I know I’m not supposed to dream for you, but still
it's a cruel melody when you play Christmas carols on the piano
as our children sit by your feet
and giggle
and sometimes dart forward to push down a pedal
only to scurry off and giggle some more
and you just sit there, shaking your head
a smile on your face
and you keep playing those goddamn
Christmas carols
with such technical precision
and I stay in the kitchen with
a plate of cooling gingerbread cookies in front of me
and try not to cry
because you could have been
so much more
than a living room performer for
an inattentive audience
your fingers were built to fly across
piano keys, not tying steel bars
for reinforcement
again and again
and it's a cruel melody
when you sit there, such a placid expression on your face
as you break my heart
again and again
with every beautiful note
Carillon
Resonance of smudged ink of moonlight
in darkness, the cruel melody plays on
repetitive promises ceasing their rhythm
yanked out of my skin to your drumbeat.
Lilting distortions smothered in fabrication
standing forlorn in striking dissonance of you
night pounds on spiked shoes on my heart
humming a discordant stream of sour notes
Echoes of trumpets stomping on my pain
stormed sorrows pounding on my core
mantras curling around swollen bruised feet
shrill whispers crossing my shadows swiftly
Chants repeating in the dead of the night
the doors slamming shut to hidden refrains
our unison together beating no more
carillon ceasing abruptly, frozen in time.
Dirt Path
It's a cruel melody
when you are trapped
by your mind
Stuck walking down
the same dirt path
all by your lonesome self
as people come and go,
but none ever stay
Unable to stray
from the path
leading you to
the unknown
But as the path continues,
as you grow old,
and tired,
and broken,
and your feet are now sore
from walking along
that old dirt path
And finally,
you wander to the side
of the path
and rest your aching body
on the soft, green grass
You feel free for the
first time,
when you leave that
old dirt pathway
But as you sit
and rest,
you begin to drift as
the green grass,
now a sparkling blue river
pulls you away
What a cruel melody
when you finally break free
of your mind,
only to fade away
forever.
STUCK ON REPEAT
Another sleepless night
Another wasted dream
Another flood of hope
All gone up in smoke
Another day of aches and pains
Another river made with tears
Another truth revealed a lie
Another crack in a broken heart
Another tear stained pillow
Another lonely night
Another scream to split the air
Another hopeless fight
The nightmare becomes reality
The only thing I know
As another life goes down the drain
Forgotten, lost, alone, afraid
When does it end?
This tribulation
When will it stop?
This relentless torment
Is it only me
Trapped in this place?
Are there others?
Do they see me here?
I see no one
The world is dark
I’m caught in the middle
Clothed in mist
& so it repeats
This cruel melody
The same every time
Always stuck on repeat
I can't go on
Singing this same song
I don't want to hear it
Anymore
But still it repeats
Every damned day!
This cruel melody
Of sadistic intent
Please, let me lie down
Let me breathe
And maybe, just maybe
I will stand another day
But if this can’t be
Then take me home
Let me be with you
Don’t leave me here to drown
©CJ
It’s a cruel melody when you see society changing
Society what is happening?
This is no place to be
It's all a blur people are dying
We're sitting here recording
The social media is killing me
The way people bash others
The way you take a picture instead of capturing the moment.
Your instinct is to instantly capture a moment during a fight.
What happens if someone dies in front of your eyes?
Then you become witness to a crime
Think about it anything can happen
Pick up the phone call 911
Don't record the fight
Help reduce deaths and crimes
Enjoy more vacations out doors
Use your phone to learn more
Not gossip more
Choose an app that helps you learn
Like brain pop and elevate
Challenge your brain
Become a better person then the one that records people's last breathe
Show some respect
It's a cruel melody when you say you love me
When you tell me how perfect I am to you
How you can't even start to describe how you feel about me
Cause words could never be enough
It's a cruel melody when you paint me pictures of love
When you say I'm the only one for you
The one you've been looking for
The one you'd marry in a heartbeat
It's cruel when you say you wanna spend the rest of your life with me
But then
You don't
Because I see you with other girls and it hurts
It hurts so freaking much
You have no idea
It tears me apart
Dance
It’s a cruel melody when you are doomed to die. I sing and dance for the entertainment of my tormentors. Their twisted faces leering at me as I twirl and dip, my suggestive skirts swirling around my bare thighs.
The music is drowned out by the banging of crude ale cups and weapon hilts. My step falters in fear, my eyes dart around the savage faces blurring as I spin down to crouch on the sticky table top.
My breath pants against the seer purple material covering my nose and mouth, sweat beads on my forehead and trails down my temples. My heart is hammering against my knee, my limbs shaking with the effort to stay still.
