3 reasons to not kill myself

1- I am a survivor of domestic abuse. And I made it through a battle that I didn’t think anyone could have fought through and won. But I never stopped believing that no matter how hard life knocked me down I was capable of getting back up again. And would do it repeatedly if necessary and I did. Over and over. I’m unstoppable. So are you.

2- You. Yes you. I know that my purpose is to not only to live each day with gratitude & goals. But it’s mostly to help others. Whether it’s a hello to a perfect stranger. Or a meaningful compliment, maybe even a hug. But I know that our paths cross for a reason. I know that in that one moment my words or touch could have been at best life changing.

3- As a testimony. Life hasn’t been easy. And I have tackled more than most I personally know. So knowing this. I can share with all my battle scars. And give people hope. That if I can climb up from ground zero you can too.

1) This one is hard because once you’ve made the decision to kill yourself, you are at rock bottom, and the sun hitting the ocean is miles away; you are too far away to see light. The key to not being suicidal (in my experience) is to know that everything is temporary. The water you are about to swallow to drown is only one aspect of a very complex ecosystem called life. I know next to nothing about scince, but I do know the ocean is a warm hug once you get used to the temperature.

2) You are thinking: there is no light. But there is. It is as real as your pain. You just have to cut through the clouds, see the good through the bad. That person who smiled at you in the street? They meant only good. See the good in others, and they will help you find the light you have not seen, the light you don’t know you crave.

3) You might be thinking, it’s hopeless. My life is hopeless. But, I’ve seen rock bottom many times and there is always room for growth, for change. How could there not be? You are in charge of your destiny. At any moment, you can push up from the bottom and change direction, go with the current or against it - however you see fit. It’s your life, no one else has it, no one else is in charge of you. Harness your wild emotions and know - simply know - that this pain will wash away and you are a priceless addition to the waters that be.

You might be thinking, it will never get better. But it does. Summer comes, people embrace each other, and life goes on. It is not perfect, or linear, but the sunlight does hit all who seek it.

It gets bettter. I promise.

Hang in there.

Reason one- If I die, who will show others the joy of my favourite music?

I am flipping through my playlist, and a person I just met is wearing my headphones (now broken, rip headphones) and she says “Wait, what was that one?!” It was butterflies, by zendaya.

Reason two- It’ll hurt anyone who cares.

Fourth grade, Jack killed himself, he was someone’s best friend, someone’s brother, someone’s son, someone’s grandson, nephew, and someone’s crush. It tore our hearts apart. Suicide doesn’t get rid of the pain, it spreads it.

Reason three- I can’t inspire people to be kind in my writing if I’m dead.

“What is your dream, %&!^^@? (replaced my name with symbols)

“I want to write fiction stories, and inspire those who read them to be kind, by showing them the pain of what they do causes. I once got told by an older man in the drive thru that I will be something special, as long as I stay determined and have a dream. It may have been the ramblings of an old man, but, I took it to heart.

Life is magical beyond belief,

The growth of flowers,

The patter of rain on a night filled with moonlight.

Life is worth fighting for,

The world grows and changes,

Yet one thing stays the same,

The hope that you bring the world.

Life can change with the snap of a finger,

Not killing yourself means the world can keep going,

The old hag in the town square will see you are still there and keep living,

You living could change her life,

Her living could change yours.

I.

think of the books yet unread,

worlds untouched by your fingers.

powers that have not been unlocked,

characters that are yet unloved

by you.

think of the words yet to inspire you,

the words that breathe life into your breaths.

there are worlds just waiting

for you to discover them.

II.

think of the books yet unwritten,

the worlds and the characters

that you were destined to create.

think of the people left uninspired

waiting for words they didn't know they needed

and you didn't know you needed to write.

think of the lives left stuffed in dusty corners.

think of the empty shelves in libraries

just waiting for

works with your name on it.

there are worlds just waiting

for you to create them.

III.

think of the lives you have yet to touch

people who didn't know they needed you.

think of the lives your suicide will hurt,

like a slap to the face.

even if no one knows you,

someone will miss you.

think of the nameless, faceless people

that your life will inspire.

think of the lives you could save

by telling them that it gets better

and showing them that it can get better.

there are worlds just waiting

for you to live in them.

So. You want to die? Ok by me. I love you. I’ll miss you. But I’m ok if you want to go. Just bear in mind a few gems of advice.

1. Make sure you die.

According to the American Association of Suicidology, 92-95% of suicides result in survival. While the Association doesn’t talk of the survivors, let me tell you something about it – from experience. The wound will hurt for months. It was a suicide attempt, after all. The scar may even show.

The mental scar won’t show. But boy, will it hurt!

The feeling of failure will haunt you for life. Only if you are super-lucky and super-persistent will you find happiness that obliterates the memory of a failed suicide attempt. Plus the reason for trying hasn’t gone away. So that headache gets carried forward.

So – make sure you die if you must attempt suicide.

2. Make sure you leave a suicide note behind.

So nobody agonizes for the rest of their life, wondering about their own contribution to the event.

And please, don’t blame anyone in that note. Others can try to drive you over the edge, only you can actually do it.

