"I am hiding from some beast

But the beast was always here

Watching without eyes

Because the beast is just my fear

That I am just nothing

Now it's just what I've become "

- The Bravery, "Believe"

I've never had any ambitions in life. Ever. Most people have some type of dream, or passion, or thing that drives them forward. I don't. I keep moving forward because that happens to be the direction I'm facing.

I've had teachers praise me and tell me I'm such a good student. Didn't matter though - I never had any career ambitions. I've had customers compliment me on working so hard and offering to let my manager know. I don't bother passing their messages along - I just keep working.

Then there's the resentment I've faced, because despite not having any drive I've got enough stubborn work ethic and quick learning skills to tackle most challenges. This does not earn me any love with people who do want something, and struggle to earn it. When someone asked me once what I wanted to be when I grew up I just shrugged, and responded with "Cartoon writer?" because that was honestly the only fun thing I could think of at the time. They were not amused. "You're so smart - you could be a doctor. Or a lawyer. That's just a waste!"

Yes, it is. I've often wondered how my life might differ if I had dedicated my mule-like mentality towards something that at least made a difference, or helped people in some way. Definitely not any of they myriad sales/customer service jobs I've wasted my life on so far. But too late to start over now. I couldn't figure out where I wanted to go, so I've just drifted along.

My fear? That when I reach the end of my river all that wasted potential will finally catch up to me. I'll look back on a life squandered in apathy and suddenly realize what I wish I had done. I try everything I can - I'll do challenges, push myself to test new things. But in the end there's still no driving force behind the wheel. Just a hollow shell, shuffling along, working hard because it doesn't know how else to work.

But at least I've kept good company and a roof over my head. Thanks to that, I manage to sleep at night anyway.

Maybe next life, I'll figure it out.

I have a fear of Rejection. I care what others think about me and I take everything they say to heart. They can hurt me and treat me bad and I still feel like it's my fault.

I want to change this by having more confidence in myself. I want to not care what others think of me. I will proud of my accomplishments no matter what others think. It takes a change of mind set from me.

I know it's weird and kind of dumb, but I'm afraid of silence. I'm afraid of the silence that drives me mad, the silence that I need. Everytime silence falls, I fear. I fear, is there something there? What if I can't hear it? Why is it so quiet? It amplifies all the voices in my brain, when that's where I need silence the most. I wish I knew how to over come it, but I'm unsure.

How do escape what's everywhere? Overcome the inevitable? I need to break this fear so I can relax, be stronger, braver.

But, I don't know if that'll ever happen.

If I could conquer any fear I would want to be able to talk in front of people. If I can talk in front of people I think I can do almost everything I dream of. If I can speak in front of people I would say that they mean something. That they need to use their voices to say what they want to say and that they have voices to use. To talk in front of people would mean a lot so that they can change the world with just their words. I hope that I can change the world with just my words.

Tiny spiders that tend to show up and dip out as soon as you see them? Adorable. Nickel sized spiders that show up looking lost? Let them go on their way. Anything larger than that with big legs and can’t help but move in an alien manner? Somebody other than me kill it, because I can’t be in the same room with it.

And there in lies my “fear.” The bigger the arachnid, the easier I cower. I’d honestly just rather be afraid of them all, or not at all. The various levels of response actually kind of bother me. I would love to conquer this fear. Unfortunately, I’m not a huge fan of exposure thereapy, and I’m not intersted in taking drugs for it, so my solution is a fictional one. I will manifest a power to control spiders telephathically. It will run as a passive abililty until the day of my death, telling larger spiders to not be anywhere remotely near me. An arachnid restraining order, if you will. This ability can also pass on to my offspring.

Problem solved.

Is fear.

Creeping round our necks.

Strangling our hearts.

Staining our minds with unbridled, irrational angst.

Over something we can’t control.

Such as the existence of rats and such.

Fear is debilitating.

Crippling.

Immobilising.

Frozen in avoidance of that which we fear.

Live it anyway in spite of the fear.

Scared we aren’t good enough.

Strong enough.

Bright enough.

Somebody else enough to drown ourselves out.

Too constantly fear rejection is a reality I live in. I always have in my conscious mind that nobody likes me. Talking to anybody will only bring more pain. When leaving my apartment I have to make sure I am completely prepared for any upcoming situations

Overcoming this is very threatening and real.Victorys come one at a time. When needing to rent a Uhaul to move every scenario I could come up they won't have a truck they will reject my debit on and on. Finally I just got up and took my self to Uhaul. Big victory got my apartment moved and truck returned. That was worth celebrating. Each task I face daily starts I can't do it something it will go wrong somebody will intervene and destroy my efforts.

My skills in overcoming this fear are making me really good at courage. This is my vision for totally overcoming this fear one day I'll be free from this fear of rejection and won't even miss it. Fears can both make and break us.

I choose not to go into great description in trying to make it seem really frightening because I work at making it less frightening. Although I have been known to just walk out of public places before "somebody" gets me. When this happens looking around everybody is staring at me they all have noticed I'm not normal so I better get out before I'm exposed.

So what are your fears

A long time ago, I feared heights, but still decided to climb and conquer Mount Doom!

Even though my path was rickety, I was determined to climb to the top just as Sam Wise did carrying Frodo on his shoulder all the up the side of Mount Doom. However, I alone lugged a heavy backpack upon my shoulder.

Slowly and unsteady, I climbed one laborious step at a time up the side of that steep incline. I kept thinking one hand, one foot, one step at a time to the top just like Sam Wise. Finally, reaching the top looking down into the fiery pit of dizzyness, I braced myself reaching into my backpack I produced the magic giver of light, reaching up I bravely changed the ceiling fixture light bulb.

Shaking, I made my way down one step after another until the tips of my toes touched the carpet. Not relaxing until both feet were firmly on the rug, I signed a great relief.

I alone conquered Mount Doom! Now to muster up enough courage to overcome the dark cellar steps into the caves of Moria below.

JB Wocoski

https://shortstorypodcast.com