A tiny house in California

Could buy us a mansion way out here

The sad part is i know we hate this place

We’re running but we cant go fast

We’re treading over broken glass

Is it our feet or our heads that know we’re bleeding

Everyone goes

I know i know i know

But we’re getting way too comfortable hating ourselves

Like the stars we wished on are just giant balls of gas

But everyone goes

I know i know i know

Took some pills, maybe I’ll feel better

Can you get high off of Benadryl

It’s four am and I’m still wide awake

I blew all my cash in 16 hours

I can’t even pay my bills

I give a new definition to “starving artist”

So i have to go

I know i know i know

A corpse they found underneath San Domingo bridge

I want to tell you, but all my words are wrong

So I have to go

I know i know i know

So we gotta go

I know i know i know

I took your word and abandoned it

The moment you left was the moment i hid

Feel the blood running down my wrists

But im terrified it’s all in my head

I’ll go out to public-owned land

And call 911 before I lose my head

Will I decompose before someone cares?

Will they scream “WE WERE JUST RIGHT HERE!”

Or Will aliens pick me up and take me far

Was Heaven’s Gate that crazy after all?

Or will I die, and that’s it?

Purpose is what idiots make of it

Are these all warning signs

Maybe i should get help this time

My therapist doesnt think I'm crazy

Is there hope for an alien like me?

A silenced gun, and a happy face

Is the silence my happy place?

The blood falls from my wrists

On to the piano

Somehow the most beautiful music is made that way

Van Gogh eats the yellow paint

Histrionic

Art is made by the bloody tragic crisis’ of our lives

I sit in my darkened room, staring at the old Brittney Spears poster that fell off my wall two weeks ago. I've decided it's not worth my time picking it up. my eyes drift to the digital clock on my decades-old pink vanity—7:45 am. I'm running late. I let out a heavy sigh and lift my emotionally malnourished body off of the creaky twin-sized bed that I've slept in since second grade.

The emotional hermit of a human I call Mom hasn't refurbished my room since my dad died. When he committed suicide Karol decided that she'd take up a hobby in apathy. She doesn't talk to me until absolutely necessary and doesn't seem to care about anything I do since I got out of ED recovery. She never seems to notice that the only time I ever even leave my room is for school, and today is my last day, after today, I am graduated.

I make my way to the bathroom to wash my face and throw on makeup. I look at the person in the mirror. she looks like me, but half alive. I wash my face and put on enough makeup to hide the paleness of my skin, I muster up a smile and head down to the kitchen. Kallum is standing by the door excitedly. I look at the plate of food my mother left out for me and leave the house. I get in my 2004 Chevy Silverado and drive. Kallum chooses the music, it winds up being some video game music I've never heard of. I crank the volume and keep my eyes on the road. Kallum is rocking out doing air guitar and mouthing the lyrics. I smile to myself. I love him.

we pull into Galena High School. Kallum's eyes light up as he sees his girlfriend. A small black girl with pigtails, blue and pink glitter eyeshadow, and an oversized letterman jacket knocks on my passenger window. Kallum rolls it down and gives her a passionate kiss.

"PDA!" i yell playfully and shoo him out of my car. They both giggle and run off into the school yard. a large purple school bus with the words "CLASS OF 2008!" spray painted on the side pulls into the school parking lot. Jocks pour out of the badly painted bus and start chanting.

"C.L.A.S.S of 20 06, C.L.A.S.S of 20 06". I roll up my passenger window, put in the new Amy Winehouse CD, and wait for the bell to ring. I run to class, trip 4 times and make it into Ms. Sanchez's class with 26 seconds to spare.

Ms. Sanchez is the best teacher in the entire school. she's taken care of me all year and helped me pass all my classes, now i get to spend my last day in her classroom. I know everyone but i don't really have friends, it never really bothered me until Ms. Sanchez says the worst sentence an introvert could hear.

"Everyone find a partner". I have a mini panic attack and wind up partnering with the teacher, which I don't mind but everyone will give me weird looks. but at this point, I'm used to being looked at this way. we play a trivia game. you pick a random prompt, and you have to answer it about one of the people in the partnership and see if you come up with the same answer. luckily I've eaten lunch with Sanchez all year and I know more about her than any of the students.

"favorite color? 1, 2, 3!" i smirk

"Purple!" we say in unison

"Spirit animal?"

"Albatross!"

"Dream travel destination?"

"I don't know this one," she says to me with an eyebrow raised

"Amsterdam" I respond shyly

"That's a good answer though" she chuckles "Illinois sucks anyway"

I feel good.

