"Are you playing hide and seek?"

The humanoid figure hiding in the shadows jumped, then turned to face the little girl in her pink dress. "No."

"Can I play?"

"No. Go away, kid."

"Why?"

"I'm busy."

"You don't look busy. You look like you're hiding in a corner."

"I'm not. My foot is stuck."

"Do you want help? I can go get--"

"No!" The mysterious figure nearly pops out of hiding, lunging towards the child, before they catch themself.

The girl's eyes glazed over, and her lower lip began to tremble. Very quietly, she said "Oh."

"Sorry," the figure said gruffly, retreating back into their corner.

She sniffles.

The stranger visibly softened. "You were right. I am hiding."

The girl's transformation was immediate. "Why? For how long? From who?"

"From whom."

"What?"

"Proper grammar. You should say from whom."

"You didn't answer my question," said the little girl petulantly. She very nearly stomped her foot on the ground, then remembered that only babies have temper tantrums. She settled for a seething glare, directed at the hazy figure in the shadows.

"I haven't had time to answer your torrential downpour of questions. Psst--" Hearing someone's approach, the little girl ducked into the same small alcove as the unidentified stranger. They let out a soft "oof" as the child's elbow catches their ribs, but otherwise remain perfectly still.

A woman's strident voice slowly grew loud enough for the hidden pair to catch identifiable words. "So then I told him, 'She's no good for you!' "

"Is that right?" a second voice replied.

"Mmhm. I looked him straight in the eye, and I told him--"

The other woman gasped. "You didn't."

The first voice cackled gaily. "I did! I told him that his lazy, no-good, harlot of a wife didn't hold a candle to me."

The second woman nearly fell over in excitement. "What did he say?"

The little girl craned her neck to try and catch the last of the conversation, but they were already too far away to hear. "Are you hiding from them?"

"No. Would you move? You're crushing my-- ow! -- spleen. Thanks."

The little girl climbed out of their hiding spot, brushed herself off, then solemnly proclaimed: "You have a spider on your head." The figure uttered a muffled shriek, then flailed briefly, batting at the air. The little girl watched, giggling. "I lied. You're funny. Whom are you hiding from?"

The stranger brushed themself off, attempting to reassert their dignity. "Now it should be who."

"That doesn't make sense," the little girl whined.

"Neither does your persistence."

"You're mean. I'm gonna go tell my daddy about y--"

The figure stopped the child mid-sentence with a hand clamped over her mouth and a harsh whisper. "Wait! I'm sorry."

Muffled by the hand, the girl asked, "You are?"

"Yes. Please don't tell anyone, but I'm looking for someone."

"Who?"

"Promise you won't laugh?"

"Nope. But I won't tell on you. I'm a good secret keeper. I haven't told anyone that Mummy likes the gardener, or that they..." The girl trailed off, perhaps realizing that she'd just negated her own point. The stranger, slightly better lit now that they were halfway in the hallway but still completely unremarkable, blinked twice in surprise before remembering their objective.

"Fine. I'll tell you. But you can't tell anyone." The little girl nodded frantically. The stranger leans in close to the child, whispering loudly in her ear, "I'm looking for my pet frog."

The girl giggles. "I won't tell. What's his name?"

"His name is, um... Frog. Can you go outside to look for him?"

"Okay, but didn't you already look there?"

"He hops really quickly, and he likes the outdoors. Please? If you find him, then we can play hide and seek." The girl quite literally started vibrating with excitement at the prospect, entirely forgetting the improbability of finding a small pet frog in the middle of three acres of forest.

"Really?"

"Yes. But you have to find him in the next seven minutes, or the deal's off."

"Deal!"

When the last of the little girl's footsteps had pattered away into silence, the unremarkable stranger turned back to the wall, set a timer, and walked casually down the hall. They left through the front door with three minutes to spare, whistling a melancholy tune.

I just wanted a goddamn sandwich.

