I've never been able to roll my R's;

My tongue doesn't always work well.

I've never been one to twiddle my thumbs;

I'm too antsy to ever sit still.

I've never ridden in a hot air balloon.

I've never had a tattoo on my face.

I've never been able to read a map.

I've never won first prize in a race.

I've never been convicted of a crime.

I've never made a perfect pie crust.

I've never had trouble landing a man;

I've never found a man worthy of trust.

I've never loved a man who didn't hurt;

With hateful words or heavy hands.

I never learned to put myself first.

I never learned to voice my demands.

I never thought I was good enough;

I have never had high self esteem.

I've never been proud the girl in the mirror.

I never fully believed in my dreams.

I never got married for the right reasons.

I've never quite figured out motherhood.

I've never dealt with the anger inside;

I've never felt more misunderstood.

I've never encountered a drug I don't like.

I've never thought I'd have these regrets.

I've never had willpower needed to change.

I've never believed in forgive and forget.

I wave goodbye

standing at the top of a building,

vultures gliding waiting for my morsels.

I skip ropes of my ambivalence,

rip off your crimson bandage of hatred,

throw it to the soaring currents.

I look down to see the damp rocks

in the onyx river of concrete,

pore over my life of closed zippers.

I take a running leap -

the toes of my shoes catch

on the edge of all I have lost.

Flashlight gripped tightly in my hand

spotlights the hopeless leap

of no tomorrow.

The elevator of my existence

wings downward in a spiral

as a little semblance of me

floats above rubbernecking

in abject fascination of

cutting edge flight of no return.

Inundated by contradictions

I can’t turn back from intimacy

of cancelling my reality.

I do it for you, I say!

I have never taken flight atop a dragon

I've never sipped sweet wine from a flagon

Never have I had a chance

to let myself loose and dance 

with a knight holding a magic lance.

I haven't ever met with a fairy

And even if it might be kinda scary

I wouldn't mind, even if he's hairy

Having tea with an ogre named Larry.

Someday I'd like to sit down with a gnome

Just to discuss what it's like at home

And if a centaur happened my way

I would definitely invite him to stay.

I've never invited Bastet for lunch

But I really do have a serious hunch

That she'd do her best not to miss

So long as I invited the god, Anubis.

Something else I haven't managed to do

Pinning him down is pretty hard it's true

I think it would be really out of sight

If Superman swept me up and took flight.

I'd love before this life is over

To take a day to swim on over

To that undersea city they miss

The evasive magnificent city Atlantis.

So many things I still have left to do

What sort of things are there left for you?

In high school I always tried out…

I loved basketball..but never made the team..

I held a hockey stick…but couldn't make the grade..

I had a tennis racket..but my garage wall was my partner…

I served a mean volleyball..but only in the air

I've never experienced being a cheerleader or attempted a split..

I never experienced being in the ‘cool group’..

Or partied with the football team..

In summers I couldn't go to the shore with my friends..it was always as a couple..

I've always been a great swimmer, but I could never ‘water ski’..all legs tangled in leads…

In the winter I tried to ski..but sitting on my butt was easier sliding down..

I've never parachuted out of a plane..I'd probably puke in the air

So many things in the world “I wish I could” but never have..so trying things is the best I'm going to be..

Confronted with its state of disarray over the period of the past few months, my sleep broke off yet again, leaving me alone with my thoughts in the middle of the night. Like always, it had been dreamless. The flickering streetlight illuminated the swaying slit on the drab, cream-coloured walls as the curtains danced lifelessly; the monotone clicking of the wall clock providing them rhythm. 

Aphantasia. That's what I suffered from. 

It occurred to me that I had never considered the absence of my "mind's eye" to be a kind of suffering before, but the void in what was left of my heart had perhaps made me reconsider what I had confirmed to myself before. I want to see vivid images like everyone else when I close my eyes. I want to dream.

I sighed, preventing myself from wandering off into those deep, seldom trodden topics at the back of my mind lest I lose myself and end up making the void in my heart larger than it already was. 

I felt movement beside me. I turned. The sound of my sigh seemed to have woken him up. 

Can't sleep? I nodded. Why? It's restless. It's dreamless; worthless. Since when? It's always been like that. 

Now close your eyes. Close them and think of a wondrous world; a world where you rule, a world which coexists with this one in perfect harmony, constructively moving in coordination to give birth to a mellifluous melody by their confluence. 

And as I followed every step of his instructions, despite being unable to see the wonders my mind could have conjured, every word that fell on my ears left me with a beautiful idea. A smile played itself on my lips. 

And that, my beloved, is a dream. He paused, and I opened my eyes. Tell me what you saw. 

Before I could open my mouth to tell him, the wall-clock chimed thrice - its sound soft but clear, echoing in my ears as I emptily watched his fleeting image float away to oblivion. 

---