I wish you knew exactly what I meant
My words fail, my heart breaks
Rambling thoughts to fill a book
I can't muster a word
You look on, silent
The world, silent
My love, silent
So you silently turned away
Heels making delicate taps on the ground
Each step composing thousands of lines
Until I have an epic
An epic of tears on the pavement
And misunderstanding
And deafening silence
Meanings of Light
I have so much to say to you, but I know the meaning of the words, the intent, may be difficult to process. I want to show you how I view the world, painting the sky in hues of pain and the clouds in streaks of despair. I want you to see the hordes of strangers ever in my head and feel the searing silence they bring with every thought. But most of all, I want you to know that when I tell you I love you the feeling comes from your reaching into a deep, dark pit and connecting with a Pandora's box of hope, the one, true sentiment that transcends the darkness and pulls me into the light. For that, I will continue to speak until you tell me you do, in fact, understand.
#challenge #meaning #darknessandlight
Early Sunsets Over Monroeville
I know you're probably not home
but I'm taking all of these high risks
optimistic, I guess,
hoping that one day--
just maybe,
you'll come back to me.
I told you those three words
the other day, outta that office job
we've spent months at, hoping that's
cubicles would close up on us;
ice cream breaks on Wednesday afternoons
sun setting ever-so-slowly
bubblegum flavors, intermingled through wet, meaningless
kisses.
Maybe you didn't understand.
©SelfTitled, 2017
Step.
I want to hate you, but I can't. I never could, but not for lack of trying. You disapprove of my choices. You are ashamed of me and never cease to show it in your passive-aggressive manner.
"I don't care. I don't need to make you happy, I'm making me happy. If you don't think I'm good enough, that's your problem." They're just a lot of words that mean nothing. Lies.
What I really mean is that I desperately need your approval. Your love. Your affection. I just can't sacrifice my happiness for yours. Please understand. Love me anyway. Please.
I really wish you knew exactly what I meant, but couldn't say.
Nobody can hurt you like family.
I wish you knew exactly what I meant
I wish I could say these things
to you.
without cracking under the ice. without collapsing into
the cavern in my throat.
I wish I could
beg you to stay. with me.
I wish we were tied together. forever.
our lips sown together. our ribs
entwined. my fingers gripping your
spine. pulling you always
to me.
I wish I could
leave you.
before
you
leave
me.
I wish you knew exactly what I meant when I couldn't look you in the eyes and tell you I hate you.
I wish I could squeeze your hand and push everything I felt, everything I knew, and everything I didn't know to you and maybe you could start to see why I can't be around you.
I wish I could make you understand all the reasons I have to hate you, and all the reasons I can't.
I think I loved you once. I think I loved you and maybe I don't anymore but the residue of that connection is still there, so maybe you shredded me to pieces but I can't help but to smile when I see you, laugh at your jokes, listen to your music, obsess over your obsessions.
So I wish you knew exactly what I meant when forced myself to avoid eye contact and shoved myself away and I wish you knew exactly how badly I spiraled.
One day
I wish you knew exactly what I meant that one day. The day where we sat on our own in the middle of a quiet beach. We sat there for hours together. Didn't even go near the water.
You were so sweet. You had even brought a picnic for us. I remember you had cooked it all. You wanted it to be perfect, you said. It was perfect.
I never did understand what happened. I don't think you did either. But I know exactly where we both ended up. Alone.
Even now, months later, I think about that day. How the perfect summer day turned into a nightmare where I never speak to you again.
And you still don't understand. But you never will. Because what I had said matters to me. But apparently not to you.
mixed emotions
I wish you knew exactly what I meant.
When I told you I loved you.
When I brushed your hair.
When I gave you a ride home.
When I took you out to eat.
When I paid for your food.
When I cried with you.
When I helped you up.
When I was there for you.
When I pushed you away.
When I friend-zoned you.
When I got jealous.
When I saw you with someone else.
When I betrayed you.
When I kissed you.
When I wanted you back.
When I replaced you.
When I stopped loving you.
Weakness Of The Sun
Somewhere dear
Always there's a song
When you're near when the skies are clear.
Sunshine across.
A bluebird sings in and out of drip, rain brings the mid-day blue.
However a song somewhere near our hearts, may hear. sun clings at the touch of a song of mine.
Continuous as the pensive mood and strength from the weakness drew.
Which is long overdue that follows the bird upon salt sea. We come so near together upon mantling face. breaks into a ringing. Standing by you so until I could hear no more through broken sleep. the glistening water drops remain.
Motherhood
I wish you knew exactly what I meant when I told you, as your wide questioning eyes stared out from under the covers, that of course I was not still angry with you, despite the fact that you shone a spotlight on my parenting skills in the middle of the supermarket. I wish you knew exactly what I meant when I explained to you that your Grandma had become a star in the sky, as you fondled her necklace upon my chest. I wish you knew just exactly what I meant when I whispered in your ear how much I love you, as you played on your tablet, sitting on my knee, with your damp shampood hair on my face. I wish you knew exactly what I meant when I told you that you will always be my baby, even when you're grown up with kids of your own. Yet you never know exactly what I mean. You may smile or laugh or totally ignore me as you're consumed by something on the TV but you know, very simply, that I love you, and that's enough.