A sandwich with chipotle mayo, pepper jack cheese, honey roasted turkey, sliced tomatoes from my mother-in-law's garden (bless that woman), and spinach because I'm healthy this month. You take that monster of beauty, lovingly tucked between two slices of multigrain bread, and gently glide it onto your stovetop grill. Toast until the cheese drips then sizzles onto the metal. Carefully take it off the heat. The cheese should have melted between all the layers, it should keep your creation together, but be careful anyway. Then use the knife you spread the mayo with and slice that sandwich into two perfectly imperfect halves. Eat hot.

Every day at 1pm I close my work laptop and make it.

Then that day happened.

I closed my laptop. I stood up from my chair and stretched. The PJ bottoms I wear with my professional button down rose up as I reached up and exposed my ankles to the cold apartment. After adjusting the heater, I threw a robe on and began preparations for the best 30 minutes of my work day.

My manager was being more unreasonable than usual, and more than one coworker had let me down. Something that never lets me down? My sandwich.

I yell at my wife in the other room.

"Do you want lunch? I'm making my sandwich special."

"Not right now sweetie." She always says that.

Then I take out the bread, the tomato, the cheese, the turkey, the spinach, and the chipotle mayo.

My knife was next to my plate. My current podcast "Welcome to Nightvale" played in my earphones (episode 157). I picked up the chipotle mayo.

I opened the lid.

A tentacle blacker than that paint all the artists were on about last year slithered out of my jar, wrapped around my torso, and yanked me in.

After a harrowing journey through a hellscape of Lovecraftian horror, during which I made peace with being a flea in a galaxy of giants, I finally slipped back into Clthullu's nest and found the portal it accidentally pulled me through. With a pop like a balloon I appeared in my kitchen. I stood over an open jar of chipotle mayo sitting neatly on the linoleum floor. Adrenaline racing I screwed the lid back on and left the jar on the countertop next to the tomatoes and cheese and meat. I left the kitchen, sat at my desk, and starred at the room around me. It was unchanged. In the months I'd been away, only 26 minutes had passed at home.

My clothes were rags and anywhere I wasn't bruised I was scrapped. A crude sword I carved from the bones of a titan was still tied to my side.

My wife!

I leapt up to see her. To hug her. Then I sat down. How was I going to explain this to her?

And I still wanted my sandwich. Maybe I would piece together my story while waiting for the cheese to melt, I thought, but when I walked into the kitchen I saw that jar, that evil orange jar, and turned around and returned to my desk.

"Hey sweetie!" My wife called. It was the first time I'd heard her voice in so long. I let the sweetness of it calm me from my moment of mayo induced fear. Would I ever be able to make my sandwich special again? "I think I actually will have some lunch today." I could hear her walking to the kitchen. I froze. "You make that really great sandwich..." Oh no. "With chipotle mayo, right? Oh, it's right here."

I heard a pop like a balloon. I heard the jar and the lid drop to the floor of my kitchen and I heard the absence of my wife.

After that I took a shower.

I packed a bag.

Then I opened that jar of spicy mayo.

There I was, lying in bed, hours before I needed to wake.

Caught halfway between meaning to get up and pondering the day's tasks ahead.

My phone vibrates/blinks.

Grrr. It's her.

Wash your dishes!

Clean your bathroom!

Have I not taught you anything?

Seriously?

I'm at sleep-away camp, and she bugs me with this.

nag.

nag.

nag.

The woman never stops!

Shall I respond?

no.

That's feeding the beast what she wants.

But I can't let her get away with this emotional abuse.

I'm away at camp, my happy place.

Listen here you naggy beastie!!

I've had enough of your harassment, leave me be!

You can nag me all you want when I get back,

But I'm currently away at sleep-away camp.

The beast responds:

Oh, I'm sorry

I didn't mean to bug you while you are away at camp.

I was simply making a statement for my own wellbeing.

Now how can you argue with that?

He knocked on my door.

Asked if I wanted some lotion.

I pointed to the sign at my window.

He smiled, his teeth perfectly white.

Apologized. and winked

With his blue eyes.

