I was never really one to crush on someone or fall in love. My first crush came into existence from a single little lie. That lie was to cater to my friend's wishes of knowing who I liked as more than a friend. At that time, it was no one, and honestly, I'm not sure I ever thought about relationships before that moment. I was in seventh grade, and he was a boy I knew from church. Honestly, I had no feelings for him. So, seeing him never really changed how I felt. I never really got butterflies. I never really was excited to see him. But that changed as time went on. I began to see him in a different light because my little lie encouraged me to. Butterflies began to form, and I was excited to see him and nervous to be around him. But these feelings ended as soon as they came. I never truly got a chance of a relationship with him, yet I'm not disappointed in that. My first crush was the starting point of my interest in relationships and love, and for that alone, I'm thankful.

we were from two parts of the world that didn't meet. you were too good for me and i wasn't made for someone like you, or was it the other way around?

i don't know i didn't care.

some say that that love at first sight is a something out of a dream out of a fantasy. why don't i believe that?

rather it was like some sort of telepathic inate sense that we were one when we were together.

does that sound silly?

my love for you was riddled with questions, secrets and being misunderstood. when i could no longer hide that my cheeks blushed when i saw you or that my breathing faltered when you came near me my mother told me

your but a girl.

my age seemed world's away from me.

in my mind i was beyond the girlish figures and dreams i was deep with my own thoughts my own ideas my own beliefs.

when i faltered to steal a glance at you there was a whisper you're but a girl.

when you stood too long talking they whisked me away.

i was too young too fragile to understand and comprehend love.

maybe i was just a girl though.

older and wiser now i couldn't imagine allowing them pull me away from you.

maybe that was merely a test if they won they were right i was just a girl.

being older i wonder would i have walked away so easily now.

would i have allowed my unexperience to motivate me to give in because they were right and i was wrong?

i guess were all waiting for the jane austen written happily ever after story! i can't say that i have that.

it ends with more of a girl realizing she' but a girl and walking away without saying goodbye because despite accepting it in her mind, she couldn't tell him that she was just a girl.

I met him the summer between my junior and senior year of college. Friends of my parents had offered me a job in their small retail store which I accepted because I was longing for change. Summers before this I worked at a preschool camp, so not much opportunity to meet available members of the opposite sex. I was present for his interview, about a week after I started. We did not speak to each other but we locked eyes, I became breathless, and this may sound cliche but it was as if the atmosphere in the room had changed. My heart skipped a beat when my boss introduced me to my new coworker. The chemistry between us was obvious from the very beginning. He found excuses to talk to me throughout that first day. I found out that he was several years older than me and recently divorced. He asked me out by the end of that first day but although I wanted to accept immediately, his circumstances concerned me. My friends, family, and coworkers thought it was a bad idea. "Don't do it," they advised, "Why would a thirty something man date a woman who is barely in her 20s?" The naysayers told me repeatedly, "He's bad news. He'll only break your heart in the end." I, an avid reader of romance novels, especially ones where the bad boy falls for the young innocent and lives happily ever after, was only more intrigued and tempted. After a summer long flirtatious dance, we finally went out on a real date. The date exceeded my expectations. He presented me with a single red rose, we had a nice dinner, watched a movie at his place, and ended with a chaste kiss, that sent tingles throughout my body. I was falling hard. I went back to school, he took a more permanent job and moved to another state. Our communication was mainly through telephone calls and letters (this was the 1990s, before texting, video chat, and email). We anticipated a winter break reunion where he would come to visit. To me, that time was magical, but others did not see it that way. My mother said, "I think the whole thing stinks. He does not care about you the way you deserve to be." When I went back to school and he went home, things started to fall apart. I thought we were moving closer to love and a real committment and I expressed my feelings in a letter. Upon receiving it, he called me and complained, "You expect too much and assume too many things." We eventually came to a peace and anticipated me visiting him over my spring break. The magic and incredible chemistry continued on the first night of my visit. Then, the next morning, he became inexplicably cold and distant. That night, he asked me to take a walk on the beach. "We need to talk. I met someone else who I think is important to me. While being with you was wonderful, I felt like I was cheating on her. I will always be grateful to you. I was devastated by my divorced and your interest gave me the confidence to explore other possibilies." I put on a brave face, but my heart was breaking inside. He meant everything to me and all I was to him was a gateway to a transition. In the aftermath, I learned to be more careful with whom I gave my heart to. Eventually, I did find true love with a wonderful, loyal man but the experienced changed me for good.

I wish then that I would have realized how important he was to me. The boy that I couldn’t stand but yet could always make me smile. That boy that without my knowledge protected me and I only realized after he was gone. That boy that may have changed schools but his feelings for me were still strong. I remember when he asked me out and I smile thinking back. We were bowling he was with his friends and I was with mine but they didn’t stop us from sneaking peeks at each other and smiling. We were the cliche little fifth graders and couldn’t talk face to face without him making me blush. Our friend ran between us delivering messages.

“I like you.” He said.

“Tell him I like him too but make sure he doesn’t look at me.” I reply but sure enough he does with a wide smile on his face.

“Will you go out with me?” He asks.

“No.” I say. “But I do like you.” I reassure.

I think back now how my life would have been different if he stayed at my school. How things would be different if I had said yes.

Now he’s grown and matured into a handsome young man. The thought of him still makes me smile.

The little connection we still have is simply liking each other’s post on Instagram.

I’d love nothing more than be able to converse with him again so many years later but I never have the nerve.

I hate that I realized he was my first love too many years later.