And remember, for every 4 people who try to push you over, there will be at least one who wants you around. Those who don’t care for you won’t notice if you die and won’t care if you blame them. Those who care for you will never want you to die no matter how much they hurt you.

Sure, find an escape if needed – you owe it to yourself. But not through death. Find another job, another city, another set of friends, another means of escape. Who knows? Happiness may just be around the corner. Why not wait a bit?

3. I won’t try to belittle your drivers to suicide. All of them will be genuine. All will be extreme enough to drive you to think of suicide. I too had strong reasons when I tried.

But you know what? Most things lose their relevance over time. Sure, some memories never go away. But they do get layered by fresher ones.

Just like an oyster creating a pearl.

Our experiences aren’t all bad. The really terrible ones never go away, but do become dim over time. Someday, even if not today.

Why not wait back and build your own pearl?

First off, I want you to know, the reasons vary with person... I was suicidal 3 years ago, and I still have those dark looming thoughts...

These are the reasons I used to not kill myself back then:

If I die, I can't paint.

If I die, I can't support my friends.

If I die, who is going to be a good influence to my little brothers.

If I die, I'll never be able to know what it feels like to be loved and wanted.

If I die, I'll lose the chance to meet my soulmate.

If I die, I won't be able to be an author.

If I die, I may lose the chance to know what it's like to live without being depressed.

If I die, I won't be able to pick flowers.

I basically took all the things I loved doing, and used them as a reason to continue living...

But I also did this:

If I kill myself and someone out there actually loves me, they'll be heartbroken.

I hate being the cause of anyone's pain, and commiting suicide would be the cause their pain...

But... If none of that works,...

How about, you'll never get the chance to see the change you're wanting to see if you kill yourself, because then it's one more person who is out of the fight. And that's one less voice fighting for that change.

The thing is, we never truly want to die... We want to escape the pain we're in, the pain we feel... And the only way we know would work, is to commit suicide... But what we don't realize is commiting suicide doesn't kill our pain... It gives it to someone else....

There's an Arabic Proverb that goes something like: You say you want to die. Throw yourself out to the sea and see yourself fighting to survive. You don't want to die, you want to kill what's inside of you.

this is what I found that has helped me. not my writing, just wanted to share. if you're reading this, feel free to message me to talk about mental health anytime. my personal addition is I'm looking forward to holding my godchildren when they're born.

"Because the pain I would inflict on my loved ones is far greater than the pain I'm enduring right now."

"If it makes you feel better in the documentary "The Bridge," people who have jumped and survived from the Golden gate bridge have felt instant regret after jumping"

"Because I don't quit."

"If I kill myself it can't and won't get better."

"Schopenhuaer, probably the most nihilistic of all major modern philosphers, condemned suicide. He argues that suicide is not a solution to anything - it merely negates the problem. Like staring at a difficult math problem and tossing it away as the solution. Certainly, you don't have to deal with the math problem anymore, but you haven't solved it. .... Whatever meaning is, whatever the answer to life, it must be sought in the here and now." (read that last line again. so powerful.)

"Death is waiting for each of us anyway; why call on it before our time?" (my two cents: death is infinite and life is brief. just stick with it, babe.)

"I'm not going to let her bury her child." (speaking of one's mom)

"You should keep living because you haven't found the reason to. Once you do, trust me, you'll never want to leave."

"I have a hope that the future will come through for me like it has in the past. Things really do get better, they just fucking suck right now." (my two cents again: if you have a tiny sliver, a shred, a grain of hope, that's enough. let that little hopeful dust mite keep you rooted here for a while.)

"Realizing my own perceptions were so negatively skewed is what helped lift me out of a major episode a few years back. I try to always keep it in mind whenever the feeling creeps back up."

"One thing to note here is that it's likely that people suffering from depression aren't in a good position to reliably estimate how valuable their future life will be. So even if it feels as if the future probably holds no value, you shouldn't trust that intuition. But of course I admit that it might feel that way."*

*I can confirm. No healthy mind actually thinks of suicide as a viable option, and if you're feeling that way, please reach out to me or someone else for help. I've been there and I know how to get out, and I'd like to share that with anyone who needs it.

1) life is terrible, we live with misery and short snaps of joy. joy is admittedly scarce. but your suicide will definitely not result in joy. not for you, not for others. i have no doubt that many will say that the world is more miserable without you in it.

2) it could be worse. and if it could be worse it WILL get better. it’s a strange conclusion to make, but it does, trust me.

3) so much beauty and joy in the world. despite all the massive amounts of ugliness and hateful actions of others, the world is surprisingly beautiful.

4) you do not know what real effect you have on others. what they bother to show is often far less then they would like to show.

5) so many things haven’t happened yet. you will never know how things evolve, if you don’t stick around.

6) the fact that you are looking for reasons to stay around, means you are not certain this is a good idea. it isn’t, the worst possible choice.

7) you have constructive outlets to externlize pain, anxiety, frustration, and anger. they will in turn both bring you satisfaction, and possibly change how you view things. pain Doesn't go away easily, but it can be tamed.

8)food, humor, music and literature- i know i already mentioned the beauty in this world, but unless you are blind/deaf/lactose intolerent, there is sooo much to enjoy.