Pretending

I never heard those vicious words,

I dissolved my neverlasting freedom of thoughts into bubble baths.

Staring into the dusk, I always adored the moon

I shut my door and pondered

Moon had glory,

Another beautiful story

Devastated my existence by questioning my everlasting faith

Astonished, I chased evidence to prove my innocence

I have stopped cherishing the moon, it’s perhaps my flaws trapped in a cage

Pretending

I never witnessed the humiliating words

I dissolved my agony in my neverlasting mind palace

Staring into the amber dust, I always praised the sun,

I shut my door and sobbed

Sun had flare

Another prayer

Crushed my life under few filthy words, flushed my trust

I wasn’t surprised at venom rushed to trap me in, I wasn’t afraid of reputation melting to cinder,

I have stopped adoring the sun, it’s perhaps a mirror to my demon

You tell me this is what I deserve,

and I say,

You’re right. But--

You tell me I’m a worthless sinner,

the blackness of my heart is dripping over the edges.

And I say,

Maybe. But--

You tell me that heaven doesn’t want me;

I’m a shameful reject that God forgot about.

And I say,

Vilify me all you want. But--

My head bows, tears glitter.

Then my fingers stretch out, resting on the keys that will decide my fate.

And I write,

I may be unworthy, a pitiful shell of existence. But--

God knew all this and more

and still chose

me.

God knew all this and more

and yet,

his love reaches out

to me

like a tender voice calling

over the rush and roar of angry waves.

Come to me, Dear One.

I know you’re scared, anxious, hopeless.

Weary of the world, weary of your own existence,

your own dark soul.

You feel cursed, doomed to a fiery eternity.

But I am here to tell you--

Before you were conceived, I knew you.

Before you were a thought in the universe,

I saw you.

I reached into the womb of the future

and broke the chains that bind you.

I foresaw the pattern of your soul

and I erased its mark of death.

I knew the plan of the evil one

that would seek to suppress you

and I set you free.

I see your wounds and

the depths of your suffering

and I offer you healing.

You are restored, renewed,

liberated from all that Hell would use

to enslave you.

It has no claim on you.

You are a citizen of Heaven.

It is by My Name I declare this.

***

So tell me now, gatekeeper of Hell.

Would you claim the right to my soul,

when Heaven has laid claim before I was even born?

Would you struggle to own me,

when the deed to my heart is even now

residing in the celestial realm?

Would you venture to snatch at my soul,

when your clutches are powerless over my

liberated spirit?

Your claim is futile.

I am a token of a long-past war.

Your fight lies not with me,

but with angel armies.

Your realm only knows hate and fear and terror.

Heaven’s only language is Love.

And don’t you know?

Love triumphs over fear every time.

So tell me.

Do you dare to press your claim of ownership over me?

Are you now so eager to take it up with the forces above?

Do you still seek to damn my soul and in so doing defy Love?

Tell me, if you dare.

your broken lights,

a poetically constructed web

over the structure of my lungs,

how could I possibly n o t think of you, my sweet ?

when sometimes

you’re the only thing

that pushes the air forward ?

( yes, the feel of your soul

forever lost in my breaths )

and this heart of mine

always humming your tune

so intertwined

in the pulsating galaxies of us

.

the night comes with a special kind of softness,

where the music swells and carries itself through the hall

and we all shed our armor,

reaching

                    always reaching

for that fleeting connection of souls.

a warm haze settles on the hall;

I catch your eye through the masses,

                            just for a moment

                                    before we both look away

and keep dancing.

the light touch of a hand on my waist,

behind me, I hear laughter,

light as a sparrow in flight;

                                    this, too, is electrifying.

in this moment, we are more aware of our bodies than ever before,

leading and being lead in circles,

allowing ourselves to feel the presence of those around us,

rather than hide away from it all.

my hand lingers for a moment,

then my doe-eyed partner is swept away by the dance.

your hand trails along my waist,

                        comfort and a burning fire all at once;

come closer, your eyes say,

and i obey, falling closer in this waltz of longing,

barely tripping over our feet as we lose ourselves to the moment.

your face is unguarded, honest,

                                            is it any wonder that I'm in love?

the swirl of fabric from your dress distracts me,

that is,

                until you pull me closer, closer,

                                                    whisper focus

and I shiver from the feel of your breath on me.

my hand tightens its hold on yours;

in our most soul-baring exchange, only one word has been uttered,

yet I have heard everything else you've said,

just as you've heard me.

we understand each other,

down to the atoms in our bones,

                    then I am swept away into another dance,

                          in the arms of another loveless lover,

                               baring her soul to me beneath the singing of the violins.

I follow her steps, instinct more than practice,

and promise you another dance;

we know better than to say it out loud --

some promises will always be broken.

but for tonight, I will find my way back into your arms

                    and we shall continue our search for a cure to our loneliness.

It’s a lack of control

Irrationality taking hold while

you reach to grab onto

something, reaching into the air realizing

you can’t hold onto memories.

It’s knowing that you can’t stop

Nothing is how you wanted it but

everything else is stable, yet

you’re the one falling even

though you were just letting go.

It’s remembering you’re to blame

Had you only held on tighter, perhaps

you would still be in bed, still

wondering what would have happened if

your fingers had slipped.

Dear Miranda,

Today it rained, and I smelled you. Sometimes I wonder if I’m going crazy, feeling you in everything. Do you think of me when you step in a wood and smell trees? When you feel the edge of your cashmere sweater and remember when I kissed you under the stars? Maybe you don’t. I understand if the memory of me blurs at the edges. It’s been awhile.

~Jack

Dear Miranda,

Today I saw a train and I thought of you. You liked the way the sounds of trains and the little booths we sat in. I feel like I have to remind you of things, to keep your world from going gray. My world’s going a little gray right now.

~Jack

Dear Miranda,

Today I drove past a field of wildflowers and I saw you. You were twirling, flowers woven through your golden hair. You saw me and smile, beckoning me to come closer. I came, Miranda. But you ran too fast, and I lost you.

~Jack

Dear Miranda,

Today I went to the lake and I heard you. You were crying. I went to find you, to comfort you, to set your world straight again, but I couldn’t find you. I searched all around the bank. I heard you though, weeping. Your sobs no longer run through my head, but the echoes of your pain stay with me.

~Jack

Dear Miranda,

Tonight I’ll see you again. I am going out to the lake and my pockets will be full of rocks. I need to see you, to stop the cries that still ring in my ears. Tonight I will see you again, and we’ll pick wildflowers. You will smell like rain and I will smell like trees, and our hurt will be forgotten.

~Jack

Close my eyes

For lucid visions

No anesthesia

For this incision

Thinking back

I just might cry

Hold me down

Force is applied

Multiple endings

For just one life

Crack my skull

And grab your knife

Tickle me red

Paint me in bruises

All these warnings say

Don't drink the kool aid juices

Silly girl

Was put down again

By this big bad world

That won't move or bend