Have you ever held a bird in your hand?

Not the ones you can buy at the store,

But the wild ones who have only known sky

And wet dirt from your backyard.

Have you felt their tiny hearts racing?

The sheer panic?

Have you ever said

You should be afraid of me

You should fear death

Your life is in my hands

I can steal the sky and dry out your lands?

Have you ever realized the amount of power you hold?

Even though you would never do these things,

Hurt that bird you’ve admired from afar,

Fed and given shelter to,

Have you at least wanted to?

A bird got caught in my screened in porch

And I spent an hour trying to set it free,

But it kept running into doors and windows

And flying into the corners of the room,

Even though the screen door was wide open

And I begged it to get out,

I begged it to focus, to fight, to escape

So I wouldn’t have to risk its life.

It eventually grew tired, so I grabbed a light towel,

Tried to throw it over the bird as it scurried across the floor

As I have often done,

But every time it would barely escape,

Run to another corner of the room and I would patiently

Follow it.

It got stuck in the process of hiding from me.

I begged it to stop moving,

To give me just one more moment,

But it refused.

I never heard its neck snap, but I saw the blood in its beak.

I held it in my bare hands,

Rubbed its belly and apologized until the tears

Silenced me, my voice ragged.

I sat it in the leaves, thought maybe it’s just stunned,

But its body soon turned cold,

Tightened up and stiffened into rigor mortis.

I buried it under a tree so that when its body

Decayed its nutrients would be memorialized

In its roots, trunk, and leaves.

I never intended to kill the bird

As we often never intend to ruin

The buildings we burn,

And I envy my cat for doing it and making

It look like an art,

But I’m too human and not enough machine.

the tub filled without hesitancy and i sat in the warm water that was filled with rose petals and honey, waiting for you to come home. i wanted to surprise you with this small act of kindness. i fantasized about you sitting in front of me, your back facing my body, my hands working the knots out of your muscles as you told me about your day and i told you about mine. i had lost a patient that day. her name was marie. she was 17 and had dreams of juliard; she played piano and loved to paint my nails. i wanted to tell you the things i could never tell her; that she would never make it to 18 or ever go to prom, that she shouldn't get herself into a relationship because burdening someone with a death is the most cruel thing you can do. i sat in the water, speaking to the walls as if they were you, looking at them with the same soft eyes only you get to see. i spoke as if they were my last words. the water turned cold before you could make it home, but i stayed until my lips were blue and my fingers felt like raisins. when you did come home, i smelled like strawberry wine and had tear streaked cheeks because i wasn’t able to help you that night. i wasn't able to be there for you and listen to what you had to say about how unhappy you were. you didn't get to hear about the girl that would never get to follow her dreams. and i will never tell you. you will never hear about how unhappy i am at my job and how badly i want to quit, because i will always calm you before myself. i will wipe your tears before i wipe mine. i will take care of you always. i will talk to the walls so i can honestly say that im fine, that you've done nothing wrong. i will say that i understand that you are too busy and i'm too dramatic. i will apologize for behaving this way and i will forgive you for all of the rights you did wrong.

#breakup #forgivness #heartbreak #heartache #prose

the moonlight was heavy against your skin, pouring lavender over honey; looking at it felt like a sin. i prayed over us that night, that the lord would take me and spare you, so that i could die in your arms instead of spending the next night alone. you come and go, leaving me crying in our empty bed, begging others to try and fill your place. the sheets dont smell the same but i dont sleep there anymore. our bedroom, which was once a chapel  where i prayed on my knees to you, has become a cemetary, our names carved into the walls, decorated with old photographs of us. you ask me, "baby why do you stay?",  so i ask you, "baby why cant i let go?" maybe if im lucky i'll see you in my dreams tonight. 

#breakup #forgiveness #imissyou

i see her when i first walk in. the room has filled with smoke from her god awful cigarette. the light is reflecting off of her blue eyes like a sign from god. or maybe she is god. that's the thing about women like this in a place like this on a night like this. but i know that this girl does not see all of these eyes that are glued to her and it's not because she's oblivious and soft. it's because she simply doesn't care. and it drives everyone crazy, because a girl like that should care about the opinions of every meaningless person in this cramped up bar that i shouldn't have even come to. a man comes up to her and says something. i don't know what it was. i was out of earshot. she half-smiles and lights another cigarette. he leaves with a frown on her face. my heart beats as i walk over to her. my palms are sweaty and the makeup i spent an hour on feels like it's melting, but that's just a side effect of every insecurity that i have. she looks at me and when she does it sets me on fire. i have gone into the lion's den. i am touching the center of the sun and my god, it feels so fucking good. she says something. i don't know what it is. my mind is far from here. i'm lost in her smoke and her eyes and the music that is vibrating my ribcage. all i know is, i belong here with her. i have found comfort among the flames. kissing her is now my life's work. i don't even realize what i'm doing until i taste her cigarettes in her mouth. it's fucking disgusting, but it's my new muse.

she was dawn to dusk,

blinding lights and soft blush;

careless with her love, falling

too soon;

giving her love unconditionally

to the cold moon.

a lover, he was not,

a dreamer he was;

he died every morning

to make room for the sun.

perhaps, he thought,

she will join me soon,

leave her children,

kiss the plants goodbye

and instead light up my

night sky.

the stars whispered sweet

words when his true lover

slipped away,

you only see her for brief

moments before your soul

slips, why give up your

life for just a brief kiss?

he ignored them for days,

he ignored them for nights,

but the draw of their warmth

and their crystal clear dresses

left a very clear message.

he gave in and kissed them

for hours at a time, not giving

way to thoughts of remorse.

the sun found out, of course,

for stars always shine, they

were just masked by her own light.

she hid for days, giving way to

the rain, avoiding the sun

for multitudes of days.

love of mine,

he whispered before he died,

why must you torture my soul?

why has your love grown cold?

i fraternized for only a moment,

but to you, i give my soul,

to you, i give my life.

her rays turned white as

she looked into his sleepy eyes,

get out of my sight, you cold,

cold being; against all odds,

i consider your feelings, the pull

of the sirens in the night sky,

but i-i have died every night

just to pull your weight and

bring love and warmth to those

i love. i did the same for you,

but you did not see it as that.

you do not love me, nor do

you care, so as of now,

i must bid you farewell.

the pull of the tides brought

tears to his eyes as he nodded

just the same and reclused

into welcoming dark,

their time did not keep them

apart, it was the swelling

of her heart.