He wanted to marry me. It said so. On the loose leaf paper he passed me in class. It was folded into a teeny tiny triangle. Well, I cannot lie, I passed it to him first and wrote the words out myself, “WHEN WE GROW UP WILL YOU MARRY ME?” With two little square boxes next to the sentence, one box had a NO next to it, the other box had a YES. He put an “X” in the YES box! And he wrote in big letters, “I PROMISE.” And before he passed it back, he folded it back into the teeny tiny triangle. I tried to fold it into a heart and that didn’t work out too well, so I thought a triangle would look nice too.

All the girls wanted to marry him. We all watched him on the playground. He knew how to do handstands and backflips and I did not know where a third grader would learn to do that. When he was upside down I looked at the other girls and their faces said the same way I felt and that’s how I knew they loved him too. None of us would dare say that out loud. At least I knew I couldn't. That is why I wrote the note. And he became mine and I wanted to tell the other girls to go watch another boy, but I didn't dare.

When I left school I put the note in my backpack. When I went to bed, I put the note on my pillow so I could remember that it was true that Johnny wanted to marry me, and when I woke up it was gone. Getting dressed, I felt sad, so I picked out sad clothes, a black skirt and a grey worn sweater. Mother always said I could wear the silver bracelet Uncle Walter gave me to school any time I wanted, but I didn’t feel like being shiny so I left it in my pink and white jewelry box. Maybe I only dreamt that Johnny wanted to marry me. Maybe the note was all made up in my imagination.

When I got downstairs to the kitchen, mother was standing in front of the sink looking at me some kind of funny, but I didn’t ask why. My stomach did not want corn flakes, but I sat down at the table anyway because that is what I did every day. Next to my cereal bowl was the note, open, not folded in a triangle. Something burned in my throat and I wondered why because I did not eat or drink. Mother was looking at me and I knew this without looking back. My eyes were down looking at my hands and I wished I had put on my shiney bracelet, because then I could have pulled on it making it go round and round. I said nothing when she began to speak, “Mary, you are too young to write love notes to boys.” When she said that my face began to burn too, not like sunburn, like the time I forgot to wear underwear to church.

“Look at me.” She said, and I didn’t. I could feel her coming closer to me and when she reached for the note, I did not try to stop her. Looking right at her, I watched as she ripped up the note into teeny tiny pieces and walked over to the trash can and threw it out. But didn’t she know she was too late? I asked Johnny and he answered. When we grow up, we are going to marry. “A promise is a promise.” That’s what Mother always said. And she also said she was a planner. Shouldn’t she have been happy that I was a planner too?

Dear Diary,

Thirteen years old is too young they all said, You dont know what love is, its not real, and my favriote, it wont last. Yet I know it will cause today he saw me. I know this sounds silly but he smiled and I knew that he loved me too. Mom and dad said that im a little kid and I am but not that little they also said that I dont know what love is. Stacy yells and says im gross but I dont listen. Matty dosnt think im gross or annoying so I wont change. Megan tells me that it never lasts but she just broke up with her boyfriend so shes sad. Then theres auntie. She belives me when I tell this stuff. She says that of course I know what love is and im not too young for these emtions. She loves me too and says im perfect. She tells me mom and dad fight too much so they dont know any more what true love is, She says Megan is just following in their footsteps and that stacey is just immature. She told me not to forget what real love is, this feeling I feel for matty and to always follow it. She says never to change and keep love a secreat because then it will not come out and eveantly you wont love anymore. That scares me but Matty and I will always love eachother.

As soon as I knew you were leaving I started pushing you away. Falling out of love was better than being separated from the one you felt was your true love. I know you did and believed the same, but we were fools to think that way. We all handle grief in our own way. You started ignoring me, and I lied and said you were no more than a substitute for my true love. I think through tears we both could see good things for one another on the horizon. And we both were afraid of holding the other back. I once saw written on a shirt from my trip to San Francisco that said “love is a lie, lover = liar”. We each lied to protect the other. We voluntarily took on the others burden of heartache. I suppose we both found true love after all. We would have traded anything to please the other. I miss you more than you’ll ever know my love, but you’ll never know because I mustered the strength to tell you one last lie that would keep you from ever thinking of me again. “Please never look back. All I want is your happiness. Don’t worry about me, I won’t miss you at all.”

Hey I’m back. Today was worse than usual. I swear he’s really really sweet. He bought me a promise ring that is super beautiful. We have been together all of seventh grade. And now we’re either graders together! We even have 2 classes together isn’t that great?!

Well I scored better on a test in science today and he slammed me against the lockers by my throat.. I’m okay but I don’t know how to explain the marks..

My friend stepped in before it got too bad this time.

If I hadn’t done better he would have been fine. I shouldn’t make him feel stupid. It’s my fault. So I apologized.

I love you BC

Only I didn’t really love you. I was obedient. And a sad depressed lonely middle schooler. You didn’t deserve 2 years. You deserve to be alone forever.