still trying to learn

whether or not my

want not to abuse anyone

is enough to be confident

that i won't

Being raised by parents who always found things in this world to blame for not having what they want in this world despite accomplishing a modest middle class lifestyle was contagious. Don't have the job I want because society this, don't have the body I want because costs of that, etc.

Over the years into adolescence, I knew they were the origin of me thinking the same way. Unfortunately, until a few years ago, I was thinking the same way they did, towards them. Yeah, it's hard to break a mentality that stems from family, but it's still on me. Once I acknowledged that, I started taking more risks (calculated ones of course) and got better about taking care of myself and calling myself out for mistakes in relationships with other family and friends. I still have a lot of desires in my life to accomplish, but I feel far less helpless and bitter towards accomplishing them. Friends are more interested in seeing me and come to me rather than awkwardly avoid me when in need.

Not where I want to be ultimately in life, but the shift in mindset has helped blow the dust off the blueprints to get there.

There are people in the world you know - you once talked to them, you once enjoyed their company and they will forever live in the memories you made together, in the moments you shared with them.

And you probably have a picture of a particular person in your mind: that one special friends, that shy classmate, that funny person from parties you attended, an ex lover you can't get over.

And maybe that person has a special place in your brain, randomly poping up in your mind, and you think to yourself "I wonder how he/she is doing," and promise yourself you will see that person again, someday.

Someday.

But the harsh truth is: you won't.

I guarantee you, there is someone out there you may think you will cross your paths with again, but realistically, you won't. And that's okay, too. For what I learnt in a difficult way is that it is impossible to keep everyone special to you close to you forever. Most people are meant to come to your life, and through just spending time with them to teach you a lesson and help you grow as a person. And then your paths go different ways. We all grow, we all change, we all set different life goals for ourselves.

And there may be some sorrow in that, but there is also joy.

Because when we grow and when we move on with our lives, new people cross our roads, new lessons get learnt and a new growth proceeds.

So, the lesson: enjoy the time now and here, with the people around you, be grateful for their exsistence, show them you care, let them know they are loved - because it's probably the only time you will share this prescious time and moments with them.

From a young age I was sculptured

To please the looking eye

Smile and be polite they say

Don't let them see you cry

Dress to impress, be stoic

First impressions mean the most

A worthy child listens

A parent sure to boast

I adopted this sweet notion

That I need not be rough

If I had outside validation

Then I was sure enough

If I did not have it

Surely I had failed

Driven by anxiety

My train nearly derailed

I learned it didn't matter

What everybody thought

I am my own person

I let my ego rot

I'm rising from the ashes

As I'm becoming me

I don't need their approval

Finally I'm free

The lesson I learnt the hard way was to appreciate my own company, building my self worth and becoming more ambitious and focused on my goals. It took years of heartbreak, pain, being used, being exploited and so on. But I learnt my lesson and now I’m better off. I learnt that I’m truly priceless, and the one whose gonna get me will be the luckiest man on earth.

It is not your job to make other people happy.

This took me forever to learn, and honestly, I forget it sometimes.

I always feel the need to make every person in my life happy, and when that doesn’t happen, I feel like I betrayed them.

No one has the power to make another person feel certain emotions, and as hard as I try, there is no way to make even myself happy all the time, let alone the rest of the world.

Even when I am able to make some of the people around me happy, somebody else will get mad because I’m not helping him out.

After that it is just a whirlwind of emotions from everyone around me and I somehow always manage to find myself in the middle of it.

Then I beat myself up because “I didn’t do a good enough job”.

I tell myself that I should have tried harder, communicated better.

But that isn’t the problem.

I am not the problem.

The world is not perfect and if someone is sad, it isn’t your fualt.

Even if you had a part in it, it isn’t your fault if someone is offended or hurt, because those emotions were their decision.

And it is their job to decide to be happy again.

Sure, you can help.

Give him a coffee.

Wrap her in a hug.

But none of those things will have a lasting effect if they don’t want to choose to be happy.

So, it is not your job to make other people happy.

