You don't want to do anything,

or you start a hundred things

and never finish one of them.

You Don't Care

-about the overflowing trash can.

-about stains on the bathroom floor.

-that your hair is dirty.

-what the date is, or if it's a weekday.

-that your feet are black on their soles.

-if your whole house is dirty.

If you feel guilty that your boyfriend has no clean laundry, or there's no clean cups for your child to get a drink...that's a good sign.

--Guilt means you still care.

If you observe these things and feel annoyed that no one else does chores, that's even better.

--Annoyance means you still see some value in yourself.

---If you observe these things and feel nothing, you're seriously depressed.

You don't want to go to the store

Cuz you might see someone you know.

You don't want to go to the mailbox

Cuz the neighbors might speak to you.

When you do get the mail in, it remains

unopened in piles all over your messy house.

The floor is an obstacle course,

you learn patterns of steps to avoid,

rather than picking shit up.

You have money in the bank,

but your bills are unpaid.

Shut off notices get taped to the front door.

You don't want to go anywhere.

Ever.

If you have to go somewhere,

you keep head down and eyes averted.

You return home as quickly as possible.

You resent questions about your life.

If you go to work,

you can't focus or complete anything.

You try to sneak in

so your coworkers don't notice

because you don't want to talk to them.

What you do complete is a mess.

You just quit going to work.

You quit answering the phone.

You ignore text messages.

You unhook the doorbell.

Facebook pisses you off.

TV is stupid and music annoys you.

You notice your friends quit calling,

but you don't really care.

Cuz they're stupid and annoying too.

You are lonely, but don't want to be alone.

When you have to talk to people,

You say what they want to hear to make them feel better.

Like "Yes, I'm getting over it"

And "Nope, I'd never kill myself."

You go to therapy for the sole purpose of making those people shut up.

When you notice that you're flat -

-Nothing makes you all that mad,

-Nothing makes you all that happy.

-The ASPCA commercials with Sarah Mclaughlin music invoke no emotion at all.

-Comedies aren't that funny.

-Cake isn't all that tasty.

You sleep a lot or not much at all.

You stay up all night

but sleep until 4 in the afternoon.

You quit eating.

Or you eat your feelings.

When hope is abandoned.

When every outcome you consider hurts.

When you can't picture a happy ending.

When you recognize pain you cause others is greater than the pain of your absence.

When you know your loved ones would be relieved by your death.

When you don't care if you live or die.

That's depression.

Depression is a loaded word. Like a thief in the night it slips in, often undetected by an outside eye but felt deeply by those affected. It can be described by a myriad of emotions which all come to play in turn. It’s not set in stone, nor can it truly be labeled as a one single feeling or symptom.

Sitting just below the surface of the water, watching the sun glance off the rippling waves yet unable to breach the surface. No breathing in, no breathing out, just floating.Unable to move up or down.

Smiling so bright your cheeks feel frozen in place. Your mouth dry and your lips chapped. Fulfilling your duty to those around you, making everyone feel comfortable with an appropriate expression upon your face despite the turmoil inside.

Desperate to complete the mundane tasks of day to day life, yet unable to find even the smallest bit of motivation.Struggling to wash the dishes, get the mail, and make a meal.

Sleepless nights staring at the darkness surrounding you as the feelings of despair suffocate you. Unable to call out for help.

Looking for an ending to all that plagues you. Not strong enough to face another day like today, yet not ready to say goodbye.

Wishing for just one person to break into your nightmare and wake you up from this continuous ride on which you never asked to get on.

Finding that someone who won’t give up on you, pulling you out of your darkness time and time again. Pushing you to see the little things worth living for each and every day.

The sun is shining, My socks are matching, that person smiled at me, I had a good meal. Whatever little thing you can find in your day that makes you say, that was a good thing. There are positive moments worth exploring.

Re-learning to live for the little things in life that make it feel worth fighting for. Choosing to love yourself enough to fight for you and the life you deserve to live.

Becoming strong enough to help another soul stuck in the same darkness that you once, and still sometimes find yourself in. Sharing with another the secrets worth discovering in this crazy thing we call life.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes flashing, sometimes dim, sometimes the tunnel is filled with molten hot lava that never stops flowing, but that light is there. IT IS THERE.

Take a breath, look around, and pick one thing. ONE THING that is good. Keep looking, it’s there, just one thing. Once you find it, never let go. Hold on for dear life until you find a second thing that is good. Never stop looking, never stop holding on.  

Lethargy comes first.   Motivation is leeched by even the dust in the air.  Guilt closely follows lethargy as the days wander by in sepia tones and you are merely an observer,  not a participant.   You stumble through even the briefest of sentences.  Your thoughts are hard to capture they flit away like a restless butterfly on a brutally hot summer day.  Shame becomes a constant companion.  It is quick to whisper, "Lazy!", as housework goes undone or "If you would just try harder."  Desolation burrows under your skin and covers your ears so no voice is heard but your own private wailing.  Depression is a personal, private hell where you are all alone and no one can reach you. 

Depression,

your drained,

your blank,

a few pitiful sighs,

under breath,

careful so no one sees.

Careful so you can stare into an active mind,

and let your's sit and cry without crying.

Bundling yourself up away from the world,

not on purpose,

but for my own reasons.

Medicine doesn't really help,

there is no cure, really.

Not to be discovered.

Don't judge me,

you could be this way,

you asked,

I answered.