In went the trowel of thought

contemplations at midnight

evading sleep

drawing out night

till light reached out

smeared the planting grounds

with fresh concerns

earned by bills in boxes

seeding a new crop

of uncertainty

from tired soil still young

at twenty-four neither abused

or belabored to excess but just

enough to leave a rough

impression

in unmarked flesh

compressed

by nightmarish what-ifs and

beautiful dreams of the same

name

there's no shame

burying the worrying in hopes

that may not come to fruition

or hushing intuition

with a little ambition

fertilizer in dirt

leeched of value by too much

time beneath the glare of their

eyes

the demise of weeds

sprouting and self-doubting at

the finger-wagging

all uprooted

by those stalwart flowers

blossomed by their own

meager power

waiting for the shower

or just a smatter of praise

to rain and unfurl the petals

of something more

"at night lying awake

trying to ignore the ache

in my body and my mind

abused by the less than kind

I let thoughts wonder around

without making a sound

until they become dreams

of pleasant things

to drown the screams"

It's never just one thing. Sleep doesn't always come easy for the screams are too loud and long to be masked by even dreams. Thoughts pop in and out of my head like a tangible line to string theory, like a thunderstorm, it's a dark-thought downpour.

"Mind the artistic execution of purposeful manipulation; selling half-truths like fact in every way."

"People come and people go; content to ignore what they know."

"It isn’t a story of rainbows and sunshine, it’s the grit born through the dawn of mankind. In all the histories written by man, there’s never a question that we’ve fought for land– money and procreation, destroying nature for recreation. Killing people for the way they think, again and again, as some never blink. For all the good there’s a mountain of bad, hidden by clouds formed from the tears of the sad. So much blood and toxic waste, increasing frequency with such haste-- all just to get a taste of the “finer” things."

"How strong is the temptation of damnation within the corrupted mind of the individuals who find a touch of pleasure in the prospect of delivering pain?"

"Will the world drive me to my end before I know what it feels like to be loved?"

I try to sleep but my mind goes down the rabbit hole of all thing that make me want to cry, leading me to want to die– so I let my dark mind rage to clear the somber fog.

" Companies wanting employees with College Degrees like drones in their malevolently manipulated regime – profiteering greed steering the need to replace another cog in the wheel of such a machine."

"Why do killers kill? How can they kill without remorse? … because we’ve told them not to care what other people think. To do their own thing and be their own person… we told them people don’t matter."

"My heart aches for the half-tree, trimmed back for the path of a power-line."

"Raindrops don’t fill the wishing-well, only tears."

"So many of us don’t want be alone, so much so, that we will hook others into misery and suffering at our side, pretending that we care (for them,) when we just want them there, (for us.)" Like my Grandmother...

"We, as humans, are the products of the choices of those who came before us; and we, as humans, shape the future of humanity through the choices we then make for ourselves, which will always impact those around us, whether we realize it or not."

"To bring peace, you must first understand violence, as to learn to see the signs and thus conclude the best way to diffuse or redirect the intent before the execution. -- Like defusing a bomb… cut the wrong wire, it explodes and takes you with it. "

Sometimes I just have to remind myself, "Being anxious about your future is a debilitating excuse for not enjoying your present." That loosing sleep over these things isn't helping anyone, especially me.

|| another-proser ||

Thoughts.

Random thoughts.

Memories, conversations, actions, words.

Reflection. Thinking back on my day and contemplating what I could've done differently.

Making up situations where I would have plenty of time to consider each action.

Talking to myself.

In short, going crazy.

When insomnia strikes, I'm always way too tired to fall asleep.

What keeps me awake at night?

A myriad of things that never see the light

They could be dark, they could be bright

These keep me awake at night-

Is that a stalker standing by my bed?

I'd better not dangle my feet over the edge

In case a wizard is hiding there under

One hand on my foot and WHOOSH, I'm gone

Close the blinds tight

Don't let in any light

Just in case I see a scary face

Then the glint of a silver knife

Wrap myself up in thin and thick blankets

Hold myself in a comforting grip

Try not to think about things

Or else to Hell or Heaven I'll take a trip

Will I spontaneously combust?

Right here, right now?

Or will I have the chance

To say goodbye, to take a bow?

I take out my hidden PC

Go on writing, reading sprees

A bit of love, a bit of lust

There my fears are forgotten and just

What keeps me awake at night?

A myriad of things that never see the light

They could be dark, they could be bright

These keep me awake at night.

Beauty smiles down at me and she doesn't know what she does to my heart,

A simple act cracking beast hard interior, redecorating all her unfathomable thoughts.

Beauty holds out her hand and I grasp it tightly too afraid to let the moment slip, Beast is caught within her wit

She's the most magnificent creature, absolutely beautiful in Beast eyes; giving color to her doubts and darkest nights.

It's all in that simple smile.

The way her eyes lit up when she talks and down deeper Beast sinks-it's lost.

All the doubts, shyness, uncertainty-it's lost.

Beauty captures Beast heart in the quietness of a grim night.

The silence stealing it's voice, Beast is hypnotized.

You drift back into those dark places

Once again plagued by blacked out faces

Your breathing stops

Your heart drops

A tightness in your chest rises

All your friends blank expressions

Pools of blood all different sizes

So many questions

Is this my fault?

I kept my feelings inside a vault

A chilling feeling creeps up my skin

I'll have to contact their next of kin

Death wraps it's cloak around me

I'll never be free

Drowning in a black sea

Sleep is a foreign concept to me

I wish I could disagree

I open my eyes as death finally consumes me

Friends, Family, all of them gone

I look out my window, it's dawn

My eye lids are heavy

My emotional levee

Finally broke

Death as taken my final breath

I wonder where people go when they "die"

I mean, do they really stop existing, or

do they subsist some place else?

Maybe Heaven, possibly Saturn;

Maybe hell, possibly Mercury;

or do they just jump from one star to another?

This comes from the better side of insomnia.

TO KEATS: RETURNING

A swoon beneath the pillows and the sheets

of incoherent chanting, echoing beats

of tantric verse so sweet,

an unrelenting, blessed curse that frees

the dewy beads inert to drip and mingle

as rivulets through canyon crags

in willful, unconstrued meandering—

a yearning of perpetual returning

to mightier bear and dare the icy floes

adrift in their fragmented symmetry—

or as the thorny desert stubble plain

with its intermittent tumbleweed,

all pursuing harmony ’mid Beauty’s bliss

and Wonder’s mystery.