Yes, one day you will be 30 something and being 30 something isn’t always glamorous!

Dear Karma,

I really hate you right now. You’ve made your point.

-Ottilie Weber

Free Online Dating at Craigslist

Sex and the City is to my generation as Girls is to the current. I loved it. I related to it. I wanted to be the women. However, due to recent events, I have decided to call bullshit on Carrie and company.

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My 30-something year old body is revolting against me in a “you abused me in your 20’s”, karma-esque way.

Turns out your mid-thirties are the perfect age if you enjoy karma kicking your ass while simultaneously turning you into a submissive (and ultra hormonal) being that is under a dominant’s (aka Aunt Flo’s) control.

Who freakin’ knew? I don’t recall Carrie and the girls discussing the influence your period has over 30-something women while enjoying their weekly brunch.

As a 20-something woman, I embraced the Sex and the City women when they went there, discussing taboo topics. I embraced the sex I had, instead of being ashamed. I was pissed off when Berger broke up with Carrie on a post-it note. And I cried when the girls had Mr. Big rush off to Paris to save their girl.

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Craigslist Stragedy To Find Love

Now, I am them. I am 30-something. I discuss marriage, sex and relationships over brunch (or, more realistically, while sitting on the bleachers during baseball practice). I own pricey, ridiculously high heels, have fully embraced my female sexuality and am finally beginning to figure life and all the shit that accompanies it, out. But I am also a 30-something who can’t leave home without a panty liner securely stuck to the inside of her lacy underwear. I am a 30-something whose skin breaks out worse than a teenage boy at the height of puberty. I am a 30-something who can’t always have sex whenever because her dominatrix loves to tease. And by tease I mean cock block. And by cock block I mean showing up at random (and usually the most inopportune) moments.

Carrie and the girls went there with bisexuality. They went there with anal. They went there with affairs and one-night stands, heartbreak and love. They went there with oral, recreational drug use and cancer. But they never went there with the one thing that at times, consumes the life of every 30-something woman, whether she lives in Manhattan and has fabulous clothes or lives in a South Florida suburb and drives a minivan.

This is where I call bullshit on Carrie and company.

Since then, I’ve been overly cautious. While I’ve managed to work through that on my own and been able to date guys, I always stayed somewhat detached from the process. I didn’t shut down or refuse to be vulnerable. I just…I don’t know. I always had it in my head that this might not last forever, so don’t get too attached.

My therapist pointed out that I appeared to have a habit of filling in the blanks or writing the script before things were actually fleshed out. Being self-aware and self-actualized are great characteristics. But sometimes you can become so aware that you see right through craigslist people and bypass what they actually might be thinking and go right to what you think they’re thinking.Yes, some people will date you just for the sex and then they’ll abandon you. Or they’ll lie or somehow use you. Those craigslist  people exist. But knowing those people exist is really all you need to help you side-step those craigslist  people. You don’t have to assign a diagnosis to every guy you meet.

After several drinks with some theatre friends the other night, the conversation turned to dominance and submission within a relationship. Always fun. :-) (Now, I've never told any of those friends explicitly that I am seeking a Taken In Hand style relationship.) One guy went round the table, trying to pick whether each person was predominantly dominant or submissive in the bedroom. Pretty soon this became a bit of a game and everyone did it.

I was shocked and surprised that out of ten people in the room, every single one of them picked me to be dominant! (Except for an ex of mine, who cracked up laughing.) Now, I know within myself that I'm not. The few friends and ex-boyfriends I've told know that I'm not. But the fact that a whole room of people that know me quite well thought that I was, got me to thinking – if this is the image of me that my friends have, what on earth are the men I'm meeting thinking of me?!

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I do not fit the mould of a submissive woman. This I know. I keep my hair short because it's easy and it suits me. I wear funky, comfortable clothes (except when I go out, when it's funky and a bit sexier). My makeup is either non-existent or super-dramatic depending on my mood. I'm tall and broad-shouldered. I am extremely vivacious and social and have never had a problem talking to people about anything (and I'm a huge flirt!). And whilst I love getting dolled up and wearing stockings, skirts and heels, I'm also the first one to don jeans and pick up power tools when the need arises. I am feminine – both by definition (that I'm female) and by connotation, and I'm very happy with the fact that I'm a woman. I'm not trying to be one of the guys.

Please don't get me wrong – I can be girly (how I hate that term) but usually only when I'm playing. I have no respect for the women I meet who are really girly-girls because more often than not, they seem to be air-headed and useless and their presence completely counter-productive when you're trying to get something done. I just don't have it in me to giggle and bat my eyelids and have deep and meaningful conversations about manicures. I've never even had a manicure because it makes playing the guitar impossible!

Now, here's the crunch. I love the way I am. I'm proud of my body, my personality and my opinions. I love that I am strong and independent and can walk home alone at night (gasp!). I wouldn't want any of that to change. What I do want is a man who is stronger. But, god help me, I just can't seem to find them! Where are they? And how can I attract the type of guy I want without diluting myself?

