God, when did death become real to me?

Was I still innocent and young?

or Was I disenchanted by life?

Do you have to realize life sucks to realize everything ends in death?

I lost my best friend when I was 8. She was my Great Grandmother,

My namesake,

My friend.

She used to hold me in her arms and teach me how to read.

She told me when I was 3, I told her she would die when she was 80.

She died 5 days after she turned 80.

She left me her jewelry, and I wear something of hers everyday.

My girlfriend killed herself when I was 14. I wasn't even out to my family yet.

How do I tell my family I loved her more than they realize?

My sisters father died slowly from liver failure. I had to watch her cry herself to sleep knowing that she might not see him tomorrow. She went from middle school to spending every evening in the hospital talking to her father. He died 5 days after her birthday.

My sister stayed home one day because she didn't feel good. I was pulled out of school because my sister was in ICU, puking up blood. She wasted away from 160 pounds, to 100 pounds. Her gallbladder was causing ulcers in her stomach. If they didn't discover it when they did, I might not have a sister today.

I ended up going through a windshield. I lost so much blood, they didn't think I would make it.

Maybe that's when it became real.

Although all my friends think I'm a huge romantic, I'm secretly afraid of falling in love. I've seen my father and my mother fight, and argue, and scream till they were breathless and leave each other. I've seen my mother fall in love with someone who we all thought was an okay person, for him to turn into a lazy, drug addicted jerk, who abused animals. After we left, I've seen my sister fall in love with someone who cheated on her every other week, and her become pregnant with his kid, to only turn around and cheat on her with her best friend.

I lost my virginity to a 20 year old my freshman year. I thought I was in love, but he ghosted me for a year, until I was 16, and there was no legal ramifications to dating me. I was just too naïve to think that it would work out. I dated a 20 year old when I was 16 who I've known since my freshman year who seemed like he would treat me right, only for him to guilt trip me into doing what he wanted, and emotionally abused me and threated to 'break down my door.' He broke into my house. Twice.

But now, there is this guy, who treats me amazingly. He so sweet and gentle and I'm so afraid to trust him.

But he's the only person that I want to say 'I love you'. He's the only person I can feel safe enough to sleep beside. He's the only one who I'm able to be vulnerable around.

He's the one who I want to be like this with. And I'm afraid.