Another knock

"Do you want a cookie?"

I pointed to my window again.

He smiled, his teeth white

His eyes blue.

Sorry, thought this is what you wanted.

Knock Knock

"Do you want a deer head"

I pointed to my window.

White teeth

Blue eyes

Sorry, what do you want?

Knock.

I didn't answer.

It was just him.

KNOCK KNOCK

Pause

KNOCK KNOCK

No question,

No pointing.

Just metal.

Click,

"Hello."

Do you want to buy something now?

After our break up, he told me a few things that I never thought I would hear a human being saying to me. As shocked as I was, I couldn't believe he chose to tell me something so serious behind a phone, a message. He believed that I would return to him after that but he only made me to hate him a little more for such a big lie. He knew since we started dating and never said anything. How could he? I asked myself but there was no answer. I was having a relationship with a complete stranger and now he made my life even worse.

Days gone by and he kept message me on my social,so I blocked him, only to cause another problem. He threatened me that he would make my life miserable and that I couldn't find a job anywhere. He couldn't understand that I broke up with him and that I didn't want him back in my life, so he decided to threaten me and call me things only to say after a few hours that he loves me.

I asked myself why I gave a chance to a person like him. He tries to bully and all those words just to make me go back to him. I decided to go for a walk and a few hours later he appeared in front of me. How in the hell? a voice in my head said. He freaks me out and I am getting scared now. He found where I live and he came without any worn or something. I need to get away from that guy real quick but he will realize that I am scared. I should at least record our conversation.

<< What the hell is wrong with you?>> I said to him

<< Just hear me out>> he said

<< I don't want to! I told you we broke up and it's over. Leave now!>> I said and he got angry

<< You will fu*ing listen to me or else I will hit you!>> he said with a loud and angry voice.

<< Stop shouting! And congrats by the way. You only make me hating you more>> I said and tried to keep walking but he caught me

<< You will hear me because I love you!>> he said to me

<< No! You don't love me Nick! You can't say you love someone and when I tell you I don't, you shout and call me whore. It doesn't work that way.>> I said while I was trying to hold my tears.

<< I never meant those, but you make me angry! I love you and I will do anything for you, that is why I did what I did.>> he told me

<< No Nick! You did them because you wanted to hold me with something just in case I wanted to leave you. And I am so disguised by you.>> I said and he now became angry again.

<< You fu*king b*ch!>> He said and tried to hit me but I got lucky because a stranger walked by

<< You ruined my life and kept ruining by hurting my boyfriend? You are sick and I don't want to see you again.>> I told him as I was shouting at him

<< You keep seeing that ba*rd?>> He said while he let a smile

<< Well that b*rd you say, he treats me very good so far and I intend to keep him in my life.>> I said as I was getting annoyed

<< He is not for you!>> he said again with a smile

<< Neither are you! So please stop or else I will call the police. Enough trouble I had with you and now I am not gonna get scared. Payback is a b*ch and I am gonna take it if you continue threaten me.>> I told him with confidence.

<< I am the police! No one can hurt me!>> he said now with a laugh. How I wanted to have a knife and throw it in his hear or heart.

<< Oh but you really are? Now Nick you threaten me, hurting people I love, came to where I live without telling you that I am staying here, and you just tried to slap me. And I have a list, I can go on if you want. So no you are not the police.>> I told him and I could see his face now getting angrier and wanting to disappear.

<< You cannot prove any of this but I have people and I can damage you!>> he said

<< Oh I have people too! And proof too. So come one let's go right now to the police and I am going to call my boyfriend to come too cause he has proof of what you did to him so please, come one let's go.>> I challenged him with confidence and I could see how he hesitate for a few minutes.

<< Fine I will you alone! I am not gonna disturb you again. Goodbye!>> he told me and he left.

I finally won him! I can't actually believe I made him get scared and leave me alone for the rest of my life. He took what he deserved and I am happy that I found the courage to do it, that my boyfriend will be proud of me and mad too because I didn't call him to tell him that HE was hear.

~the end~