Eric wrote a fascinating article which gave me a little hope, but now I just don't know. All of the articles that I have read (and I thank each and every author for sharing their experiences) deals with Taken In Hand either within an existing relationship or in theory. I want to open the floor here and ask you all for some advice. How do I convey my submissiveness to a potential partner, when everybody seems to think the opposite? Keep in mind that I don't necessarily want to broadcast exactly what I do in the bedroom to guys I hardly know! And (specifically for the guys) would you date a gal you perceived to be more dominant, for the challenge in making her submit?

Love yourself first. Whether you’re a fan or not, the thing that matters most is the quality of your relationships, not some card or gift. And your most important relationship is

with yourself.

If you’re dating someone on Craiglist now, great; I’ll get to you in a minute.

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If you’re NOT dating anyone right now, you certainly have at least one wonderful person in your life. And I mean you. Today, treat yourself as a treasure that’s yet to be discovered. Imagine how the most desirable guy in the world would treat you and treat yourself that way.

This is important. When you make a habit of treating yourself like a treasure yet to be discovered, men pick up on it. You become a magnet for men on Craigslist who want a woman they can treasure.

It happened to me.

Buy yourself something special (just don’t go into debt). Savor food you love to eat. Grab a fun friend (note that I said ‘fun friend;’ avoid complainers like the swine flu). Rent a good movie, pop some corn, and have a cocktail.

Have fun!

If you ARE in a relationship, don’t get caught up in the hype. Some men are into Valentine’s Day, and some don’t get it at all (I don’t really like it myself. My feeling is, if you love somebody, you should show them every day, not just on Valentine’s Day). So, if the guy doesn’t come bearing extravagant gifts, be open to the possibility that he thinks Valentine’s Day is the over-hyped commercial holiday I do.

(Now, if he forgets your birthday, that’s another story.)

Your boyfriend’s married friend is likely looking to your BF as some kind of relief. A smart person would have known to lie when you asked if she and he were dancing closely. She didn’t. It’s possible that she was the one who was lying all along or that she just saw the way they danced as being far more intimate than he did.  She wants his attention for herself, most likely. She’s trying to drive a wedge between you two so that she can have the majority of his focus. This is a problem I’ve had to tackle with my aforementioned friendship. He changes the subject when I bring up the men I date and is otherwise dismissive of various issues that I discuss that concern them. No. Wrong. Don’t do that. I see what he’s doing. He doesn’t. I’m sure if you confronted your guy’s married friend, she’d say you were crazy. She’s living in the land of denial, not wanting to admit that there are probably some problems in her marriage that need fixing.

I think the first step you need to take is discuss this relationship with your boyfriend and ask him to break ties with this woman. It would be one thing if she were showing respect for your relationship. Seeing as though she is disrespecting her own marriage, I doubt she’ll ever show you the deference that you deserve. What you need to understand before you do that is that he could and probably will lie to you about distancing himself from her.  You might never even know that she’s still in his life. So if you stay with him, you’re going to have to trust him that he either is telling the truth and no longer has dealings with her or is still friends with her but will never cross that line.

I think some mature men don’t like the idea of having a “girlfriend” because a lot of women give us a bad rap. I was talking with a male friend the other day about how he can’t stand his friends’ girlfriend. She’s always nagging and holds him back from hangin’ with the boys. You hear this situation quite often. When do you ever hear the reverse?

I’m sure there are two sides to every situation, he is hearing from his mature guy friend that his girlfriend is nagging, but just maybe….she’s not nagging at all, and he actually would prefer to hang with his girl than the mature boys that night and is too chickin’ to tell his buds. Or he is a wimp and doesn’t tell his girlfriend how much he wants to hang with his boys and plans another evening with her. So I would say, never assume what you hear is accurate.

And if she is his “girlfriend”, then he should really respect her and not speak poorly of her. The way I see it, it takes two. She is either nagging for a reason, or he lets that behavior happen. Right?

I went to a party the other night, and was hanging with a few friends; 3 male and 1 female. I told them about this article that I read recently on Date Daily, “Can you guess the top 6 things mature guys hate about girlfriends?“. I thought I would see if they had the same answers as this writer from this article. (who by the way is male…so that may give you some perspective.)

I received answers like; “She doesn’t put out” and “She’s jealous when he talks to other women”. One guy did say “lack of freedom”. That would be my FIRST guess. This is exactly where sayings like; “ball and chain” come from. I don’t think I have ever heard a woman saying she feels like she has a ball and chain with her mature man. Have you? Ok, maybe Samantha on Sex and City, but that’s it!

So if I had to guess my top three choices of why mature guys hate girlfriends they would be:

1. Lack of freedom

2. She tells him what to do.

3. Women talk too much.

_____

As for the writer from the article on Date Daily, here are his Top 6 Things Guys Hate about Girlfriends:

1. You’re a dictator

“From telling him that he should change his shirt to lecturing him on why he needs to put the Doritos down, most men don’t enjoy being treated like children”

2. You keep him from his boys

“All guys like to have a morsel of freedom and the minute you take that away from him, you’re going to feel the wrath of his bitterness.”

