Writer’s Dilemma
The stanzas aren't flashy enough.
I format it simple to leave out the fluff.
Like my words aren't deep enough to
Hit you where it bleeds.
I guess my voice isn't deep enough
To shake out the leaves.
I thought putting my passion down on paper
Made me the definition of artiste.
Your hyperbolic, hyper-technicals blinds
The vision of the editorial reads.
I star every email that rejects me.
It's a tactic of motivation so my life
Won't in turn be the death of me.
Watched my grandpa get cancelled by cancer.
Watched a gun flashed in my face,
But death wasn't the answer.
Saw my grandma, last year fall to the same.
Then immediately after that, for my dad,
The reaper on the horse came.
Promised my mom I would never stop
Until she's able to retire.
Watching her health decline,
It's a punch to my pride.
Because if I don't complete my mission before
Another override,
I don't think there's enough praying
To keep the demon inside.
I wake up like why am I trying?
Most days, it's impossible for me
To see straight without a bottle of I.
Am I the worst thing to ever happen to you?
When I just want to back down,
My conscience tells me stand up and fight.
If you truly believe in God,
Then there's no reason to cry...
But, after so many rejections,
It's not easy to keep trying.
Ocean Eyes
I had a dream about the ocean.
The sun illuminated the waves of the current.
I could hear the sound of the water's emotion.
Nature in it's purest, but I don't mean to rant.
This dream was just so vivid.
I felt so alive, with my happiness emitted.
I couldn't help but wonder why I was so committed
To this ocean that I seldom get to visit.
So serene and although it was a dream,
I had found a way to grasp the feeling from the scene.
As I gazed into the beautiful hue reflecting
From the sunlight, I realized that you are the
Reason my reality is so surreal so my R.E.M.
Becomes more of a defection because why would I
Want to dream when in real time I have the real thing?
When I hear your heartbeat,
It's a melody of the tapestry that signifies
What you mean to me defined by the sounds
Of the choir of angels rejoicing at the Savior's feet.
I have not quite seen anything on land nor sea,
As beautiful as you make my life out to be.
As I sit on this beach with the sand beneath my feet,
I akin this euphoria to your easing tranquility.
A being so sweet that her love is immersive.
I love this feeling that you give me.
Feeling love all from what my vision can see.
Inside The Grenade
It's dusty....
With hollow walls..
I can't see much..
I'm suffocating if I'm being honest.
The silence is so loud
That I can hear the war cries
Before the explosion hits.
I wonder how it came to this..
I believe the color is green, military..
Just waking up every day is a danger.
I can't breathe, I can hear myself think.
I can't figure out why I wake up in anger.
If you let the conscious of an evil man linger,
Will he suddenly have the heart to turn his ways
From the directionless, sins of the devil?
When the righteous are tempted with
Being selfish at an opportune time,
Does the decision come down to
Life lessons or the momentary feeling?
Inside here is anxiety and doubt.
I must document the battle,
So let me pull the pen(pin) out.
I Miss Me, Too
She said she misses me.
I said I miss me, too.
I miss when I wasn't so jaded
By the masquerades.
When every day, I didn't wake up
On the wrong side of the bed
With my mind plagued.
When I looked to help because
It's how I was raised.
But now, think twice because everybody
Is just using good people nowadays.
When I didn't feel unappreciated.
I miss when I wanted love,
Hopeful I could find it.
Now I'd rather stay secluded,
A recluse with a noose around my neck;
One second from jumping to my death.
Ok, fine. I didn't really mean that last line,
But the point is at times,
I feel like I was a little more kind.
Without me forcing myself to smile,
I was happy, I was cool to be around.
Before social media started to
Showcase the worst of people.
The racism, the sexism, and it
Being accepted.
I miss me, too.
Because I haven't a clue how to escape
My mind's prison, or the hell that I reside.
When I didn't carry this 'S' on my chest,
When the pressure was on me,
Is really when I was at my best...
But now..
I think I've been filtered with the rest.
I've given you my best, but my best
Nowadays is less.
Bed-Ridden
Stuck to the bed
Because I see no point in getting out.
I put my life on these lines
Without a second doubt.
Stream in front of crickets and
I look for love and forgiveness.
You witness the fall of Rome every time
I leave my home.
Dead-end job, imprisoned to my mission
When no one will give me a chance,
Meaning they don't listen.
In these classes, it gets harder to
Pay attention.
It gets harder doing this work.
I see no point in practicing penmanship.
I see no point in living.
I just want to sleep...
Sleep..
Sleep..until I wake up in Heaven,
Away from the lies
That told me I wasn't good enough
When I was overqualified.
These aren't teardrops...
This is rain running down my face
Because every day, I'm in the
Storm that tests my misery.
Speak to God with no response,
But I know He hears me.
I'm just weary.
Because I see no point in continuing on.
I really don't feel like moving,
But I know I have to.
Writer’s Quarrel
They'll never listen...
Indistinct chatters in the distance.
In my mind, a myriad of reasons
For me to doubt, and less for me to hope.
At times, I can't cope
As I compare my words to those who
Are so far ahead and I ponder..
