There's a lot to say about being left behind.

It leaves you gasping for air and grasping at the fleeting memories.

It leaves you stuck, incapable of moving forward.

It leaves you wanting to go back into the warm embrace of calm and familiarity.

But everything you once knew is gone .

There is nothing left to go back to.

There is only venturing out on your own.

There is only the struggle of learning how to survive with that person no longer in your life.

No more advice.

No more warm hugs.

No more coffees or hot chocolates.

Just forward.

Meeting new people and being terrified to make a new attachment.

Possibly even disconnecting from those close to you.

All out of fear of another loss.

All out of fear of being abandoned again.

Of being left behind.

Again.

1. The best thing you can do is start a project as soon as you get it. Starting is the hard part.

2. Do not hang out with people who make you feel less important or less smart, they are useless to your journey. 

3. People grow up and people grow apart, learn to move on. 

4. You can say no. It is an okay word to use. 

5. Tell people when they have upset you. 

6. Getting angry solves nothing. 

7. Talk to the people who care about you about what is bothering you. It helps.  

8. Be who you want to be and change what you want to change. 

9. Stop spending money on food when there is some at the house. Also learn how to cook said food. 

10. Do not get hung up on what other people think of you. Other people are temporary, if you are happy with you then screw everyone else. 

Have you ever felt betrayed by a friend?

Have you ever felt betrayed by a friend while they are completely oblivious? 

Have you ever been made to feel uncomfortable by a stranger making a sexual comment?

Have you ever been made to feel uncomfortable by a friend making a sexual comment?

I have. 

I can say anything to a stranger on the street. 

I don't care about their opinion and I know that I am safe in the daylight. 

But to a friend?

No. 

That is different.

That is much.. much harder. 

At first you think they are joking. 

That they will acknowledge their mistake. 

Then they do it again.

And again. 

And yet-

They never say sorry. 

They never realize what they are doing is wrong. 

It's even worse when you realize you are not alone in their assault. 

It's even worse when you realize that they do it to other people too. 

Still not realizing that it is wrong. 

So you decide to say something. 

And then it gets worse. 

They say they were kidding. 

They deny your feelings. 

They deny the sick feeling you get in your mouth. 

And then you're left wondering.

Are they really your friend? 

Are they really as safe as you once thought?

And then you don't feel comfortable going to parties with them.

And then you don't feel safe falling asleep near them.

And then you don't want to be alone with them. 

And then you get called out. 

And then you make up a story. 

And then you want to run.

And then they talk. 

And they don't understand. 

And you are damaged. 

Unworthy. 

But it's okay right? 

These are your friends. 

What is there left to say? 

Will you miss me when I'm gone? 

Will you think of me at 2 am when you can't fall asleep?

Will you go to our favorite places?

Or listen to our favorite songs? 

Will you throw out the gifts I gave you?

Will you question every letter I wrote you?

Will you cry for me?

Will you pretend you don't care? 

Will you drink yourself to sleep?

Was I your first anything?

Will I be your last anything? 

When you marry will you wish it was me? 

When you have kids will you wonder what it would've been like? 

When you take a breath will it be ragged and pained? 

Will your heart bleed for me? 

Will you feel betrayed? 

Will you feel broken? 

Will you forget me? 

Uh I hope no one is looking at me right now I really don't want that. I should've showered earlier, now my hair is all frizzy. Don't touch it just deal with it- if you touch it people will notice. Oh what if my face has red spots., I think I scrubbed too hard in the shower this morning. Shit I forgot to fix my eyebrows. Wait is my shirt see-through? Oh please don't let it be see-through that would be so embarrassing. Are my hands too big? I think they are too big for a girl, wait but Sarah's are bigger, then again Sarah is bigger than me in general. Not that that's a bad thing. What if I'm too small? My body makes no sense. No no my hips are too wide I bumped into that guy. Oh I hope he didn't notice my hair. I didn't do my makeup today everyone is going to think I look terrible. 

                                                        *********

I wonder if I'll get to see May today, she is so wonderful. She comes this way on her way to class right? Oh I hope so. Yes there she is! Oh she's so gorgeous. I love her hair, it's a little big today, what a good look for her. It looks like she's blushing oh she is so cute. Talk to her- no I can't talk to her. Just wave. No just go up to her. Huh- she bumped into me. She- she smiled at me. Don't stare after her people will think you're staring at her ass. If she turns around she'll be creeped out. Just keep walking. Keep walking and f you see her at lunch you can as her out. Good good yes. I'll ask her out if I see her at lunch. I hope my breath doesn't smell bad. 

She sat on her knees, her hands outstretched, facing the ceiling, covered in blood, tears rolling down her face slowly, as she stared blankly out the window. Her lips were pursed and raw as though she had been chewing on them harshly. Her white dress was splayed around her haphazardly and was slowly soaking up the dark red liquid. The only light in the room came from a single window which let in the moonlight so that it reflected off the blood. Not three feet away was the body of the boy she once loved. The boy who betrayed her. The boy who tried to steal her purity for his own gain. The boy who deserved it. 

Hey.

Such a simple word. 

Made drastically more meaningful by you. 

You made me want to write again. 

You made me want to try again. 

You made me want to work for something.

All with one little word.

Hey. 

I know that the words following it will be meaningful. 

I know that those next few words will make my day ten times better. 

I know that it means you care about me. 

That three letter word means so much.

Hey. 

I really like you. 

It's hard to explain. 

You know how I love stars? 

It's like that, you are the stars. 

I could look at you all day. 

And when I see you my heart jumps in my chest. 

I get so excited. 

You are amazing. 

I always want to be around you. 

You could be in any mood and I would still enjoy every moment. 

I can't get enough of the way you think. 

It's so similar yet so different from the way I do. 

You are like a nice sip of cold water on a hot day. 

You bring me relief. 

You feel like home. 

I regret not meeting you earlier. 

But at the same time I am so grateful I met you at just the right time. 

This was all new to me and yet- you made me feel safe.

You made me feel like I belonged. 

Don't get me started on your kisses. 

I could let you kiss me all day. 

Little pecks all over my face and neck. 

I live for your kisses. 

You're ideas astonish me.

You are the stars. 

And I hope you never ever burn out. 

Time. 

It can pass so slowly sometimes. 

Five minutes can feel like a lifetime. 

An hour can feel like an eternity. 

Once it is passed it feels as if it went so quickly. 

You don't remember the agony. 

It can also go quickly. 

A week can feel like a weekend. 

An hour can feel like ten minutes. 

It all depends on you. 

How you perceive it. 

Time.