*dramatic sIgh*

Alright, it’s been a while. A long time, actually, since I’ve uploaded on Prose. I have a few followers for whatever reason; bet some of you guys are anxious; but I got Twitter. I’ve been on there. I won’t link it now however. Aaaaaaaand... this is a hard thing to say..

I’m a furry- sorry- please don’t think less of me-

edit: im past the nsfw

So please just uh- uh- dunno. I feel better now saying this.. message me about anything if you need/want.

Dear me,

I believe it is about time I apologized to you. I’ve done a few things to you over the years that just aren’t very forgivable and I know that no matter how forgiving of others you are, we both know that the hardest things to forgive are things done to you by you. I don’t ask for forgiveness though, only that you listen to me now. Although the path is slippery and I whisper quietly in our mind that we can’t make it, that others don’t love us and can never love us even when they say they do, that we don’t deserve anything good in life, it is a lie. You know it is, but the words are suffocating, and have a tight hold on us. I still believe in them more than I should, but one day we will grow beyond these words, and believe in ourselves more than these lies that whisper through our mind.

I know that you may see this as its own lie, as I continue to whisper the other negatives into our mind, clouding it with doubt and sadness, but a little part of you, a part still clinging to hope and the flickering light of happyness knows that things will get better, and that we deserve a good life. Sadness will cling to us for the rest of our life, sometimes choking us, sometimes only a shadow in the back of our mind. It lives with everyone, and we must learn how to live with it in a healthy way, like many others out there. We can not let it control us for the rest of our lives.

But for now, as you learn that some things, even when you believe it so, are lies, while others are the truth you need. At least accept this truth, as you struggle to accept the others, there is hope. Even if just a flicker of hope, there is hope that things will be alright. And it is our truth. Our truth that we will build together.

sincerely, me

Dear Me,

I hope when you read this you'll be a better person. I could have been a better soul for you. Sorry for causing you depression. I shut you out, I ran away, I left. I'm sorry for suggesting you end your life. I'll be brave for you.

Yours Sincerely,

Conscience.

Desperation is the taste of bittersweetness, dancing on your tongue, biting your senses and choking your lungs...

Desperation is the feeling of emptiness filling your soul, swallowing the light and eating you whole...

Desperation is the last thing you feel as the rope gets tighter and you swallow the pill..

A better place, for who? Abused children? Starving people? Families ravedged by addiction? Soldiers returning from war? A better world means many things to many different people.

How does one make this a better world? Challenge the status quo. Ask questions. Become politically incorrect. Speak up for the injustices. Hurt somebodies feelings?

Demand answers why do people starve when the rich and famous here in America hold public fundraisers on network television to aid hurricane or flood victims. Instead of just giving their away millions to aid devestated families. Famous people answering phones calls from the very people that made them famous to help people that have nothing.

If an athlete or media star makes a million dollars an hour and people are starving from lack of water is there really any way to make this a better world? There is no such thing as a better world until mankind learns that we are to make people more important than ourselves.

If you have it all give it all away then start working to get it all again. Why such selfishness? When perverts are allowed to watch children being molested for free on the internet with no tupe of policing protection. Surely somebody can find a way to police the internet. They have made billions in perfecting everything else. What is I phone now 8? Come on Mr who ever take that brain of yours you have proven yourself worthy now let's protect children from sick perverts that's pay to which children being tortured.

Ah the world a better place must be a dream. My effort is to do what ever little thing I can. Cheer someone up smile more give a compliment do a kind gesture on a whim for no reason. Help a poor family with groceries pay somebodies utility bill. Call the homeless shelter see who has kids that need a new bicycle, shoes, school clothes. I've got an idea. Give an under privileged child free music lessons.

It all happened like a joke. I just wanted to help, be a good student for the first time in my life and so I accepted to go to his office that day even with the warning bells ringing in my mind I still went. Till this day I wonder why I went there and as much as I hate to admit it I still blame myself for what happened after that.

