This time of year is always so bright and cheery, filled with lots of food, good friends, and happy memories. At least for most people. For me, it's different. Seeing so much food brings angst upon me, I worry about every little thing I'm going to eat and how it will affect me. Not only that, but with only half a family, there's always feeling that someone is missing, but it's ok cause I haven't known that other half too well. My dad decided he didn't want a family with us and that's fine, but I can't help but feel I'm missing out when my friends all talk about their holidays festivities. And though there are some good memories brought up I can't help but remember every single thing that's ever gone wrong in my life. The smiles on my family's faces make me smile but it isn't genuine I feel it's weight whenever I put it on. I have thoughts that they would just be much better off without me and that if I'm going to die, to get it over with. But I can't. Something is keeping me here. And it's awful. But it's only two weeks. Two weeks off from school, and then all these feelings will be back again next year...

My body is visibly shaking and begging me to do something to stop it. But I can't. My head is screaming at me and I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm trapped under water and can't quite reach the surface. I'm drowning. I want to scream but my lungs don't have any air for me to do so. I'm trying to communicate the terror I'm feeling as I start to look around for someone. But I'm alone. Alone with myself... And no one is here to help.

Not only does every day seem to drag on continuously, but the joy that I once had when I was younger is gone. I don't wake up with the intent of doing good for myself and the rest of the world. But find my thoughts clouded with how I will possibly make it through the next day without being a bother or feeling even more worthless. Every day when I put my pjs on and lay down, I hope that tomorrow will give me a reason to carry on or just something or someone to motivate me like I once was. But I guess I didn't realize that that "savior" I had been looking for was already so close to me. She gave me a reason to smile and made me laugh when I was in tears. It felt as though with her I could fly! She was the reason I was still here, no matter how cheesy that sounds- it's true. Without her I could be dead, or checked in to a hospital, or still drowning myself with all the things I'd ever done wrong. I truly loved her, more than she would ever know. More than she ever could, because she's dead. I was told that she had just gotten home from school and was feeling awful. Not even her parents knew all the details, but from what they understood she got home and fell asleep. With a bottle of pills in her hand- half empty. My best friend was gone and there was no way she was coming back. I didn't even see it coming. But then again who does? No one recognized my depression until she came along and pulled me up out of the hole I had dug myself. I thought since she was smiling and telling me jokes that everything was ok. How ironic, by saving me you could say she killed herself...

Never did she think she would get to this point. The point of her life where everything felt inescapable. Nothing was temporary anymore. Every word she spoke hung in the air. She felt like she could never do anything right and that without her, the world would have one less person to be bothered with. She begged for death. She didn't want this life anymore. Every second that went by seemed to take away one more little memory of happiness from her. And as time went on, it got worse. Waking up became impossible as it seemed her sheets were wrapping around her saying, "You know it's better, here, alone with your thoughts." But maybe that's why she found a reason to get up. Because being alone with her thoughts meant she had control over what could happen. She really could end it all. But that was only if she was alone... Alone with her thoughts which brought nothing. Nothing at all. That was the worse feeling anyone could ever have, the feeling of emptiness. And she knew this. She knew the feeling of emptiness very well. She could describe it to you perfectly. How it feels like your heart just isn't beating like everyone else's. And that maybe you weren't meant to be born. You were a mistake. She knew these things. They were lies. But having told herself these things so many times, she believed them to be true. They told her things would get better with time, and to "stay strong." But how could she stay strong when the reason she was falling down was herself?