I've heard it again and again,

You're beautiful, don't you see?

I've walked barefoot through hell,

Jumped hot coals, pushed back freezing water

And it wasn't until my body reflected my heart ,

That I truly say my beauty,

And truly believed in it.

In the end I've learned / found four things that have led me to learning how to love myself.

Learn, accept, grow, and love

Learn - I avoided learning from things the way I should've most of my life. It wasn't until later down the line, when the pain I'd seen, and the scars it caused had added up. I think that's just what learning took for me. It wasn't until I had all the lessons in front of me I'd missed, that I finally figured it out. Our pain, our darkness, and our demons in life are for nothing if we don't learn from each experience that presented them to us. If I hadn't learned why I'm so damaged, I'd never had learned to accept how to live with it, and not let it define me.

Accept - It's been a hard life, but as I mature, I see the sense in it all. I'm able to find something, anything inside of all the insanity in myself, and my world. even the worst of it gives me the ability to not only understand why it happened (as it has shaped me into who I am today, which is someone I am fond of for the first time in my life) but to also accept the things that came with it because of what came from it. Acceptance is so important in life. It makes us see the world half full. With it in my world, I've finally began to love myself for the first time in my life. It's shown me how important it is that we build and grow in situations, and how to do so as well.

Grow - We all are handed cards in life that aren't easy. Some of us are even handed ones that hold coldness, and cruelty that we never should have had to handle in the first place. But it's up to us what we take from a situation. And it's taken me a long time to see, that the most important thing, if not the only important thing in any situation is if we grow from it. I've learned as an adult that even in the worst of my life, it's been worth it. Because (even if it took 10 years to finally hit me) I have grown from those horrible things that I've been through and seen. It's made me grow to see the beauty inside of it all. It's easy to when you gain even something small from something so completely terrible. I really respect myself for that. It's a lot of what's helped lead / is leading me to love myself.

Love - There is no other emotion in the world we should waste time feeling for ourselves, or our past, or what we have been through. Because bottom line is even the worst thing that has ever happened to us, has been a piece of what's made us the person we are today. It's more than just that, it's about loving what built our strength. What built our awareness. What built our honor. Our morals. Our Beliefs. Our truth. And our past, and present plays a role in so much of that. I could hate so much of the things I've been through. Or the scars I'm riddled with that I've carved into my skin because of those things. But instead I see the beauty in each and every one of them. Because they made me stronger, smarter, and in the long run they made me who I am. And the scars? Well they're my battle wounds. Just my little reminders of what I've survived. And I'm beautiful because of it. So are you wether you wear your scars on the inside or outside.

Just remember to learn from each thing you go through, accept the things that you cannot change, grow from every situation you find yourself in, and love yourself for every single inch of who you are through it all.

----

Hey me,

if you are waking up and reading this

wondering who wrote all over your body

with crayola markers and tattoo pens.

I wrote hearts on your skin last night.

I know that you are waking up, have to work, have to go, have to do something now

and are wondering "What. The. Fuck?"

I know that you don't have time.

I know that you are having a nervous breakdown.

But before you scrub away all those tiny hearts.

I want to tell you about a few of them....

There is one on the sol of your left foot.

No, not other people's left. Your left.

Its there, circling the faded strawberry that was once a prominent birthmark on your foot.

I started there first, thinking on how marvelous and funny was life.

You know if we were any other baby we would have died, right?

But we fought and we fought. enough to be recognized and cut out.

That's why their is a similar one on the place that once was a man holding a shield and spear on the same side on your shoulder.

There is another one on your belly.

On the bottom part of the belly, right where it folds out.

I want you to remember how others were shaming their figure and you,

you my main girl,

you pinched your belly and proudly introduced everyone to your "pooch"

which is stubborn baby fat that will never go away.

There is one around your right eye.

Don't panic, its crayola. It can wash away.

I placed it there to remind you of all the far-sights that you caught of buses and other things. Of how you now only wink your left eye successfully because of it.

There are three around your heart.

I will not name them by name, don't worry.

we can't have you drowning in embarrassment and shame first thing.

But I will name their significance.

Pure puppy love

First deep love

First freeing love.

Even if you believe you will never find true love, you had many fairy-tale versions that people write about.

There is one around your throat,

no. Don't laugh.

It the lock that you keep tight on yourself.

But I want you to be proud of the fact that you never ripped a person apart with sickly sweet words, like you know you could. 

There are ones in the palm of your hand.

They have given and taken many things.

They have held and broken many things.

But they have greeted four new souls in this world. 