When he called me I wasn’t really available but I decided to go anyway. I can tell you today that it was the biggest mistake of my life. It all started normally with nothing to be worried about but then he came to sit beside me, I felt a sudden jolt of fear but he used the disguise of teaching and I naively believed that that was all there was.

He started touching me, here and there, innocent touches it seemed. At this point though, I felt fear deep in my bones. I had never felt the deep gut wrenching fear before. I tried to leave but he wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t scream because at that moment when I was facing my worst fear all I could think about was the stigma it would leave if I had screamed.

I endured it all while screaming and hoping and praying for it to end. It was the single worst day of my life. The fear inhibited me in ways I didn’t even know. The fear made me go crazy. I wanted to be strong and unaffected, I put on a smile when all I felt was despair. I was a mess though, and I kept on telling myself I had no right to feel that way. I told myself that if I wasn’t penetrated then nothing happened but that didn’t stop the fear I felt. It didn’t stop the terror in my bones I felt anytime something vaguely reminded me of that night. I was so desperate to forget that I did anything and everything I . It made me so reckless. I would have done anything to be normal again, who am I kidding I did anything and everything. In my desperation I fell for the wrong guy but sometimes I thank God for him because if he wasn’t there to distract me when I needed it most I wouldn’t be past that and I wouldn’t be stronger.

Funny concept, isn’t it?

You would try, you would cry, you would die.

Just for them to love you.

Funny feeling, isn’t it?

Stomach flips, mind trips, heart rips.

Just so they could love you.

Funny hope, isn’t it?

Passing glances, silly dances, new romances.

Just so they might love you.

Funny crying, isn’t it?

Broken hearted, dearly departed, the pain won’t go away.

Just because they didn’t love you.

When my gaze returned to him, the warmth behind his eyes had grown vacant... cold even. I had brought up a subject that was clearly one he had never wanted to speak of again and one he never thought I would ever ask him about. But it was one that had plagued from the very moment the creature whispered it into my ear before exhaling her final breathe.

How was I to know? I was merely doing my job as a detective and she was just caught in a misfire— one that was totally my fault. A foolish one, if I might add. It was accident, one slightly excusable for rookie, but not for a seasoned vet like myself. Questioning a witness in a dingy alleyway in downtown Cursed Street with a variety of shady characters pretending to mind their own business, while smoking a cigarette by the goblin pub next door or selling their merchandise, and making sure that this elf wasn’t doing anything stupid like running her mouth off about something she shouldn‘t.

Regardless, she was a possible lead in finding the main secret warehouse of the hot new illegal drug called “Winter.” A drug that was found in the pocket of the frozen corpse of Mayor Willowthorne. It could give a magical the kind of high that made the user feel invincible and give them a temporary ability of freezing time. However, the drug could also be used as a poison—aging and freezing the user in a matter of a few agonizing hours.

But how was I to know that, in addition of knowing where the warehouse was, the elf was the one who sold the drug to my new partner’s late wife. It was completely irrelevant to the case. I was questioning her in the open, like a rookie, and someone from high above me, shot her. What would you do if you were me?

I pulled out my gun, trying to figure out where exactly the shot came from, and the elf cried out to me for help. Calling for an ambulance on the walkie-talkie microphone attached to my shoulder. I wasn’t surprised given my surroundings that I wouldn’t discover who the culprit was, but as I kneeled, not caring that my newly washed pants got stained with blood, I was surprised at what the elf chose to say as her final words before death. For not only did she sell the drug to my new partner’s late wife, but that she was well aware that it was specifically bought for the wife’s suicide two years ago.

Again how was I to know? I was just trying to further the bond between me and my new partner. It was his right to know. Once rookie, always a rookie. Stupid, stupid me... oh what a hazy shade of winter—

#fanatasy #mystery #thesurpriseswritingcanbring #hazyshadeofwinter #thebangles #toriesenseny