Sometimes in life we feel this yearning to do something we know we shouldn’t. We throw caution to the wind and against all better judgement, we leap forward into uncharted waters. Perhaps it may not be the wisest choice, maybe it will lead to pain or heartbreak, or perhaps it will simply teach us a gut-wrenching lesson that leaves us with stories to always remain untold. Whatever it is, the pull is so strong that we choose to ignore all other advice and rely solely on our hearts to guide us into questionable territory. For without the chance to explore this feeling we could be left with a lifelong regret of what it may have held. It may not be wise, it will not be easy, but sometimes, just maybe, it’s the only choice you have.

Sweating palms, shaking limbs, racing heart, and closing lungs. 

Frozen in this moment. Nowhere to go and the need to be everywhere.

Rapid breathing, mind spinning, bile rising, knees weakening. 

The world grows dark. Anxious for answers when there are none to be found. 

Growing anger, fading hope, falling tears, needing love.

All alone in a busy room. The desire for contact and the need to be alone. 

As a little girl I thought life was great, I had two houses to bounce to each different and cool. Each weekend I would visit, was full of surprise, lots of candy and junk food, and so much tv it hurt my eyes. As a young girl I was oblivious to the bad times around me, I saw only the perks of the court ordered visits.

The years blew past and the older I got, the more that I realized the food and candy would be all that I got. I would sit there in silence, candy in hand, watching old reruns as he slept in his chair. Snoring so loud the windows would rattle, I would stay up all night until no more I could handle.

One day after drop-off all buckled into the car, he pulled off at a gas station and pulled out a cooler. Grabbing a beer and a koozie too, he hopped back in the car and we pulled out of the station. Three beers in and another two days to go, I put down my little foot and said no further would I go.

Refusing to go anywhere with him driving, his friends they came over and piled in the driveway. They drank and they smoked as I sat in the trailer, curled up on the couch with my junk food and candy. Angry and lonely it all started to click, my dad was an alcoholic a habit he could not kick.

The next weekend rolled around, and I told my mother. I don't want to see him, or talk to him, or visit. I'm tired of the candy and junk food as bribes and I wanted a father who actually wanted to be by my side. 

Why do I write? I write to express.

I write to express my pain when I am too numb for words.

I write to express my fears when I am too scared to converse.

I write to express my anger when all I can see is fire.

I write to express my dreams for others I wish to inspire.

I write to express my happiness when there are too many words to express it.

I write to express my stress when it overwhelms my vision.

I write to express my love because with words I can cast a spell.

I write to express my destiny if only the future I could tell.

I write to express my memories as age steals them away.

I write to express my legacy so one day it will still be saved.

Why do I write? I write to express.

I write to express my pain when I am too numb for words.

I write to express my fears when I am too scared to converse.

I write to express my anger when all I can see is fire.

I write to express my dreams for others I wish to inspire. 

I write to express my happiness when there are too many words to express it.

I write to express my loneliness when there is no one around to listen.

I write to express my confusion when all roads seem to lead to nowhere.

I write to express my stress when it overwhelms my vision.

I write to express my love because with words I can cast a spell.

I write to express my destiny if only the future I could tell. 

I write to express my memories as age steals them away.

I write to express my legacy so one day it will still be saved.

Life is about pain. Not in the way one might imagine, but in a strangely lovely way. Each magnificent moment in life, stems from something painful. Each growth comes from a mistake.

 A life filled with perfection would be no life at all. For without doubts and fears you have nothing. To fear something means that you have something worth loosing that is so dearly important to you. To doubt, is to know that you have something worth achieving and that you are willing to fight for it.

 In being cautious we take away all that is life. Without opening ourselves to the possibility of loss, heartache, and failure we are preventing ourselves from succeeding. 

In order to live life to it's fullest extent we must be willing to open ourselves up to the possibility of pain. We have to trust, not that what we presume we want will come to us, but that the joys we seek will be worth the heart wrenching moments we may have to overcome to find them. In the end, this life we will....is nothing more than a beautiful disaster.

All alone she sits at the bar

 a cold drink in her hand.

