This is for every person still recovering from their last date disaster, and I hope this will help you out or at least get a bit of a laugh.

There is one gentleman I will call "Cape Guy." We were at a LARP event, and I met him during a tournament. We got to talking and flirted a little bit. I hardly remember anything about him except that he had a really long black cape. I mean, Edgelord level of cape. I was just starting to relax and think maybe the cape wasn't so bad when he leaned over and smelled my hair. And I don't mean a flirty little wiff, I mean nose touching my hair SNNNIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFF! I spun back towards him, eyes huge, and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.

I once went out to a club with my friends and may have had one drink too many. I was dancing when this tall guy came behind me and started dancing with each other. He had good moves and wasn't grabbing onto me, so I let him. One thing lead to another, and we ended up making out at one of the booths. I followed him outside to see if we could get a cab when we passed under a street lamp. I looked at him, and he was staring at me in terror. It was my biology professor.

I went out on a date with one of the guys I had a huge crush. He brought his girlfriend from another school. Wait! He asked if it was okay that he already was dating someone else. HOLD ON! She was toally okay with it, too.

I prank called this guy I was seeing for two weeks, "I know your dirty secret!" He left me a voice message, "I'm so sorry! It was just one kiss. I know she's your best friend, but it just happened!"

I went to the library to meet this guy for a "study group," and he told me not to sit down because Shelby was coming. I didn't know Shelby. I still don't know Shelby.

I didn't know he had asked me out on a date. I had been working on a painting project and didn't bother to change.

"I dare you to kiss her!"

"EW! She's fat and gross!"

*Dies internally*

(We were, maybe, 8. Relax.)

"Hey, how's it going, handsome?"

"Fine, I guess. I just wish I would meet someone. All the girls who like me are maybe a 5 if they would lose weight."

(Yeah, him we hate.)

"Do you want to see my collection of pokemon hentai porn? I even wrote a fanfic about it."

"Sometimes I think about what it would be like to kill my entire family."

*Blocks him in every possible way*

*Texts me from one I forgot* "Wow. Rude."

He texted me from a facebook group, "Hey, I noticed your pictures of your cosplay. They were really good! Plus, I think you're pretty cute. Is it okay if I ask for your number?"

"Actually, I don't give out my number, though. We can be on Facebook, though."

"Ok, when do you get off work?"

"... how do you know I'm at work?"

"At 4:45 your time, you're usually at work. I assume, because the post location is different."

"Hey, you sound cute over the phone."

"Thanks, my wife thinks so, too."

"You have yourself a good day, sir!"

"You are the most beautiful and angelic human being to ever cross my news feed, and I just wanted to tell you that you are more lovely than all of the elf-women and fantastical tales of beautiful maidens. I would sacrifice my life it meant I could simply gaze on your face in real life. Would you send me a picture just for me?"

(I just realized a lot of these are from Facebook. I really need to get out more.)

I have been married to a great guy for over 20 years but before that, I kissed many “frogs” in my search for the elusive prince.

My dating experiences took place in the 1990s, so Googling someone was not an option. The local Jewish newspaper had a personal ad section which was where a lot of my dates came from.

1. The speed date before speed dating: I answer his personal ad and we agree to meet at a coffee shop inside a book store. We make small talk for less than 5 minutes, tells me, “I don’t think it’s going to work out” and leaves.

2. The semi stalker: Also a personal ad find. We meet for a first date, he seems nice, but I’m not sure if we click. He calls me for a second date, I agree, and on this date he starts planning the future. I tell him I want to go slowly and he still calls me every day. He shows up at my house with a dozen roses, I shut him down and tell him I just want to be friends. He still calls, even drops by randomly to visit my parents who see all of this as romantic and wonder why I’m not giving him more of a chance. They don’t see that what he’s doing is creepy and obsessive, not romantic.

3. “You pay the tip.” I was crushing on this guy who was a friend of a friend around the same time I met my now husband. Obviously, I enjoyed my husband’s company but still felt I needed closure on the other guy before committing. This other guy and I had this weird flirtation going on for a few months where he’d always say to me “We should go out sometime” and never call me. Finally, he called after a friend talked to his brother and his brother gave him a push. He proposed rather than picking me up, we meet for lunch at a Chinese restaurant nearby. The small talk was pleasant but not earth shattering and then the bill came. He looked at it and proposed, you guessed it, “You pay the tip.” That night I had dinner that my now husband cooked for me and he went all out with candlelight and lobster. When the other guy called months later, I was happy to tell him I had a serious boyfriend.

4. The road trip from Hell: The term “Friends With Benefits” did not exist in the 1990s but I realize now, that what it was. I was a naive 21 year old who had fallen hard for this worldly, experienced, 34 year old divorced man. The sexual chemistry between us was amazing and I, a reader of romance novels, thought of him as one of those heroes. I flew down to visit him on my spring break and our first night together was everything that I hoped. The next morning he was inexpelicably cold to me. It eventually came out that he had met somebody else and whatever was between us was over. To make matters worse, I made some comment about watching my weight and he told me that when I was wearing my bikini earlier that I looked like I had gained weight. My heart was broken.

I’m glad that all of this is behind me!

Throughout my earlier recovery I was very active in Narcotics Anonymous. I was in my mid- twenties when I found a higher power - my children at the time - and I had recently moved out of a halfway house, had an apartment of my own and worked at a treatment center as an admissions coordinator. The NA principles were very important to how I structured my life and how I allowed others to treat me, but when you are early in recovery - it seems a high percentage of us would rather defocus from our own issues and turn to sex and relationships. There was a lot of dating inside and outside the rooms and it didn’t always end well.

