FINCHÉ C’È VITA, C’È SPERANZA
Hope. An overwhelming feeling. But fear is worse, for it...
It simply hunts you down... buries you alive... a dominating emotion, so much...
Pain. Pain and suffering but... Hope...
Hope can prevail, surely...
Surely it can overcome fear...
Because hope and fear coexist, as if the night and day of emotion...
Fear is... Powerful. And hope is, simply...
Those who feel hopeful... Are blinded.
Delusional... Fearful of losing it.
But, hope is...
Hope is life, because...
As long as there is life, there is hope...
But... what is life?
formerly (last summer pt. ii)
to all the people i once knew--
i wish i could say that i missed you. i wish i could say that tears were flowing down my face as i drove away, but the only adornment in my eyes was the spark of freedom that drove me ever onward. mom, i wish i could've been the son you always wanted, the one that would have stayed and made you proud. yet i was always the free one, finding my refuge in the trees by the riverbank. your expectations smothered me. promise me you won't smother max. to my little m, i wish i could be there to watch you grow up, to hold your hand and guide you through all the life shit that's headed your way. i'm so sorry i won't be there for you, but i hope that when you grow up you will come to understand why i can never return. just know that i will always be out there cheering you on and encouraging you to keep fighting. please forgive me. dearest jaclyn, oh, how i wish you weren't so damn stubborn. you should've come with me. we could have traveled the world, but fear held you back. may you always find peace in your decision.
i can count on two hands the number of times i've tried to write something here. i wish we could talk as intimately as we used to, but i suppose that was just another thing that you took with you when you ran off last summer.
the memory of us burns red-hot in my mind, replaying over and over again as i try to pinpoint where we went wrong. was it one of the early mornings when we walked along the beach, planning our future and making promises neither of us could keep? was it whispering numerous secrets, stargazing beneath the thick blanket of the virginia heavens? or was it the sudden yet expected presence of the three words we'd been dancing around for three years? i write this on the cliff we used to call home, where we would stand on the edge and let the wind rush to greet us, lifting the hair curled at the nape of your neck and feeling the adrenaline of knowing that one misstep would send us floating to the crashing waves below. as cliche as it is, i reminisce. not because it hurts but because the memory of you makes the pain worthy. even now, i struggle to remember you as you were last june, before the anxiety clouded your judgment and began to control you. i wish you would've told me. i would have understood, i swear. i wish i could've noticed, when the creases on your forehead became just another part of you, when you stopped paying attention to the birds in the trees and the water nipping at your toes. i wish i could've gone with you. i wish...
gosh, i miss you so much. but, i understand why you left. and now, i think i am beginning to understand why you couldn't tell me. and i suppose, in time, i might be able to forgive you.
i only hope that you will ever be able to forgive me.
Questions in a Troubled Mind
Is our reality a controlled hallucination? Do we actually have a physical existence or are we merely four dimensional thoughts? Is our consciousness actually just a continuance of our unconscious mind? What is behind the perception of our perspective? Is our reality created by our necessities? Is it all simply adaptive reality? Are we all irreducible representations of the symmetries of space time?
Questions that I ponder when the stress piles up in my life. I don’t know the exact answers to these questions, a lot are based on theoretical ideas and some like the problems in my life are transitory. They help me not to dwell on the negative and to work towards the positive. No matter how complicated it gets.
To Honor What You Feel
If you do anything today, I hope you give yourself space to honor what you feel. Whatever it is that you feel.
Feel what you do even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. Even if someone says you’re not supposed to feel the way you do. Even if another person alive couldn’t relate to what you’re feeling. Feel it anyway.
Feel what you do even if it’s ugly and messy and rough around the edges. Even if it’s the worst of you. Even if you’re afraid to hear what the pain has to say. Even if you’d rather pretend you didn’t feel a damn thing and be numb. Feel it anyway.
Feel what you feel even if it’s silly. Even if it’s joy you have to celebrate alone. Even if it’s little and quirky and only for you. Feel it anyway.
I want you to lean into feeling even when it’s scary and doesn’t make sense to you. I want you to grab feeling by its hand and explore its inner workings together. I want you to ask questions. I want you to be okay without answers. I want you to wonder. I want you to think. I want you to be curious about the darkness. I want you to embrace the quiet. I want you to enjoy the lightness.
I want you to be absolutely enveloped by feeling because that is why you’re alive. That is why you are here. To feel everything you do and feel it deeply. Because to do otherwise is a betrayal to your heart, to your humanity, to yourself.
I hope you give yourself space to honor what you feel because you deserve to experience your own emotions. You owe it to yourself and your life to actually experience it fully. Besides, you can't ignore what is demanding to be heard forever.