She watches those around her through a smokey haze

and wonders why they are there.

All alone she lays on the couch

in an old dark trailer.

She mindlessly fills her body with junk food

and watches late night shows on tv.

All alone she sits in the kitchen

another frozen meal on the table.

She reads a book to keep herself occupied

as the minutes tick by until Monday. 

All alone she plays in the yard

with a flat basketball and a trashcan.

She counts the number of shots she makes

and wishes for someone to play with.

All alone she sits at the bar

a cold drink in her hand.

She watches those around her through a smokey haze 

and wonders why her father brought her.

All alone she lays on her bed

her mom hard at work in the kitchen.

She stares at the phone waiting for it to ring

and hopes he might finally call her.

All alone she celebrates her birthday

surrounded by a room full of people.

She blows out her 8 candles and makes a wish

and hopes for her dad to stop drinking.

All alone many years blown by

her mom walks her down the aisle.

She wipes a few tears, and kisses her goodbye

wishing once more her dad had changed.

All alone He sits at the bar

a cold drink in his hand.

He watches those around him through a smokey haze

and wishes for someone to help him. 

Depression is a loaded word. Like a thief in the night it slips in, often undetected by an outside eye but felt deeply by those affected. It can be described by a myriad of emotions which all come to play in turn. It’s not set in stone, nor can it truly be labeled as a one single feeling or symptom.

Sitting just below the surface of the water, watching the sun glance off the rippling waves yet unable to breach the surface. No breathing in, no breathing out, just floating.Unable to move up or down.

Smiling so bright your cheeks feel frozen in place. Your mouth dry and your lips chapped. Fulfilling your duty to those around you, making everyone feel comfortable with an appropriate expression upon your face despite the turmoil inside.

Desperate to complete the mundane tasks of day to day life, yet unable to find even the smallest bit of motivation.Struggling to wash the dishes, get the mail, and make a meal.

Sleepless nights staring at the darkness surrounding you as the feelings of despair suffocate you. Unable to call out for help.

Looking for an ending to all that plagues you. Not strong enough to face another day like today, yet not ready to say goodbye.

Wishing for just one person to break into your nightmare and wake you up from this continuous ride on which you never asked to get on.

Finding that someone who won’t give up on you, pulling you out of your darkness time and time again. Pushing you to see the little things worth living for each and every day.

The sun is shining, My socks are matching, that person smiled at me, I had a good meal. Whatever little thing you can find in your day that makes you say, that was a good thing. There are positive moments worth exploring.

Re-learning to live for the little things in life that make it feel worth fighting for. Choosing to love yourself enough to fight for you and the life you deserve to live.

Becoming strong enough to help another soul stuck in the same darkness that you once, and still sometimes find yourself in. Sharing with another the secrets worth discovering in this crazy thing we call life.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes flashing, sometimes dim, sometimes the tunnel is filled with molten hot lava that never stops flowing, but that light is there. IT IS THERE.

Take a breath, look around, and pick one thing. ONE THING that is good. Keep looking, it’s there, just one thing. Once you find it, never let go. Hold on for dear life until you find a second thing that is good. Never stop looking, never stop holding on.  

He was my security blanket. Always there when I needed him. Some people smoke, other people drink, but my go to was a man.

From grade school friends to high-school boyfriend and quickly back to friends again, we traveled the whole spectrum of a boy girl relationship. He was my weakness.

As we passed into adulthood, fate brought another girl into his life.Our relationship remained unchanged for awhile,until one day it all came crashing down. They were expecting a baby.

Now that there was a child coming into the mix, I could no longer let myself continue to call on him when life threw lemons into my path. It was time to move on.

Although my decision had been made, it didn't fully sink in till I met his daughter. That night as I drove home from the hospital with tears pouring down my face I cried for the loss of a friend, a lover, a security blanket, and much more. I cried for things I couldn't even put into words. The grief that overtook me was shocking and scary but it was the push I needed to let go.

Meeting that beautiful baby girl was the start of a whole new life for me. Although we remain friends, I no longer call on him for everything. In a way, he was my cigarettes and my whiskey. Smokey and strong and always there to chase away the blues.