There was this super sexy older man that had moved from Cali to WV due to work and all the females were drooling over him nonstop. My brother passed away and I was at a vulnerable state when sharing in meetings and this man decided to go to my sponsor and best friend at the time and ask for permission to ask me out on a date. I had never spoken more than a couple words to him before so it was weird that he wouldn’t atleast come to me first. I was very hesitant at first but I trusted these two women with my life and decided to go for it.

It all began with an NA meeting we were supposed to meet at but he called me right before and said his truck wasn’t in the best shape and needed to ride with me. I picked him up at a mutual friend’s house and we went from there. After the meeting, he was supposed to take me out to dinner and a movie which ended in me renting the movies from Redbox with my own money, driving my own car, and he getting a $5 pizza.

Little did I know but he was leaving for CA the next day for a job and would be gone for a week or so. While we were eating and watching some cheesy horror movie, he told me this and we were having some awkward silent moments on my living room floor. I already knew I wasn’t going to have sex with him so when the movie was over I asked if I could take him home. He then told me he was actually staying in his boss’s home currently and it would be easier if he could just spend the night. I am a free spirit so this didn’t immediately alarm me - I just thought I am using my sponsor as an excuse not to let him in my pants. He was super sexy but what I had always felt was a sense of doom around him before and now I knew he was pretty much broke and probably lying about the CA job and a secret drug dealer. (I never confirmed this until many years later - but he was definitely using drugs at the time.)

We ended up in my bed, trying to sleep next to eachother, and ended up making out. It didn’t go further than that and awkward cuddling, then the next morning I took him to his truck. He immediately grabbed my hand in the car and didn’t let go of it until he got into his truck. I felt so weird because as I had slept next to him the night before I had a nightmare in which he would not leave me alone and had tried to shoot me.

Later that day I got a text from him, along with about 35 missed calls, until I had to block his number and his account on facebook. The text told me that I was going to have sex with him when he came back to town, I had no choice- sponsor or not. He had dropped a weird “I knew where you lived” when we had initially pulled up at my home the night before so this text alarmed me greatly with my previous dream. About a year later we ran into eachother at eating after the meeting and he apologized for how he acted and said he hoped we could be friends - I haven’t seen him since.

What is it with older guys?

I had been talking to another NA male online for a couple weeks - he was in his late 40s and I was 25 at the time. I had pink and purple hair, three lip piercings, an eyebrow and nose ring and my tattoos and he was a church going fellow. When we met up, we met at Wendy’s and ate then walked to the park. In the park he told me how weird it was for him to be on a date with me and he wasn’t sure if he could date a “punk” girl. I laughed it off, telling him he was judging me and to let it go, and we ended up departing shortly after - no kiss, nothing.

Later that week he messaged me on messenger that he had went to a sex shop and got me and him a gift. (He got himself a pocket pussy, Idk what he got for me).

This was disturbing and lols and you go ahead and keep it wasn’t getting anywhere - so I had to block this guy too. A couple weird AA meetings but that was all I experienced with him after that.

The year was 1989. I don't remember her name. I used to have a photo. A blond, she used to hang around two college buddies of mine who were amateur bodybuilders. She may have dated one or both, but I don't remember that either.

Somehow I overcame my usual shyness to ask her out on a date. Back then, we asked our agents to contact the other's agent via phone or in-person. Just kidding...no one had agents. Anyway, we agreed to go to a chain restaurant nearby the school. Unfortunately, I don't remember the name of the restaurant either, but I recall the servers wearing "flair."

She looked nice and seemed pleasant when I picked her up. We enjoyed a friendly conversation over iced tea (or maybe sodas). Everything progressed as a first date should. The waiter came and took our order. I'll have the vegetarian pasta, she said, with decisiveness and grace.

"I'll have the Monterrey Chicken with baked potato," I said when it was my turn. The waiter thanked us, snapped shut his order pad, and turned toward the kitchen. I looked back at my date as she moved at an equally fast pace toward the exit.

I ate my chicken and asked for a takeaway box for the pasta.

Perplexed, I told the story to one of the bodybuilders. "Ha, didn't we tell you? She's the local PETA chapter president!" I would have called to apologize...but I was chicken.

...life is too short to enjoy!

(by Sherzod)

A friend of mine asked me to go to the hospital with him. To be honest, I didn't like the offer. We had a seat with supporters today. We wanted to make a great dad. But it was not uncommon to say no. Because I was well aware of her marital status.

Yes, it was difficult for her: on the one hand, her sick mother ... on the other, her young children .... and her sick wife.

We went to visit his wife at the hospital.

There are many people around the hospital. Everybody came to visit him.

So, when we got to the door of the chamber, I was not allowed inside. I had to wait outside.

I am sitting in a hospital chair. There was a sad, sad old boy sitting next to me. I greeted him. He nodded his head. Got it.

As time went by. I have to have dinner. I was so angry with the acquaintance that dragged me here….

Is the father sitting next to me crying at all? I intend to comfort her:

"Father, what's up?" Why are you crying? I asked.

He was speechless. But then she wiped her tears and said slowly:

- I came to visit my son! I was in tears! Going ...

 Now the matter has become clearer. So there is a cemetery just across the road! I knew there was a maternity hospital, but now I saw that there was a cemetery!

Immediately an idea struck me:

“Repent! Maternity hospital on one side, cemetery on one side! Astaghfirullah! In the middle of me. There is no shortage of human life! Get out of the maternity ward and head straight to the cemetery! Life is really one short way! And we will not be able to endure even this short journey, and we will commit a great sin! Repent! Ya alhazar! .. ”

I didn't go to the banquet.

Sherzod Khaydarbekov