3. You talk too much

“Remember: If he hasn’t said a word in five minutes, it’s because he’s tuned you out and has no interest…”

4. You focus on money

“Every man’s biggest fear is that you’re only with him to cash in…”

5. You flirt with other men

“Guys like to feel safe in a relationship and if you are constantly making him feel small by talking to other men when they come on to you, he will feel like you are not loyal.”

6. You think guys want to be your “friend”

“No one said men were perfect, and at this age, we don’t need any female “friends,” we need sex, and if we can get it from you, boyfriend or not, we’ll try to.”

Personally, I know I would make a fantastic girlfriend because:

a. I also like my freedom to hang with my girls and do my own thing.

b. I plan to make my own million, so I don’t need his money.

c. I am all into PDA, so my man will feel safe with me.

: )

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I’m not sure if I’m hard to please or if I just read into the meaning of peoples choices too deeply, but in reference to Mark’s choice of restaurant; he’s pleased me and it shows he ‘gets me’, you get me??. It’s in the old part of the city and the front hasn’t been changed in many years and still has the beautiful big curved windows that lead to the door and lots of art nouveau stained glass. Inside all the original woodwork is still there, it has a high ceiling with an old domed skylight and plants hanging from the rafters like a Parisienne café circa 1910. I love it. All the tables and chairs are odd, I collect old wooden chairs from car boot sales and junk shops. When I sit down I notice the one next to me is exactly the same as one I have in my bedroom, which is very odd considering it’s about 80 years old and Mark doesn’t even think I’m a crackpot when I start wittering on about this chair. Lets face it, most blokes would be like ‘yeah, whatever luv!’.I have the most amazing Beef Wellington I have ever tasted and we talk non-stop, the boy did good.

After dinner we go for a walk around the old city walls and at a point overlooking the water and the city lights I just stop, turn around and go in for the snog. He’s slightly taken aback! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just want to know if there’s a physical connection or not – simple as that. It’s not like I want to jump into bed with all the good dates I have but I would if I felt like it, I’m not ashamed to say that. I think so many people are in denial that as long as you ‘get along’ then sex isn’t that important which is such crap. It’s the only thing that sets you apart from being friends! When you’re with someone (after the honeymoon period) you take things out on them just because they’re nearest, its perfectly natural but there’s got to be a reward for putting up with that from each other and I believe it’s the physical stuff.

Anyway, we have a good snog, it’s nice but he doesn’t exactly say ‘That’s it, you’re coming back to mine…’ It seems the modern man would never do that, its just not the way to treat a lady. Well maybe I want a real man and I ain’t no lady! ;) Hmm, he wants to see me next week. So what do I do next? I start driving home, switch on my phone to a barrage of texts from Casual Fling (CF) and I go round there. Do I feel bad? Not really. I’m still a free agent.

I am knackered for work the next day because I stayed up late with CF, he didn’t ask where I’d been and I didn’t tell him. We had a catch up, a good laugh, watched a film etc…. Stupidly I have a lunch date from the website arranged which was a ridiculous date to make on a Monday as I was guaranteed to be tired from the weekend. He works nearby and we meet for a drink in a local bar. His photo’s looked lovely; tall, dark because his mother is Indonesian, wants to re-train as a life coach (is that great or wanky??), well he can start with coaching me if he likes! Guess what – he looks about 12 in the flesh and his communication skills are about that level too. Maybe I’m just tired and intolerant but I am so rude to him, I practically implied that we weren’t quite in the same league and he should just hop it back to playschool. Whoops. I feel bad then, I need to ‘check myself’ as they say in the hood.

I spend the afternoon thinking about nothing but a good night’s sleep, however, I will have the wrath of Roomie to face as she will want to know where I got to last night. I’m just daydreaming about this while making tea in the kitchen at work when my mobile rings, it’s a really deep handsome sounding voice. I can’t freaking believe it – it’s only the super tall gorgeous guy at my mates house from yesterday! He called Mr&Mrs T to ask for my number, apparently after much squabbling between themselves Mrs T persuaded Mr T to hand over my number and leave us to it! Well we have a little chat and he’s pretty straight talking, just says he liked the look of me and wants to find out more. He makes me go all giggly which is hilarious, he knows I can’t chat for long because I’m at work but tells me I have his number now so I can text him whenever I want! I return from the kitchen red faced and excited which must have looked a bit suspicious ;)

David then text to say he was hoping we could fix up another dinner soon but he was going to be away on a training course and then subsequently working 2 weekends. I can’t say I’m devastated. Meanwhile Mark left a voicemail saying how much he enjoyed our date and wanted to know when he could see me again. How lovely, but all I can think about is the hunky giant, I think he might be just the kind of beast I’ve looking for……

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