the meaninglessness of daily life, the repeating cycles, the constant stream of information, it blinds us from what is meaningful. its a distraction, a sedation towards all those things we shove under the rug, the things we bottle up, the things we ignore, and look the other way for. we try not to be alone, not to let the thoughts stream in, but when we're alone in the dark, when we're left with nothing but ourselves and the moon, it all resurfaces. it floods and drowns, the things we try to ignore come back and have us in a chokehold. its all so overwhelming. can we really face those thoughts anymore? can we really look at them directly after shoving them aside everlong. can we ever return to some kind of normalcy, or is it all meaningless despite everything?

do the kids down the street ever grow?

does the flower we planted ever bloom?

will the seasons keep changing forever?

will my hair ever turn to grey?

will that banana stay ripe?

will my belongings ever decay?

will the pages on this book grow brittle?

will my flesh and bones stay young?

will my funeral flowers ever wilt?

sure, we might grow and develop through suffering, but the scars will remain. we are only so fragile. enough suffering can turn any happy-go-lucky human into a steaming pile of sadness, only desiring it's own end. we're so fleeting in our existence, and in the emotions we feel during our existence. most people seem to ignore it, but perhaps this itself is a protection mechanism. if we were to face the unbearable realities of our world I'm sure every one of us would become a steaming pile of sadness, but this is why we ignore it. this is why we push it down, shove it under the rug. maybe that makes us cowardly, or maybe that makes us selfish, or maybe that simply says we preserve ourselves before anyone else. i am not one to judge human nature, whether its good or bad, after all what do either of those mean? we made these concepts to make our lives as humans easier for each other. there was no 'good' or 'bad' before us, and there will be none after us.

ears that have grown weary

they start to ring

its all so loud

so incredibly loud

why won't the voices cease?

why do they grow louder?

why do they grow in number?

they leave me rattled

they leave me in pieces

if only you could be here

to pick up the shards

growing up, i was someone who had to suppress their feelings a lot for others' convenience. i was someone who had to dissociate away from reality to ignore what was really happening. i was someone who would do anything just to distract me from the fact that i exist, but I'm older now. I've experienced the world around me. I've felt every single human emotion that i would previously be hiding and scurrying away from. maybe this is why people enjoy existing. maybe this is why we keep going despite everything else in the world going to shit.

As silly as it sounds, i could get addicted to this. i want to drown in it. i want it to engulf me like a burning fire. I want it to consume me and completely submerge me. i want to love and hate, i want to freeze and burn. i want to lie in the swelter of the night, and bask in the warmth of day. i want to weave the threads of fate to my liking, and dance to its rhythm.

i want to taste the wine while the world burns.

music is so mystical to me, its a collection of sounds we define as good for some reason. lyrics that resonate with us, tunes that make us move our bodies rhythmically, its all so beautiful. even though we dont understand why it happens or how it works, i see a beauty about it thats just so.. human. as of writing this im listening to cavetown, an indie pop artist. even though i dont know what the artist is referring to when he says a lot of whats in his lyrics, i find myself giving the lyrics my own meaning, relating them to my own situation. i do not know if this is what the artist intended, but i think we all give such things our own meanings. after all, we're all the main characters of our own stories, so maybe thats how it ought to be. sometimes we don't even need to have lyrics we can relate to for us to enjoy music, it's almost as though we have a primal desire to dance to the rhythm of music and song. once again, i find this behaviour just so beautifully human.

''because you're a boy, and she's a girl''

words I've been consistently told growing up by my superiors, my peers, my siblings and my parents, as though it were a verbal tick they just couldn't get rid of. It never felt like an actual reason to why i couldn't do what i wanted to, it was as if it was a wall in the way of what i wanted, but i was an obedient child, so i accepted it, or at least convinced myself that i did. it wasn't until i was older that i actually begun to look into myself and try seeing myself for who i was instead of who my society and religion told me i should be, which itself was the precursor to me abandoning all of it. i had decided to cut ties to all of it, the homophobia, the racism and the transphobia associated with my culture, even if it meant losing every connection I'd ever made in my life. looking back it was the best decision i could've ever made. I went from being someone who's entire true 'self' was hidden from everyone but myself, to someone completely open about who they are. essentially going from living for others' sakes to living for my own sake. i still find myself forgetting that it is indeed my own life, and not what social constructs tell me it is. the roots of my childhood indoctrination have still not fully been removed, and realistically, they might never be, but at the very least I'll have recognized the harmful patterns which generational trauma has brought on me. anyways, rant over, thank you for reading.

i feel like i've made myself to be a very neutral person, and as a result of that all sorts of people confide in me for their problems .i don't particularly have a problem with people confiding in me, in fact i think its quite nice to know that my friends trust me enough to tell me about themselves on a deeper level, but i don't believe i'm being confided in as a friend at the moment. i am being confided in as a mere listener who's sole job is to agree with whoever i'm talking to. i think i originally made myself like this as a mechanism to get people to like me more, but now i've found myself in a position where i'm a mediator for people who cant be mature enough to have a conversation as adults with each other. i find this very petty and prideful of both of them. I think if only they talked to each other then all this would be resolved and i wouldn't have to be a mediator. the thing about being a mediator is that your opinion isn't usually what people want to hear. the mediator tells people what they want to hear, and that's why both sides of the dispute confide in whoever the mediator is. nobody wants to hear the mediator's thoughts and suggestions, they want to hear them echo back their opinion and agree with them to feel validation, to feel as though their opinion isn't just utter nonsense. that's why people confide in them. because she is the people pleaser, and they are the people using said people pleaser to make up for their own lack of sense of self. that's what i've concluded from this situation. maybe i should be someone who restricts themselves more so that i'm not used as a tool for people to validate themselves. though now that i think about it, the part of me that's so neutral to everything must have been made like this on purpose simply for the sake of being useful to others around me. maybe i wanted this, maybe i wanted to be a person who would want others to like for purposes as shallow as that. but as i change and grow as a person i realize that maybe simple validation for the sake of upping my own self esteem isn't worth changing myself over. i've rambled quite a bit now, so i think ill stop here.

words are so wild to me. we use them every day and at high speeds, very articulately. the average sentence today would be insanely complex to people just a few generations ago, language is ever evolving, and so are human speech patterns. this also begs the question, what were the earliest human speech patterns like? people must have gone their entire lives while language was simply just not there for them to be able to express themselves at even a basic level. it must've been a very slow transition for humans to go from languageless, unintelligent mammals to where we are today. and at some point, shit got so complex that early humans moved around to different areas and created new languages there, making the cycle start again. though the rate of humans creating languages has definitely died out along with the rate of humans creating new colonies, the rate of human language evolution in complexity will never stop, and will be ever-changing.