Depression (repost)
Slow
to leave
the darkness
the comfort
the oblivion
of sleep
I awaken
day
after
day
after
day
to a world
drained
of color
of joy
of energy
suffocating
on hues
of gray
I feel
heavy
lumbering
listless
my body
an unwanted
weight
the air
laden
with melancholy
despair
woe
my mind
mired
in the endless
soul-destroying
mind-numbing
why’s
of it all
the answers
to which
I do not
know.
house plant
it grows in you like fresh moss,
tangled and chaotic until you forget
where your own roots begin and its end.
its leafy vines steal your water, but they grow so
lush and vibrant that you don’t realize.
not completely. you feel your body losing its lifeline,
but suddenly you're too tired to do anything about it.
some people only see some a bunch of moss,
but others, the ones closest to you,
implore you to manage the overgrowth.
but by now your heart is overtaken by the
invasive species, its gnarled vines twisted around your bones.
an invisible master leaving you no choice but quiet submission.
day by day, you let the dark moss consume you.
you become a mere host,
your only purpose to water the plants
until one day,
you just can’t anymore.
Feeling everything, but nothing all at once
It hits you faster than your own creation
Now doubting your own creation
Am I swimming just to stay alive,
Or swimming in these waters to die?
Let screams free and they just echo back to me
Except I can’t recognize this helpless voice that,
Pleads my own sake, pleads my own name
Is it reaching for help
Or for...death?
My Demon Within
Depression is the deepest depths of the darkest places overtaking your soul. It is like a hug from someone holding knife; keeping you enveloped in a comfort bubble shielding you from reality, telling you that this is the only place that you could ever be loved, while they stab you from behind, never letting you forget your imperfections, always reminding you that no one could ever want you, no one could ever love you, and that no matter how hard you try, no one will ever accept you for who you truely are. Depression is like being in an abusive relationship, but with yourself. There are no physical scars or bruises, well sometimes there are, but most of the damage is on the inside. Depression is not knowing how to love yourself, not knowing how to be loved by someone else, not knowing how to love someone else. It is a demon taking residence in your body slowly crushing your heart, your soul, and your mind. Depression is social isolation into a dark room where friends and family are not allowed, where you can escape to an augmented reality of fiction so that you can spare yourself of a few hours of the painful reality that is your life. Depression is not knowing how to deal with emotions, it's breaking down and crying and becoming an emotional mess, letting go of years of pain in an hour sob session because in every other day, you don't allow yourself to feel or expel those emotions, causing them to build in pressure and number harboring them inside until it physically hurts to wake up in the morning. Depression is building a wall around yourself so that no one can ever get in, because fear that they will hurt you and break your heart, but at the same time knowing that no one could hurt you any worse than you have already hurt yourself. Depression is being convinced that you are broken, and that there is no possible way ever that you could ever be fixed. Depression is my demon that just won't leave.
it
it comes on slowly.
Like the way that sunset turns to dusk and suddenly the dark night is upon you.
it becomes your worst enemy.
Seeping into your thoughts, it rips you to pieces and feeds you lies that you slowly learn to believe.
it is relentless.
it presses into the recesses of your mind at the dead of night, only to wake you with its hoplessness in the morning.
it is jealous.
it takes the joy of people away from you and convinces you that their acts of love are signs of hatred.
it calls you friend.
And you start to believe it.
it twists its way into the pathways of your brain, tightly binding itself into your DNA.
Your thoughts are not yours. You are a slave to the numbing thoughts it bids. The yelling becomes a constant hum as you believe with everything you are that there is nothing good, nothing hopeful, nothing bright. There is nothing. You are nothing.
And so the only thing that makes sense is to send it away. Tell it to leave. it's destruction is over and there will be an end to its reign.
Only, you can't do that.
For it has become your only companion.
Your dearest friend.
it is in your DNA.
it is a part of you now.
And who you were is but a simple memory, slowly erased.
it is all that is left.