I wish you knew exactly what I meant
My words fail, my heart breaks
Rambling thoughts to fill a book
I can't muster a word
You look on, silent
The world, silent
My love, silent
So you silently turned away
Heels making delicate taps on the ground
Each step composing thousands of lines
Until I have an epic
An epic of tears on the pavement
And misunderstanding
And deafening silence
Early Sunsets Over Monroeville
I know you're probably not home
but I'm taking all of these high risks
optimistic, I guess,
hoping that one day--
just maybe,
you'll come back to me.
I told you those three words
the other day, outta that office job
we've spent months at, hoping that's
cubicles would close up on us;
ice cream breaks on Wednesday afternoons
sun setting ever-so-slowly
bubblegum flavors, intermingled through wet, meaningless
kisses.
Maybe you didn't understand.
©SelfTitled, 2017
Meanings of Light
I have so much to say to you, but I know the meaning of the words, the intent, may be difficult to process. I want to show you how I view the world, painting the sky in hues of pain and the clouds in streaks of despair. I want you to see the hordes of strangers ever in my head and feel the searing silence they bring with every thought. But most of all, I want you to know that when I tell you I love you the feeling comes from your reaching into a deep, dark pit and connecting with a Pandora's box of hope, the one, true sentiment that transcends the darkness and pulls me into the light. For that, I will continue to speak until you tell me you do, in fact, understand.
#challenge #meaning #darknessandlight
Step.
I want to hate you, but I can't. I never could, but not for lack of trying. You disapprove of my choices. You are ashamed of me and never cease to show it in your passive-aggressive manner.
"I don't care. I don't need to make you happy, I'm making me happy. If you don't think I'm good enough, that's your problem." They're just a lot of words that mean nothing. Lies.
What I really mean is that I desperately need your approval. Your love. Your affection. I just can't sacrifice my happiness for yours. Please understand. Love me anyway. Please.
I really wish you knew exactly what I meant, but couldn't say.
Nobody can hurt you like family.
I wish you knew exactly what I meant
I wish I could say these things
to you.
without cracking under the ice. without collapsing into
the cavern in my throat.
I wish I could
beg you to stay. with me.
I wish we were tied together. forever.
our lips sown together. our ribs
entwined. my fingers gripping your
spine. pulling you always
to me.
I wish I could
leave you.
before
you
leave
me.
I wish you knew exactly what I meant when I couldn't look you in the eyes and tell you I hate you.
I wish I could squeeze your hand and push everything I felt, everything I knew, and everything I didn't know to you and maybe you could start to see why I can't be around you.
I wish I could make you understand all the reasons I have to hate you, and all the reasons I can't.
I think I loved you once. I think I loved you and maybe I don't anymore but the residue of that connection is still there, so maybe you shredded me to pieces but I can't help but to smile when I see you, laugh at your jokes, listen to your music, obsess over your obsessions.
So I wish you knew exactly what I meant when forced myself to avoid eye contact and shoved myself away and I wish you knew exactly how badly I spiraled.
One day
I wish you knew exactly what I meant that one day. The day where we sat on our own in the middle of a quiet beach. We sat there for hours together. Didn't even go near the water.
You were so sweet. You had even brought a picnic for us. I remember you had cooked it all. You wanted it to be perfect, you said. It was perfect.
I never did understand what happened. I don't think you did either. But I know exactly where we both ended up. Alone.
Even now, months later, I think about that day. How the perfect summer day turned into a nightmare where I never speak to you again.
And you still don't understand. But you never will. Because what I had said matters to me. But apparently not to you.
mixed emotions
I wish you knew exactly what I meant.
When I told you I loved you.
When I brushed your hair.
When I gave you a ride home.
When I took you out to eat.
When I paid for your food.
When I cried with you.
When I helped you up.
When I was there for you.
When I pushed you away.
When I friend-zoned you.
When I got jealous.
When I saw you with someone else.
When I betrayed you.
When I kissed you.
When I wanted you back.
When I replaced you.
When I stopped loving you.
