Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner...

As I lay here next to you

2 AM crying myself to sleep

You don't move

do you even hear me weep

I try hard to be the best

It goes unnoticed

Feeling unloved

unappreciated

Sick as it sounds

I'm used to it

So why do I still cry

I yearn so desperately

to be put on a pedestal

Appreciated for my strengths and soul

I crave the beauty of being loved for my passion and creativity

everything that makes me whole

I have jumped into the ocean of hope and 3rd chances

only to have you hold

my head under water

Finally I come up for air

Dazed but no longer confused

I contemplate

should I have stopped the pattern sooner before it was to late

I should have

But I didn't

can't go back

So this is where we are at

There you go

here I stay

Without a partner....

Im better off this way

Being alone

Isn't that what we all fear, deep down

that though we may live 80, 90 years

we may never find someone?

Or, would we settle too soon,

only to end up confined to an unhappy relationship

with someone we don't love, and probably never did?

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner

A soul-mate, or whatever

And that I probably never will deserve one

But I find comfort in the fact that

at least I'm not trapped.

For a small

moment

I am forsaken.

I fill the emptiness

like I fill the

dishwasher.

Then I forget

to switch it

on and let

the moment

wash away.

I'm marooned 

In a crowded room

Alone

On the other end of the telephone

Mute at the microphone

In a garden overgrown

Unknowing and unknown

At the throne 

Of a sad abyss 

I think I missed 

The warm touch

The cool kiss 

The beauty and bliss

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner

It's a cold insipid path without love to garner

Sometimes I feel I don't have a partner,

No one to talk to,

No one to laugh with,

No one to trust.

Sometimes I feel lost,

No one to annoy,

No one to scare,

No one to cry with.

Sometimes I feel abandoned,

All those I love having left,

All those I love gone

All but you.

When you are raised to believe in a God you are allowed the opportunity to someday deny its existence; given first the chance to experience a world in which you were never alone.

God is a crutch worth having when we first arrive to this planet, with such uncertainly and weakness. Children can truly be children--when they have a God. You learn to set aside unnecessary worry and give it to God; grow into teen years knowing all behavior is done with your maker watching, guiding and loving you.

Those teens then grow into adults and can properly critique the notion, with having first known a life with a Guide.

When you give a child a God, you give a child a chance to never be alone, to always have a partner. Like a child that loses a parent, you always have someone watching over you.

To deny a child the chance to believe in a God is something I am guilty of. I raised my first son, now a young man, believing the idea of God was preposterous, for the ignorant and uneducated, the brainwashed and the weak.

I was simply too smart to tell him I didn't know.

I was too ashamed to tell him I fell for the lies of the church I grew up in.

I was too educated to admit that no one really knows the truth of the matter.

I was too afraid to let his beliefs become organic to him;

and too uncertain to let them do the same for me.

Today, My Partner is God.

Some days that God is my mother, others it's Jesus, some days it's aliens and

others—simply atoms of energy. But it's real, it's mine, and for those reasons, and many more, I always have a Partner, I am never alone and no thought I ever have is private.

When I listen—it speaks to me, guides me with the words others speak, through the articles I read, and even random comments on the television. When I listen, I see. When I believe, I hear messages of guidance.

Give your child a God; let them see how it works. Let them decide if they'd rather not participate in having an indefinite Partner in life.

Shakespeare's 'blessedness

Of being little'

Wraps me gently

In his arms.

His subtle touch

My heart fulfills-

Like Wordsworth's ease

With daffodils.

Yet, like poor Keats

I sometimes fear,

That I may cease to be,

For in days of solitude

I seek only me.

Although his love

Does offer seas,

And endless stars to see

When I have failed

To love myself,

Is it true love I see?

I deeply fear

It cannot be,

No partner-

For unloved me.

There is a destiny in the way you smile,

in your panther-hungry eyes,

but it is not mine.

There is a future in your restless voice,

waiting to flower and bloom,

but it is not mine.

There is a love in your ever beating heart,

like the fury of a hummingbird's wings,

but it is not mine.

We are not to be entwined, 

an oak and a linden.

Because you are not mine.

(No matter how I wish you were)

We were sitting in the car, waiting for the bank to open and witness the heist. We had been tipped off at 5 AM and we begrudgingly made our way to the cruiser.

I look at you from the corner of my eye. I see you eating your donut, how cliché! I was always one for healthier food, regular diets, exercise… How I ended up with you as my partner is beyond me. I must have really made an impression at the Police Academy – the antisocial, not-funny and not-care-about-your-jokes type. And then you, always smiling, always there to crack a joke to relieve the tension.

- Hey, did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? (pause) He won the "no-bell" prize!

I never said your jokes are funny. Though I still smile out of the corner of my mouth.

But there is motion outside and we get into cop-mode. There is the agreed sign and we need to go out and circle the bank. We do as we are told, but the plan does not go as agreed. It rarely does. One of the bank robbers comes out carrying a hostage. I want to lunge forward in what seems like a reckless act. You catch my eye. You mutter “I have your back” and we go for it. It might be remembered as an act of heroism and we are lucky to come out of it alive.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner, but a clown by my side. But other times… I don’t know what I would do without you.