesn’t matter. Because you’ll never be pretty. So, cover-up yourself. The marks on your neck, your bowed legs, your arms, and thighs. You’re so embarrassed by yourself, that you won’t give anyone else the chance to even say hello. It’s so hot outside, boiling, and yet you dress in your baggy jeans. The oversized hoodie, which you should know you, you got the biggest male size cause that’s all they’ll see anyway. They’ll never see that girl with ponytails. Never the girl with dresses and a cute laugh. Not the one people faun over. No. They only see “it”. The being with the 4x hoodie. The one who games with boys, but can’t enter the bathroom without being mistaken for a pervert. That poor unfortunate soul who everyone thinks is a robber or criminal because they frown and dress in dark clothing. That girl ran out of the food place because the waiter called her a ‘sir’ in front of everyone else. I’m...sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Whenever I talk about my problems, it gets worse. I’m the type of girl who tries to starve herself. Who, out of fear of bothering others, lets herself be a doormat and puts others before herself. Thee type of girl that doesn’t share her ideas, because she wants to give everyone else a chance. The type of girl that cries is anyone fights, or if she’s being yelled at, or if she senses that someone is upset. The one you’ll blame herself for everything. That same one who was sent to a psych ward for seeing demons out to get her family. And even though her suffering, she had to sit and watch people try to sacrifice for her....all because she couldn’t keep it bottled up enough until they walked away. Can you imagine the guilt? The shame?! The pressure of people trying to fix you, when you know you can’t be. Useless. The word of the day. Then the week. And later the year. Recently the decade. Feeling so p useless, so hopeless, that all she could do was sleep it off. Hibernate in her room till she was hungry. And when she had any openings, she would grab food, take it to her room, and hibernate some more. She got so tired of giving, and giving, and feeling so pointless that she became depressed. Tried to take her own life. But do you know why I’m still here? Because I couldn’t even take my life right.Heh. Do you see it? Utterly useless. I was honestly tied of the pain. The resentment. But I was too much of a coward to do it. Can you believe that! I realize that I’m being selfish. I get it. There are people out in the world staving, without education, in debt, and/or running from an abuser or going through mental health and other tough times. But saying that doesn’t make it anyless painful for me to get through my problems. Sorry for unloading on you. I really needed to vent.
TWaHC excerpt - TW gore and violence
The darkness in the void was inescapable. As I looked down into the hole, I couldn’t help but feel as the darkness began to etch into my skin, being absorbed into my soul.
“Going somewhere” a voice behind me asked. I didn’t dare turn around, for I knew who it was. I refused to look back at the man I once loved.
“Adam, you can’t do this to me.” I could hear his chuckle imprint on my entire body, making me grow colder every second
“Oh, but it’s not Adam who’s here anymore. I believe you have something that belongs to me.” I still refused to look back, but heard his boots getting closer and closer.
“Don’t take another step forward or I’ll jump!” I screamed.
“You wouldn’t dare,” he retorted, but the steps stopped immediately.
“Then you don’t know me. Which makes sense if you’re not Adam.” I took a small step towards the black abyss, once again weighing the possibility that it might be the only option for humanity.
“Karaya, please.” The voice was different. “Listen to me, please don’t do this. I can gain control. I promise.” Adam’s voice sent memories seeping into my soul. Every waking moment I had spent loving him raced through my brain, dancing in front of my eyes.
Can I take this risk? For him? My thoughts are disrupted by my body beginning to move without my consent. I attempted to fight against it with all my might, but after the final battle I was pretty worn out. Eventually I was forced to face my husband again.
His sandy-blonde hair streaked with stripes of black, his original olive skin had new pale as snow patches, and his eyes kept flickering between red and blue. I could see him fighting the Darklord, internally and externally. Hereditary possession was no laughing matter, I could see that now.
“Adam. Please let me go,” I whimpered, hoping I could reach through to him. I had never felt as weak as I did in this moment. Adam took over and released the magic. I fell to the ground, once again dangerously close to the hole. I began to laugh in relief, beginning slow and peppered with sobs. Adam rushed over to me and checked for injuries. My arms instinctively wrapped around his neck like I always did, sobbing into his chest. Adam flinched first, but I could feel him ease into me. Everything is going to be okay.
Something took hold of me again as I held onto Adam. Fear struck my very core as I sat in this vulnerable position, attempting to pull away but stuck fast. A deep chuckle echoed in Adam’s chest, as I sensed his turning. The magic pulled me away from him, where visibly nothing remained of Adam except blue flickers in his eyes. I watched in horror as Darklord’s hands plunged into my stomach and dug through my organs, feeling things get shoved to and fro. I watched as tears streamed down his face while an evil smirk was seemingly a permanent fixture.
He perked, grabbed hold, and pulled.
There in his hands was our baby... my baby. As I bled out, I used all of the magic I could muster to bring her back to me.
“NO! SHE WON’T SURVIVE! PLEASE,” She screamed. Darklord got up with the bloody child in his hands and began to walk away. I grasped hold of the ground and pulled myself after him, feeling everything within me scraping against the concrete and screaming with every inch. “ADAM!”
He stopped. The creature looked down at my precious child and turned around. All the blood was off of her and she seemed to be doing okay. Stall a little longer. She has to die. It seemed as though he heard me, because he created a healing sphere around her and continued to hold her. He looked back at me and shot a grin.
Emptiness began to fill me as fast as my blood was leaving me. I attempted to hold everything in but my abilities were being drained slowly.
Darklord slowly sauntered towards me, above me even. The only thought in my brain was for my child, being stuck in the hands of this monster who was once my love. Nothing mattered except getting her out of his hands. I tried to reach her by climbing up his body, yet his knee met my chest as soon as I got within range. I was knocked to the ground. And in one fell kick to the gaping hole in my chest, I was launched into the black abyss.
And as I fell, I screamed the only thing I could think of....
The Light Speed
One day a message came to Space-X's email. The message read:
"Mr. Elon Musk. I know you're very busy. But now I need your help. Give me the fastest rocket in the world for a day. I want to go back in time and save my beloved cat. My cat was hit by a car ..."
Little scientist boy