Would you understand me better

If I spoke in binary code

If I got your attention with

Beeps and boops, and monotone speech

Would you find me interesting

If you could control me with a remote

If I was fast and flashy and eye-catching

But I'm not a machine

I'm a person

Not a perfect one

But one who tries her best

Though I don't sing in 0s and 1s

Every song is about you

But I'm fighting a screen

And I know I can't beat a machine

They are made to be perfect

I was made to be me

And sometimes thats not good enough

Your attention is more applicable

To something that doesnt ask for love back

Something that will do what it is programmed to

Something that can't prove you wrong

Something that listens to you

But I'm just human

And thats not enough

I guess

Pinch me now

You're caught in my crossfire

Fell into

Your arms, but they got tired

We're so good aren't we

Till it just stops working

Almost like

We tore out the same page, and

Left a lot of

Room for the same mistakes you

Never quite let me in

Till it gets bad again

I'll stop waving a flag

I'll just drop all caring for that

I go quiet

And you go cold

Hope it passes before

We get

Older

Humour me

Be honest do you

Need a break from me

I see you suffocating

But won't you just look at me

Or am I too draining

You spent hours awake

Holding me, said it was okay

I was crying

But you got tired

Hope it passes before

We get

Older

ive cried every day this week

and I'm not sure why

ive never been so fucking depressed

but it's alright

or at least I think it is

i've listened to more music

but each song makes me sad

ive paid much more attention to the words

"I had a feeling so peculiar

that this pain would be for

Evermore"

i listened to that song for an hour staight

while crying

and lying in bed instead of going to work

keeping my boyfriend worried

keep him on his toes

i'm on my toes too

i don't know why I feel like this

why it wont stop

no one is mad at me

so why do I feel that the world is against me

like there is a gun to my back

i almost want him to pull the trigger

he wont

who cares what I want

but I just want to be okay

why is it so hard to feel normal

fuck

fuck

i cant stop my fingers

they move at lighting speed

writing the longest poem know to man

nobody will read it, stupid

it's not pleasant, because my mind hasn't been pleasant

nobody wants to know what you're going through

they want to read an entertaining piece of art

write that

no, I don't want to I can't

who cares who reads it, I wrote it

barely, I havent even got out of bed today

i woke up at 2pm

lazy

sloppy

ungrateful

be better

i can't

im trying my best

so try harder

i can barely keep myself clean

THEN TRY HARDER

i cant

i cant

i cant

you wont

you wont

you wont

your the reason for all your problems

self-sabatoage is your middle name

you wont get up

you wont work on your album

you wont write poetry

you wont smile

you wont change your clothes

you wont take a shower

it's possible, you just wont

you want to stay sad

admit it

you like feeling helpless

you like that lack of control

i dont

but you need it

i can't have this conversation

you wont

you avoid confrontation because you love it

fine I wont have this conversation

goodnight

im not sure what to write

i know what people like

but this week has felt as though

i might not survive

i left home

made people mad

but i feel hopeful

is that really bad

or should i feel terrible

like a dad whose gone to get ciggarettes?

i dont though

my love and well wishes go out to them

but all that theyve done to me

should i really pretend

that im not the slighest bit angry

that they didnt ask where i was last night

or should i accept that all we do is fight

and i could never be enough

so why should i try

when my opinion is the only one

that even matters in the meantime

no matter if you meant to hurt someone

it matters that their hurt

and ego is the evil

that continues to lerk

through you and her and him and her

once again it doesnt matter

if you meant for me to hurt

because i did

for too long

i dont owe you a thing

just leave me alone

please

just for the time being.

A body on i-40

Her blonde hair poking through the weeds

Her skin was just so pale

So white it was almost green

My first thought was to call the cops

But what the hell were they going to do

I knew I'd be the first one questioned

Because the sad thing is I knew her too

Hannah was a cheerleader

Popular and smart

She made everybody feel like less

But I was the main star

The main victim to her schemes

But now she's finally dead

I swear it wasn't me

But I just can't pretend

I'm not a little bit happy

So I drive her into the Bosque

And dug a shallow hole

Closed her drained blue eyes

And threw away what was left of her skin and bones

I felt paranoid after that

It's like anything would know

Even a little sideways glance

Put me on my toes

Because Hannah was a cheerleader

That everybody knew

A perfect little princess

They're sure to start looking soon

But as a victim to all her schemes

Now she's a victim to me

Cuz I know what I said

But it seems I lied at the beginning

i found the tapes

and i watched her die

and now i cant relax

i cant sleep at night

it's my job

the chief put me on

and i still agreed

and i still feel wrong

the way she was tied up

gagged and bound

i felt i was in that room

just standing around

we shouldve helped her

but we were too late

were we the reason

that was her fate?

that man was evil

and yes, he's put away

but could we have prevented this?

kept her safe?

question after question

with no answers to be found

and now Jessica Leyson

lies 6 feet in the ground

blood running cold

and down the saw used

to rip him apart

dispose of him and keep his heart

because he wouldn't give it to me

when he was alive