You claim you understand

how I feel when I'm in pain

But you don't understand

one single thing

You don't see me cry at night

And you don't see the pain

That is slowly driving me insane

You don't see how I hate myself

And how it tears me down

How I fall and always hit the ground

All you see is fake

the smiles and laughs and "I'm okays"

Because I know no one is here to stay

You don't understand me

because all you see

Is the me I try to sell

I'm alone and you don't care

How can you ever understand

When you're the one who tears me down

My mind’s eyes

turns to the skies.

My soul’s clocking out,

train of thought breaking route.

Blinking and breathing are now optional,

But questioning everything is now operational.

I know I need to focus and do work,

but now nothing can work.

This coping allies

my mind’s eyes.

Cold & lonely I lie here awake

Toying by myself with what decision to make

Trying to remember just what's at stake

Lingering still is the touch of your hand

Your scent & your sounds, how much more can I stand

I'm realizing now things aren't as I planned

Like a poison doubt writhes inside my soul

Yes being without you is taking its toll.

I can see now I’ve lost all control

Never by my side, always alone am I

In the beginning there were signs

but I chose not to acknowledge them

I buckled-up on the roller coaster ride of love

with eyes wide open, throwing my hands in the air

Surrendering to whatever would come

He was handsome and gallant

I was naive

I wanted the fairytale

and he provided the book

Together we would fill the pages

Those early years passed quickly

filled with passion and anticipation

Gloriously wild and free, life revolved

around him and me

My Knight in shinning armour

He came from over-seas

Everything about him was

mesmorizing, tantalizing

And then just like that on a nondescript day

he dropped the bomb,

the ultimatum!

In retrospect,

not an easy decision for a starry-eyed girl

Follow him and live over-seas

or accept the unthinkable

Already in love, infatuated,

wanting the fairytale, afraid to lose the future

I followed

Surrendering my goals

along with everyone and everything I knew

I would become a wife without ever being a bride

Young and married by the law

No wedding, no reception

and in the end

no recollection!

It's a watermelon smoothie

Taste crisp and refreshing

Tip back the glass and

Feel the cold stretching

Sinking then slithering

Deep into your chest

Breathe no more

A lasting, choked rest

A poison drink

That dripping sink

You hear every leak of water

It rings through your soul

An empty black hole

Waiting so kindly for slaughter

*Sidenote: this is something I wrote a couple of years ago about being alone. I'm still here, still alone, but still alive.*

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, but I think I’m finally ready to start again, at least for now.  I can’t sleep.  I’ve had too many thoughts, most of them about trivial matters just like any other normal human being.

Lately I keep thinking about how old I am.  I’m 27 now.  I know it’s not a huge number, but to me it hurts.  It hurts because I am constantly reminded that the majority of those years I have been alone.  Not alone in the sense of being without family or friends, more in the sense of singleness.  I know that I’m not the only one who has been or is still single for as long as I have, so yeah… this is for those that can relate.

It is terrifying.  Each year that passes is another year of having to be used to being alone.  Each year you become more independent, more set in your ways.  Each year you go without important physical contact like holding hands, cuddling, reassuring back rubs, generally just someone being there for you.  And each year you begin to lose more friends and family to marriage and/or children.  Not saying that last one is a horrible thing, I mean they’re happy and sure you might still see them, but it becomes increasingly hard for them to be there in times you really need them most.

All of these things I have felt or still feel, and I know they can be selfish thoughts.  Loneliness can do that to a person.  Sometimes I tune it out making myself numb, and other times like tonight my singleness is like a heavy weight.  My own personal hell.  I know it shouldn’t be a burden, most times I love not having to answer to anyone.  I love having the peace and quiet.  But I also know that the longer I am alone, the louder my belief that I am unlovable becomes.

I start to think “Maybe I really am ugly”, or “I must really be unbearable to be around.”  All of my insecurities resurface and the idea of trying to date is impossible to comprehend.  When I think about how I’ve been alone for so long, I worry if I tried dating that it’d be almost unfair for them.  The older you get the harder it is to find someone who can handle your baggage and vice versa.  I would need someone with a lot of patience to be able to put up with me.  I’d have to relearn everything, even small things like how to react if they tried holding my hand.  I’m just not used to most physical contact.  It’s not that I’m shy or naive, touching just generally freaks me out now.

*Sigh* All of my issues aside, I think the most poisonous thing in my many years of singleness is people pushing the “Someday you’ll find true love, just wait for it like I did!”  I honestly want to punch them in the face now.  It’s almost along the lines of “good things come to those who wait”, or “God will bless you if you trust in Him.”  What a slap to people who do all of these things and never get what most consider “blessings”.  FYI read the Bible and what Jesus says are blessings.  Whenever someone says that crap to me now I think of my brother Stu.  He died of cancer at 22, single.  He did not get a wedding, he did not get children.  But he was old enough to want all of that.  I just wish that people would tell the truth.

This is the truth.  For those of you who are single and have tried waiting, or tried praying for the right one: Maybe you’ve done everything under the sun to find someone you can stand to love… the thing is, it might never happen to you.  You could end up dying young like my brother (harsh but true), or maybe you will find someone but it could take you 30+ years… You just have to learn to be okay with that.  Believe you me, I know how hard it is to just accept that your state of singleness could be permanent.  It sucks giant balls.  Sorry for the crudeness but I don’t know how else to put it, so I’ll leave you with this.

My age not only reminds me that I’ve been alone for so long, it reminds me that I once told myself (and God) that if I was still single by the time I reached 25, I would end it all.  I couldn’t bare the idea that I was getting older and still no one wanted me for more than just my body.  And yet here I am, 2 years later.  I’m still learning to accept it.  Some days are easier than others.  But maybe someday I’ll fully realize that some luxuries are not meant for everyone.  And that’s okay.

A girl likes to be left alone with her thoughts.

The thoughts that makes her life beautiful.

The thoughts that keeps her occupied.

The thoughts that makes her high on life

The thoughts that keeps her inner self-esteem.

The thoughts that makes her world go round.

But these thoughts never make her feel alone.

I’m asking questions outloud

Questions like “Where is everyone now?”

no one will think im mad for talking outloud

cause no one is here anyways

im looking around the room

my eyes have traced the same space of wall

over and over again

and the gut that is yanked backwards through my body

is but yet another night

i accept the pure raw pain

like the craziest wind storm

that you are suffering from

and i forgot that night

when the next day

i found myself asking again

“where is everyone?”