I don't apologize. About anything. Yeah, so I do feel guilt like every other normal human being--but I can never bring myself to say a couple of words: "I'm really sorry."
What is it about myself? Is it pride? No, I don't think so. I open my mouth to say sorry, and the words get stuck in my mouth. I try to force them out, but they seem stuck there, a big ball of hot burden. I clench my teeth, and try to do it again the next day. Again, I freeze, and I look at my feet. What the heck is wrong with me? I scold myself. Why can't you just apologize? And so I try to be as friendly as I can, and try to forget about what I ever did. But I have a huge ball of guilt gathering in my stomach, and I don't want any more mistakes to be nesting there, so I guess I'll somehow have to force my voice to work.
And for all if you out there, if you see this: I'm really, really sorry.
Short Fuse
I cannot speak for God himself, nor put words in the divine mouth, but if I was God, I would be seriously pissed off at my short fuse, my tendency to make snap judgements without giving them any proper thought, and my devotion to the inane.
I would seriously lose a gold star over my love of sugar in general and chocolate in particular. I know full well that I am powerless to resist chocolate, but as long as no chocolate is in view I'm fine.
I would beg the Lord take into account my caring nature in offsetting these bad habits, and would hope that come judgement day I might be given the nod to pass through those pearly gates and on to an eternity of joy.
Maybe!
wounds that never heal
God is mad at me.
He knows what I've done.
He's seen me clean my hands
Wipe them on a nearby rag
And send it back into yesterday.
God knows my sins.
The deep ones that I hide from view.
He's been there counting
All my lies
The ones I've hidden
From plain view
God is really upset at me.
All the pain I've cast away
Blaming it all on yesterday
I paint the sky with hands of lore
Craving for the sun to set on my wrists
And burn away the ropes
Tying me back from dreams
God thinks I'm a disgrace.
I've shown him how unsuccessful
I can be.
He's watched me toy with the heart of others
Never following the worn advice from my mother
God is starting to ignore me.
He's watched too many tears
drip down my cheeks
My sanity grow meager
Despite the prayers of the preach
I watched the rain
Pound towards the pavement
Watch the smoke
Fight its way through the air
God is shunning me.
Because I will always be the girl
Who wipes her hands on yesterday
Applies foundation to the scratches
That cover her arms
Waiting for tomorrow to be better
Where I hope I'd wake up
And remember my pain.
Maybe. Not sure.
* I DO NOT INTEND TO OFFEND ANYONE. I AM JUST FULL OF UNANSWERED QUESTIONS SO I AM JUST ASKING TO RESPECT TO WHAT I BELIEVE IN. THANK YOU!! *
I have always been fond of the saying " God is with you in Spirit and in Heart"
I always ask too many questions it could really pissed somene off. God or not.
Why is this happening to me?
Why are there millions of people suffering?
Why should they suffer?
Why is there war?
Why do these things happen?
Is this punishment?why?
Why did you let them die?
Do they deserve those things?
When will justice prevail?
How could you let that happen to them?
How will they be able to survive?
How can things change when they feel damned enough to die?
Where were you when they needed you most?
Do you really exist? How?
How would I know you exist? There are different versions of you.
How would I know that the stories in the bible are nonfiction and not just a pigment of imagination from other writers? Or that you are just a wonderful creation of a creative mind?
I am no Atheist. I am Catholic still, but not practicing, And having met people who has different Gods and has just confused me all the more. And as I have said in my previous pieces, God I think is made by humans to have something to look forward to, to cling to at desperate times. Hope. It all comes down to being HOPEFUL that all the pain,death,sufferings or whatever difficult situation you are in today, it will pass. There's always light at the end of the dark tunnel. You're not alone.
So he would all get pissed with my questions and more. And I'm not ashamed of them. I don't care of I make mistakes or may seem rude to anyone or have skyhigh pride. I'm human. I'm entitled to those things. And if God truly exist then he will forgive me like everyone says so. He sent his son to die for our sins. I am saved already.
Maybe. Not sure.
I'm prideful to the max. If there's a moment where I can credit myself, I will take it. I am not arrogant, however I do love to talk about my accomplishments and if I could, I would title myself a genius or pretty much any other fantastic noun. I know I should not be idolize get myself, however little or big, and I should be giving props to the man upstairs, the puppet master, the one that knows everything, but I don't and I take those title for myself.
Rather.
God envies how I let myself go in the amazing oblivion of being a teenager.
Every lit up joit, every make out session and all the small little everyday things I do pisses him off.
But I am sure, that if I had to choose the very reason he will eventually send me to hell is that I don't give a damn fuck.
I rather make life heaven.
The Forgotten Paraclete
Back then i believed i was always pissing off God. Asking forgiveness, and for what it was i did do? That self flagellation i went through each time my perpetrator unleashed his torment and words - i was a pathetic, useless, sick, evil twisted bitch. The struggle each day that saw me fall short, but then there were times he was screaming and spitting in my face shouting that "you think you are so fucking perfect" - i became so confused. Shame - draw the curtains, stay inside - so messed up now - could he be right? Each time he tortured my mind, i punished my body, do you know what it is like to feel what you cannot see, i had no visible bruises just scars that ran deep. Madness creeping in. Mixed up, messed up so terribly confused - Tell me God, how should i have dealt with the abuse?
For you God i drank down so much guilt of feeling he was right - i tried so hard for so long to serve and honour he, to improve for thee, believing that i was the blame, it was my fault - Dear God - you saved me when i finally got away i thank you today for such insight. To have believed that perhaps there really was something so terribly wrong with me, yet you ask me to forgive God, all the bad that was done to me. Was it you too punishing me for my earlier sins? After all, i had stood before that altar and made a promise to You, i vowed to always love in sickness, in health, for richer, for poorer, until death us do part - it seems i broke that promise too, did i fail in your eyes? he still tells the children of how i broke his heart. He would remind me always of that promise we had made, that i did not want to go down the path of Divorce, of what it would do to him, his children, only he knew the repercussions, only he had suffered pain. There, right there, i was always brought back with guilt. Did i piss you off God because i could no longer serve against the genocide taking place on my mind, the monster that stole time, that broke a christian family of four - oh yes, we have suffered God yet we are standing still. Today, i do not forsake you but invite the paraclete in, for i understand that when man starts to respond to the spirit and forego his ego only then can he transform the self and begin again to align & serve you. I may have pissed you off, days still where i'm not sure if i could have done more or for what it was i didn't do? but know this - to be standing today, nearly, hopefully soon to be whole, is because i always kept faith in you.
Gave it Away
I think God may be pissed at me because I turned all my baggage over to him. He asked for it, right? Now I'm free to be sweet and generous.
Here's what happened. I was overwhelmed with painful issues. My best efforts could not change anything. I begged for help, but received none. So I said to God, in a manner of speaking, "I'm not begging anymore. Take this baggage and do with it whatever you will. Thanks."
I can't speak for God, but I'm pretty sure what pisses Him off the most is how I take advantage of knowing I came from Him. He is part of me, therefore I am a god myself. I do not go with the flow of other humans, because I am only half human. The rest of me, the best of me, is a goddess.
-ashleyanne