Yes, you can help, but if they are sad, don’t put the blame on yourself.

And choose to be happy.

Who knows, maybe you will be helping someone else out by choosing to be happy so they don’t feel like they have to make you happy.

First, I've learned your life is rarely decided by one or two big decisions. I've noticed that it's the small. Seemingly insignificant choices that determine who you are, who you will be, and where you are going. Everyone wants to have that big break, but if you have slacked in your daily self-discipline. Then it won't matter what opportunity presents itself. You won't be ready. The Navy SEALS have a saying, "You don't rise to the occasion. You fall back on your training." I agree. Anytime I've succeeded in sports, school, or my job. It's because I studied, worked-out, got educated or worked overtime. Whenever I failed it was rarely because I was in over my head, but usually because I was either arrogant, reckless or lazy.

Second, this may sound like a contradiction to my first point, but life rarely rewards those who deserve it. Even if you work hard, get educated, and do the right thing. You still might not get what you are after. There have been many jobs that I should have gotten but was passed over because someone was friends with the boss. I always tried to be respectful to women growing up, but still got dumped or turned down for the "bad boy." You get the point.

Yet despite what I said. I would still say that diligence and good character are the keys to success. Because if you are in pursuit of a meaningful fulfilling life. Then chasing after a job that's an "all boys club" or a crush that would rather be with someone else. Is not something that you want to be apart of. Like Ernest Hemmingway said in one of my favourite novels the Old man and the Sea, "I'd rather be accurate than lucky. That way when luck comes. I'll be ready."

Third, I've learned the hard way to never take real friendships for granted. When I was in high school or post-secondary or travelling. I always assumed that there would always be amazing people in my life. If that were true, amazing people would simply be normal people. If you are lucky enough to find people that you have a real connection. Don't take them for granted. When you get older, they become harder to find and harder to connect with if you do find them.

A mild evening in September, when all was new,

Miles from home, the excitement grew,

I went to you, you were my friend,

You were my friend,

You drink me in, I see your eyes flicker,

I see mystery and possibly something sicker,

My teaching came drastic with a practical lesson,

Hands on and brutal with fire and aggression,

At first like a feather with slow descent,

Later I learned of your intent,

I was slow off the mark but escaped your shadow,

Now I’m broken in pieces

and inside Hollow.

#3Giraffes

Standing there during graduation, donned in the traditional hat and gown, overflowing with the satisfaction of achievement, I could feel the contentment course through me.

My heart pumped this contentment for some time following this. With hindsight, there's comedy in my arrogance. I was convinced that in three years I had discovered a permanent certainty of self that I had missed previously. I was adamant that I knew what I believed, I had solved the moral dilemmas that had faced me, I knew who my friends were and what I considered to be the fundamentals of life.

Then, this armour of certainty forged from contentment began to rust and holes appeared. Circumstance dropped me alongside past friends who refused to release their past perceptions of me. Suddenly, the certainty of self was being challenged by something as intangible as an alternative perception and the certainty wavered. Then, I entered new circumstances in which I met new people who had no perception. Convinced that I had the prime opportunity to enforce and establish my certain self upon the blank canvas of a new environment, again, my certainty of self was further corroded. They failed to accept my certain perception of self and formed their own perceptions which collided with my own.

With the shackles of uncertainty reapplied, the illusive contentment gradually slipped from me as I grasped in vain to retrieve it. Again, the ambitions I had for myself clashed awkwardly with the obstacles that were the perceptions of others. Each clash rattled my certainty and left me dizzy with questions. What do I believe? What do I do in this moral dilemma? Do I have friends? What are the fundamentals of my life?

Time passed. I learnt to navigate the obstacles of each person's perception of me. And incrementally, I felt the shackles of uncertainty weaken. I again had the agility to collect the shattered pieces of my contentment and refurbished this battered antique so it resembled its former prestige.

The cycle complete and a lesson learnt. Embrace and enjoy the certainty and contentment. However, know its fragility and expect damage. Accept that this will come but life will provide you with the tools to repair this.