Four that are dear to you, and you to them.

They have created works that made people think, people cry, even made people scared.

They wouldn't have touched these emotions if it wasn't for you.

There is a badly drawn one on your back (I wrote it with our left hand)

You have supported many people, and they have supported you.

And there is one, final inverted heart.

Its underneath your breast which you will have to lift up to see. (I did the most detailed work on it.)

Its your sorrow, your self-loathing, your deep seated rage.

But that tiny thing is special.

As I have realized most things that its worried about, are for other people that you care about.

Even if it wants you to do something so selfish. The intentions are that of a selfless saint.

Its why I drew hearts on you last night.

I want you to take a deep breath, and look at the mirage of other hearts that are splattered on your beings.

I want to have this conversation with you again. Except with more locations and times, except with more meaning powerful enough to come through sorrow-induced slumber.

I want one day for this letter to be so large and so long.

That its a book.

So, yeah I drew hearts on you last night.

Because even though I was crying, deeply wondering why do I even live...

I remembered that I needed to say "I love you" to you today.

And since I'm shit at writing when I'm tired.

I wrote hearts on your skin last night.

I loved 1/5th of myself once,

I let people say mean things.

And I hurt my friend for not loving me more.

I loved 2/5th of myself once,

and I talked more, sometimes making mean jokes.

And I clung to people, so they wouldnt leave me

I loved 3/5th of myself once,

And I listened but only the things I wanted to hear,

And I pretended not to care, and smiled all the time.

I loved 4/5th of myself once,

And I spoke up about it, when people were being stupid.

And it became clear to me, it was no longer about them.

I love 1 whole now,

and I let go of the people,

and learned to share the love with others,

to help them be whole.

Pillars

In the

Sea

Like

Man

was Meant

To Be

To Hold

His Own

Against

Froth

&

Foam

&

Never

Admit

Defeat

‪#‎B27321‬

Love burst its seams as she saw her reflection

mirror spoke no lies, of that she was sure

the beauty she saw was not seen by others

for she was perceived as haughty and vain

the power she felt flowed over the brim

flooding her from sight of all except her

she couldn’t see she was destructive to all

primping and preening to gain their approval

wanting attention with her inane standards

feeling no remorse as she tromped on others

no empathy felt when her unkind words

caused pain to those she happened to confront

through own looking glass she only saw glamor

reflection was marred and cracks were spreading.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

can I delude myself to fall

in love with the wretch that I see,

who's sickened gaze stares back at me?

Scale, scale, on the floor,

can I avoid you one day more?

I'm still afraid that you'll display

the truth I hide from every day.

Can I just twist my mind around

until I feel safe and sound?

Adjusting beauty to fit me

by ignoring reality?

Or do I take a chance and try

to change myself in my own eye

until I'm who I want to be?

Can it be done? I guess we'll see.

Iron, iron, in my hand,

will pumping you make my arms grand?

Treadmill, treadmill, in the gym,

will running on you make me slim?

Diet, diet, no more shit,

will eating healthy make me fit?

Scale, scale, on the floor,

Show me what my work's been for.

Mirror, mirror, on the shelf,

Are you for real? Is that myself?

I don't look perfect, that's ok;

I like the way I look today.

In my darkness, all alone, I will find the power, to love myself. No man in sight. But it's alright.

Let us begin. Power found. Pillows pillows to help muffle the sound. I know how to feel good, if only for a little while.

Pulsating sensations help to release some negativity. Release a shit-eating grin. And release again. Realizing I have power, and I always will.

I am who I am.

I laugh, cry, smile, breathe.

I am me.

I have talents. I have failures.

I reflect.

I love who I am.

Some people hate me,

others love me.

I love me,

I lived with myself al my life.

Who are you to question me?I love me.

In the darkest part of the night

Or basking in dawn's faintest hue

Whenever I find myself all alone....

There is something I like to do.

It's a thing we never speak of,

Though a past time we all enjoy

No restrictions, everyone is able -

Young or old, girl or boy.

In church I learned it was bad,

Indulging this immorality.

How is it wrong when it feels so right?

When I please myself so fantastically?

No one knows my body like me

No one could love me better

I know the secret buttons to push

I know how to get myself wetter.

When I don't want to shave my legs

When I haven't put on make up

I never have to wine and dine myself

I never have to worry about a break up

Be careful you aren't discovered

In such a compromising position

They've killed the moment & your mood

With their untimely imposition.

Totally normal, no need for shame.

The human body is grand.

Self love is a fantastic tribute

Go on, give yourself a hand!