- by Collective World, Thought Catalog
(wanted to share it, in hopes it will move others too)
Reading this really moved me, and made me think more about how I handle my feelings and especially my pain, and the things that make me too uncomfortable because they hurt to pick them up from the ground,
that you would rather bury them instead "because it's easier".
I think it's in our nature to divide our feelings in the "good" and the "bad" category... but in honesty, if we do that, we just end up in a bigger mess of feelings that we started with. I think its about stopping considering some feelings negative, therefor putting them aside because it's hard and "well, no one wants to feel THAT, so let's not" approach.
I have a big difficulty expressing the feelings that make me uncomfortable, and it takes a lot of my energy to let them out, because I always fight them. It's is something that became a habit of mine by now and it's difficult not to fall under that pressure
(yes, a pressure that I put on myself, so surviving would be easier, so it would be harder to get hurt again).
But it's never easy, because one day you come across someone that opens doors, that crushes your walls or at least crumbles your foundation, slowly brick by damaged brick. And the light feels intoxicating and brings a gust of fresh, unpolluted air, but it also brings the chill that comes with that wind. With the wind that makes the things that you hid so well, resurface.
The hurt, the pain, the sadness, the heartbreak that colored your past so many times. All the things that you neatly stacked in shelves and that you locked away in the basement. Leaving those things in the darkness, happily letting them cover with mold and dirt over time and each passing year. But now all of that is slowly being EXPOSED and it fills you up with dread because now, you actually have to TALK about it, you have discuss it, leaving your armor and your protection in a corner in that basement and adjust to the light that's coming in.
Whenever I am faced with letting out pain and hurt, whenever there are too many tears coming to make it possible to breathe properly, I crumble. And it's not a pretty picture, no it never is. It's that moment that I hate the most, the moment that makes me feel the worst possible thing in my dictionary... it makes me feel weak. And with the feeling of weakness, comes the sensation of being helpless, of being unprotected and opened to any possible wounds and damages that can come my way. Me, the exposed animal in a forest with no trees. Scared of being caught up with too many feelings to and not knowing if I can stay above the surface of the water, of the waves that always come out of nowhere and want to swallow me whole.
The thing is, those feelings scare me, because I let them scare me, I let them grow like a giant in a child's nightmare, blowing everything out of proportion. The feelings that I don't want to expose are real, and cause me so many things. But the truth is that I have to let that giant return to its natural size. I don't know how long that would take, fully aware that it will cause many tides of feelings that are considered the bad ones, the negative little monsters that we fear.
But the one thing I do know, that it will be worth it.
Living in fear, is not living. It's just making it through a day, again, and again, and again. But I want more than that, I want to face my demons, my fears, my pain.
It will be a long journey, and there will be many walls to break through, but I have stepped on this road already, and I want to continue it until the new light no longer blinds me, until the wind no longer chills me. Until the light brings me warmth.
Would time bend willingly to command?
The plains be plain for sailors to merry.
The sea as blue- do the winds reprimand?
In time do these ships aloft as wind carry.
The sailors plea do Poseidon glee.
If poets do sing, then heaven befell.
Trancing the waves of the sea.
Galleons- boy do they stand through hell.
Of war they hear but dun mistress they speak.
The shores lay unkindly far.
In end yet but bleak.
A voyage that be graved in stars.
Whatever does lie beyond the horizons?
May they strand further than the sirens.
Afoul after affair. Afraid after affray. Aflame after afire. Afar after afoot. Afflux after afloat.
Different Shades of Love
Listless, lustful love loses luster.
Lost love leaves languishing lacerations.
Last love's labor lingers longest.
Past 7:30 in the evening
Shining golden full moon in the midst of rain clouds
Balcony on a second floor house without any lights
A windless rain
Scent of fabric softener from sundried laundry lingering on the air
A low volume slowed version song on repeat
A cold coffee
Cold breeze in passing ever so slightly
Muffled voices from somewhere along the darkness
A passing lightning with silent thunder
Sometimes vehicles pass by, leaving a yellow silhouette
Heavy breathing of my own
The moon slowly shrouded by dark clouds
It was a sight to behold,
Watching its light vanish in instant.
Everything taking place in a second
As the song blended in smoothly
The rain pouring it all out
And in a moment, there was silence between echoing rain drops
Leaving everything behind with a sudden blackout.
Another moment pass
Beneath the bright moonlight shines a small clearing in between clouds,
Welcoming a lone star.
A blinding lightning
And a delayed roaring thunder,
Making the walls vibrate along.
August 11, 2022