The men around me were quiet, the sound of them slurping their tasteless spirits and eating their burnt meats filling my ears. I squeezed my eyes shut and concentrated on my breathing. My eyes opened a moment later when a loud booming voice bid me to stand.
My knees shook with effort and I rose shakily to my feet, my hands by my sides, my head down as I waited for the verdict of my faith.
His voice boomed over me, causing me to flinch, the men laughed at my expense. I flushed angrily but wisely kept quiet, hiding the sight of my eyes from my tormentors.
I felt a hand on my ankle, I resisted the urge to kick it off me. The feel of the slippery wet skin sliding against me caused me to shudder, a sickness to rise up my throat. I viciously pushed it down and the hand retreated back to its owner.
A loud crash sounded in front of me, I jolted and my head jerked up to see the leader of them approaching me, his weapon held at his side. The blood stained blade captured my attention as he raised the sword above my head. I met his soulless eyes as the blade came down with a shrill whistle, or was that merely my scream?
Listen
It's a cruel melody when you hear
the purest of innocents being shredded
by a world that pulses seductively
with a dangerous and unstoppable song on repeat,
Lies are the lyrics,
Eyes are the singer,
Hearts play out the beat,
Fingers orchestrate it all,
the cruel melody of life...
To those pure in heart
this is the cruelest melody,
something they feel unable to accept,
To those already seduced
this is the meaning of life,
Lies, pleasure, pain, money,
Love is an almost lost commodity
It's accepted with wide eyes and huge smiles but
Inwardly the word is processed like poison,
Something unwanted as it brings weakness,
and weakness brings pain and destruction,
Oh this cruel melody continues, swirls, vivid yet dull,
Like a Nymphaea Red Flare
that blossoms in the twilight
with its multicolored forms,
Emitting a faint but pungent smell,
Something that cannot be ignored
yet something that is cloaked in the shadows....
How beautiful, yet tragic are
those of us who scramble to find its brief beauty for moments of pleasure
before returning to a world of pain.
Dancing to the Tune
It's a cruel melody when you have to sing again and again to convince your insurance company that you really are sick and need some help. It's even worse when you next have to dance to the tune so that they'll agree to cover a medication or a treatment. And then they make you wait until they've gotten all the proper authorization forms to let you undergo the procedure or take the pill. They hold your life in their hands, and they feel no remorse when they start to squeeze so hard it feels like it's turning to dust.
The only way to get past the problem is to sing louder, longer. To drown out their tinny melody with a full-throated song of your own. And bring a six-piece combo if you can get one. Better yet, an orchestra. Be the gnat that they can't swat away, and revel in their discomfort. Yes, it requires effort, but there is a certain satisfaction in realizing that you have the power to change your life for the better, if only you try.
3.3.17
I had a front row seat on the anxiety roller coaster this week.
Then Friday, March 3rd, it all stopped.
Including me.
It's hazy. But unforgettable.
I sit and stare. I don't know how long.
My world goes black.
Nothing.
And no one.
"Before I knew you, I loved you."
I read that somewhere. I lived it too.
I found out about you, February 1st, 2017. 2 days before my birthday. And I was over the moon.
I immediately started studying and list making. Typical. Everything was perfect. And everything was light.
I talked to you. I sang to you. I was shocked by how much love I had for you so soon! It was instant. I prayed for you constantly every day.
Something wasn't right though.
I begged and pleaded day and night with God- just for you.
I still talked to you. I still sang to you. I still loved you with an all-consuming, scream from the rooftops, dance in the rain kind of love. But it wasn't enough. Nothing would be.
You were never meant to meet this world, little love. You were never meant to meet me. Nor I you.
This kills me. My insides are dead and cold. You left. And so did the light you brought.
And some of mine too.
Most of mine.
Maybe even all of it.
I will never understand why I couldn't have you or hold you. I would give anything. I can promise you this- you would have known more love and care and protection than any precious soul ever… but every mom says that, I'm sure. And I suppose that promise is meaningless now. And it is crazy how empty I felt. I mean, you were there less than a month. Yet, everything crumbled the moment I got the phone call from the doctor with the blood test results.
I will never be the same. I planned for you, thought of you, talked about you. And loved you. In a way words couldn't even begin to describe. You were a part of me. My favorite part.
My world went black. My life became a big production of going through the motions.
I am lost.
I wonder what you would have looked like. Smelled like. Felt like. I wonder who you would have become. You would have been perfect. Absolutely and breathtakingly perfect and beautiful in every way.
You took more than half of my heart when you left. But whatever morsels of my heart remain-small as they may be- you're there. Smack dab in the center of them. Consuming every inch.
And there you will stay, until I take my last breath.
And maybe, just maybe, when that day comes, I will get to meet you. And see your absolutely breathtakingly beautiful, perfect face.
And that will be my favorite day.