Are they really that much better than me?
When I can't sleep, I dream on my feet.
I stay awake to get a head start to attack
The next day.
I gave my whole life away to chase a
Failed relationship.
Silly me for thinking I could replace
A role that wasn't for me.
Too young to follow up behind a
Father that left so I, instead ran away in his place.
To make haste with my career because
Making someone else rich, while I get crumbs
Doesn't sit right with me so I make the
Most of my day while trying to keep
From going crazy.
I miss my grandma everyday..
Losing my dad right after that leaves me in shock
More than it makes me sad.
At times, I want to rain from my duckets,
But toughened up like fuck it because
I was raised with a S on my chest.
A hero to many, a villain to many others.
I suppose I'd say sorry at this point,
But I have no idea what I'm even apologizing for.
#WeAreUrijah
Rich Man, Poor Man
You'll only be as valuable as your wallet's value.
When you are understanding and never judge
One for who they are, that's real value.
Your success is predicated on your wealth.
The man who is happy within himself,
Finds success in stealth.
You should be able to walk the walk and talk.
When you are the best that eyes have ever gawked,
They tell you instead while you remain still like caulk.
A man is loved only conditioned by what he provides.
To the righteous, his soul is where real love resides.
It is survival of the fittest, and dog eats dog.
If you want to go further, then bring others along.
Women are the downfall of men.
With a good wife behind you, you'll live life content.
The best advice I can give you is keep your money
Tight and your heart gripped with a vice.
Don't ever take advice is my only advice.
The only difference between losers and winners in life
Is a difference in mindset.
This also separates the rich from the poor—
And why we as mankind, continue to fight.
Intrinsic Struggles
Flashes of the past, in an hour glass
Sanding back in reverse in my mind,
That's a rehearsed ritual.
These nightmares are so habitual.
Pull up a chair and I'll listen to you.
Makes me feel better about the mess I call a life.
A supposed leader, but even I have not the slightest clue.
Virtually engaged so I can cut off from real life.
Lately me and whoever is around haven't been on the same page.
Relationship estranged and I lost a grip because I can't figure out
How to love when I'm so full of rage.
In a room full of people feeling like I'm in here alone.
Like how can I never have taken a drug but feel so spaced out?
You want something dirty done, you do it at lights out.
And at some point I wanna trade in my heart..
Because I don't wanna be the good guy.
Tell my mama she should have not raised me right..
I wanna be on the corner selling strikes.
And sleep around on my girl even though she treats me right.
And I wanna doubt everything I was taught about Christ.
So I can have an excuse when they tell me I should know wrong from right..
And be happy and go untouched and have it all.
Until maybe one day I die in a gunfight.
And I can use the last 7 minutes of my life...
To reminisce on what I've done wrong and what I should have done right....
My Own Advice
If I followed my own advice
I'd be a success overnight.
Quit my job, and just write
About the time I decided to take flight.
In my advice,
I detail what it's like to give
Every burden and fight to Jesus Christ.
And I'd be better wirh my cash.
Instead of having the mindset of
I can't take it with me to the end
So I may as well spend.
Or use the excuse that I get tired of
Being paid just to turn around and have to
Get these bills paid....Broke again....
Making transactions, shaking Satan's hand
Until God decides it's the right timing
For a blessing. Damn.
Now I'm paying back insterest on a loan
That I can't afford....
Praying please get me out of another
Impossible situation, Dear Lord.
But that doesn't take away from who I am.
I want you to have more self-worth
Because I was told that other guy was the better
Man and still in love I stand.
And I would know that God has devised a plan.
If I took my own advice,
I'd know how special I am, right?
Believe in myself with some consistency.
Instead, one day I'm like fuck it,
And I put down my pen.
The next day, I'm back at it again.
It's easier to give advice because
I don't want the next person to be
As stupid as I.
With eyes looking from the outside
Everything that you have ever known
Becomes a lie.
So I can't take my own advice.
I can only pray that I become a little more wise.
#Three #WeAreUrijah
Brain Storms
Not for likes or dislikes or
To call anybody out on anything.
Just a lonely bird caged up that
Have a few songs to sing.
Open up and embrace all the pain
That the world brings.
Deceit dresses neatly in the heat of battle.
The road less taken is where I do my travels.
To ensure that I am not judged by the same gavel.
Tattles make the tails of the snake rattle.
Stuck up creek without a paddle.
Make the cross stable and prepare
For my crucifixion.
Look at the world today.
What was Jesus really fixing?
Giving us more chances than we deserve.
Put the swerve on the wheels in the storm.
Through the struggles a warrior was born.
Born alone..die alone..
Keep the saddle on for the journey we are thrown, I'm gone.
But at the same time things get more clear.
My mind isn't all here, but I'm more than ever
The man my foes should fear.
Enemies are necessary like friends are.
My life is just a trip without a car.
From my hometown and back around.
I'm no hero.
I only wanna be the difference between
What they are doing and what
God mapped out to me. Be free.
As the days end, another page in the Bible
Turns, but for better days I yearn.
Clouded by yesterday's rain.
I need a prayer or two just to keep me sane.