A Love Letter To A Friend.
Treat me not with the merciless indignity of friendship.
Not when I have wanted you so viscerally. Not when you occupy my every waking thought, and then, not content with that daylight mastery, you omnipotently deign to also haunt my dreams... such carnal dreams...
Of course I should not be complaining. It is a clemency that you enter me at all, even if you might not choose to. I want you inside my mind. In depraved, destructive ways. I want to be defiled by you, owned by you, kept by you. I want to languish in the power of your magnificence, to be nourished and then to die from your presence, as a flower wilts in too much life-giving sunlight.
But it cannot be so and I know it.
This intellectual fantasy, this... sensationalist fetish... does not align with my reality. And I am even now grimacing at myself for writing such ludicrous drivel.
It’s true, to be sure, you have never met a person so able to argue herself out of a compliment.
She seems nice, you might think on a first glance, or at least calm and undramatic, she might be fun to hang around with.
Not a moment later you will stagger back in horror, entirely convinced by my pompously eloquent self-flagellation that in fact I am just as demonically grotesque as the most barbarously gnarly beldam in existence. That I am but a vile putrid wretch! Let me alone to wallow in my egotistical misery!
...I take it all back.
I retract my words from you as a cat retracts it’s claws from a beloved scratching post, getting them caught and meowing pitifully for release from my self-inflicted predicament.
Treat me, please, with the merciful dignity of friendship.
Could it really be possible that a being as flamboyantly monstrous as myself could be gifted such a forgiveness?
Surely it cannot be hoped.
But either way, I promise that I shall henceforth endeavor to be more worthy of such a compassion.
a promise of perfection - verdict: fail
promise #1: i'll be the best daughter you could have asked for.
sleepless nights, falling onto a tearstained pillow
fake smiles, frigid stares, feared and dreaded disappointment
bad decisions, a perfect record, lies lies lies
promise #2: i'll stay with you forever
happy beginnings and hopeful first dates
discussions of a future years ahead, already in the making
open conversation curling in on itself
forgetting who you are and who you want to be
arguments and frustration and the inability to accept reality
bad decisions, perfected smiles, blank eyes, lies lies lies
promise #3: i'll have my life figured out and planned like you wanted
goals and dreams and ambition
late nights mapping out your life
feeling like its actually someone else's
finding things you love and hiding them
shame and worry and fear and lies lies lies
perfectly planned agendas open and unchecked
finding solace in what does not fit in the plan of a life that's not yours
finally escaping, trying to figure out who you are
who are you?
promise #4: i'll love only who the world thinks i should love
going out with a boy
laughter and jokes and what could have been love
overthinking, overcompensating, overwhelming
perfect presentation of a picturesque relationship
fighting, avoiding your thoughts, avoiding his body
being both ashamed and so so relieved
her, in the back of the car
faceless, and yet so so much more right
puzzle pieces properly in place
going back to perfectly pretending
lies lies lies
promise #5: i'll be perfect
Will I ever make it right?
Will I ever make you proud?
Will I ever protect you from your sadness?
Will I ever be the one to make you feel like you again?
Will I ever try to keep the promise of finding/bringing your happiness back?
The lie you cant resist
A lie. Or maybe more? What is it like to tell the truth about a lie you told?
Forever. Thats what I told her. Forever and nothing more to care for.
Flowers? Maybe dancing? A prom which had to be like no other. But what if. What if I did it just slightly diffrent? No flowers but stars, no dancing but flying, no prom but dying.
Is it true I left you? Or is there a little more to do for you?
After the lies that got told, the hate that got given, it's finally MY turn not to be forgiven.
She Made Me
Girl of thunder
Of magic and wonder
Every day with you is an adventure
The messy calls
Shines a lantern for my heart
Confident yet kind
Reminds me of a goddess
The girl who fights
The one who dreams
The one who rests when need be
The girl who gives
The one who holds
The one who reminds me to take in oxygen
Pure and noble
Made my soul make a promise
She taught me
Slapped me into perspective
She is teaching me how to just... be
So if she can defy death twice,
And come out still standing,
Why do I even try to roll the dice
Even when my brain is too demanding
She makes me live,
because there isn't a world I would want to live in
Without her joyous smile