stockholm syndrome
sneaky little thing
slipping through my grasp
i just can't let it go though
but i'm wanting it to last
i love it like a drug
and hate it just as much
trapped inside addiction
like a violent form of lust
i'll get there i know
but right now im a mess
like a broken jigsaw puzzel
im picking up the peices i left
but it's stuck to me
like a parasite of sorts
like a Stockholm Syndrome
like a ship never pulling into port
i love it, hate it
leave it and come back
like a toxic relationship
i just want something can't have
i love it like a drug
and hate it just as much
trapped inside addiction
like a violent form of lust.
You
Hey there trouble, haven't seen You in a while,
Thought You might have left our town.
For a moment I was scared,
But now You're back, and I am saved.
It might be hard to understand,
But when You're near me – I feel blessed.
So could You please just stay some more?
It pains me much to see You go.
Well, it's okay, I'll see You later anyway,
I know the paths You walk each day,
Along these routes I'll leave my clues,
Reminding You that You're my muse.
Hungry?
Obsession, she will bury you alive.
I met this poison flower the summer I turned 17.
She crept inside, and made herself at home.
I was alone a lot that summer, with raging anxiety, she took her shot.
At first, I skipped a few meals.
Not much food in the fridge anyway.
My room was my fortress and the kitchen was miles away.
It didn't take long before I noticed.
The body I had ignored for the past 17 years had started to change.
The mirror was giving me compliments, and the demon in my head cheered me on.
As time went on, with her encouragement, I started going days without tasting a thing.
Nobody seemed to notice.
After a few months they did notice, looking at me long enough.
They mimicked my mirror, "wow, you look great", they'd say.
It felt good. Better than I'd ever felt before.
Every time my stomach growled it felt like an accomplishment.
Every time I said no to a meal, snack, dessert, obsession patted me on the back.
"Well done" she told me.
"Just you wait" I thought.
I got a gym membership, no friend or boyfriend to tend to.
I ran for miles on the treadmill, stepping off only when I worried I'd pass out.
Maybe then they'd notice.
No one ever did.
I ran longer, faster. I got lighter, thinner.
It felt as though I was walking on air.
I watched the scale drop, I shopped again and again for smaller pant sizes.
I started vomiting.
Even a small glass of water would fight its way back out.
Each time I'd clean it up, disgusting, proud.
My skin broke out constantly, begging for help.
I ignored, makeup did the trick.
Obsession admired the bones protruding.
When I did eat, she pushed salty tears from my eyes every bite I took.
"This is who I was meant to be, this is how I've always wanted to look."
My peers agreed. I was getting attention like never before.
I hadn't had a craving in months. Not even a $100 steak made my mouth water.
I took pictures of myself consistently for the first time, she loved them.
What had it been? 9 months?
60 pounds down, how much farther could I go?
Light headed was my constant state of being.
The witch said it would all be worth it.
I got in a car accident on the way to the gym. Broke my sternum in two places.
At the hospital they asked, "When did you eat last?"
"I couldn't tell you, maybe two or three days ago."
No one batted an eye, chalked it up to shock.
My favorite clothes hung off of me, bitter trophies.
I could hear her applause, I relished in it.
Things have changed.
I met someone who made me happy.
It didn't take long for him to notice, and he cared.
He took me out to eat, helped me cook my favorite meals. Encouraged me.
It all came back, the weight.
But, she never left.
Obsession sits within me nagging just as much as before.
But now she screams, profanities and insults.
She haunts me every time I look in the mirror.
"Remember when you were skinny? Remember when you were beautiful?"
Its a high I can't reach again, a scratch I can't itch, it's my illness, my obsession.
I hope one day I can say goodbye to her, a farewell, good riddance.
Playing in the Puddle of a Feverish Obsession
Oh, and how I fancy my new lover’s embrace!
A gentle obsession embodying my senses!
A curious warmth envelopes my usually timid self,
and I cannot help but to melt,
to emotionally die,
in the passionate breath this man exudes.
And oh! Oh, how he finds these unknown trails to explore!
And on a second’s wing tip,
I cannot stand to wait for his intake of breath.
I cannot fathom even a fraction of time passing through us, untouched.
For this obsession to want to forever swallow his scent,
this aching yearn that clenches itself below my flesh -
how it all bursts so colorfully!
An aura of a shimmering ecstasy enfolds,
as yet again,
another fantasy rides head first into our magnificent, secret love story.
BLEACH&VIOLENCE
And smoke billows, rising from tear-soaked pillows and I SWEAR I can HEAR the willows weep...
But how do I make it through when all I want is to be alone with you, my heart is bruised with black and blue and this night smells like bleach and violence
Circles the shades of Saturn’s rings surrounding my eyes, they have seen The THINGS, forgive me, oh, Lord, for my slurred words with hell’s beings in sinful misalliance
Danger is in full effect, concepts of health and safety, I solemnly reject, take the venom, poke it through, inject, and never return
Flames where my pupils should be burn, I lack care, common courtesy, and concern, when you will come back is difficult to discern but you always DO, I’ve come to learn
Skin glittering with beads of sweat, I’ll always remember the first time I met you-
In all your glory, crystal clear-
You came and lifted me, let a drop of red smear
And in my chest, I felt your rush, I fell in love instantly, for days I could GUSH, across my scalp, tingles down my back and I don’t feel cold anymore
This vein is an open door, I said I’d never taste you, I promised, I SWORE, but because I HAVE, I want you more and MORE and I can’t sleep at night
I could leave you if I put up a fight because you’re not meant for me, letting you in isn’t right, so out of mind and out of sight, but I can still hear you calling my name
Now, I know that I’ll never be the same, this craving for you is impossible to tame, I’m addicted to the romanticism of a chemical love game and I can’t walk straight-
You are an impure manifestation of Hell’s gate, I should have run from you instead of passing through, now it’s far too late, by filling my blood with you, I have sealed my own fate and now there’s nowhere to turn
And inside, I long for your burn, salivating at the thought of your pinpricked return, my head starts to spin, my stomach begins to churn and I shiver
I am but the taker to your giver, into my red and eaten by my liver, and of hope to get out this, there is only a sliver, I am connected to you
And, oh, dear Lord, how I fervently pray every night and throughout every day that you would give me the strength to just turn away from what I almost feel I NEED
To their words of warning, I took no heed, I thought I held the reigns, could control the feed I administered to myself, now I’ll never be freed of this all-consuming WANT
Right down the hall exists a taunt, I shall consume and consume until I’m skeletal and gaunt, the idea of living without is my utter daunt and I don’t know what to do
Last night, there was but a taste of you and that’s not nearly enough to get me through the dark and shaking, lonely sleep of a woman with a medicated addiction to keep
And now you’re nowhere to be found, I would if I could even lick you off the cold ground, a chemical fascination to which I am now tied and bound
When will you, oh, WILL you swing back around?
Obsess...
I'm trying hard
...not to obsess
about this...
I'm trying hard
...not to obsess
about that...
I'm trying hard
...not to obsess
about me...
I'm trying hard
...not to obsess
about you...
aii I'm obsessive
...and what's an
obsessor to do...?
06.22.2023
Something about obsession/being obsessed challenge @Melpomene
Obsession
I keep waking up with the same thought.
I keep chasing my dream but it's yet to be caught.
I run and I Lift
But it feels to just drift.
I want it nay need it
If I can't I'll throw a fit
The dream that I chase
for the impact I brace
I write in my sleep
I don't make a peep
If I can't run ill creep,
But this close to me this dream i keep