I'm writing this to you only because you're the only person I can talk to who won't judge me or my situations without careful thought. I rely on you as an outlet to all of my internal pain that I keep bottled in. I know I shouldn't do that. That's why you're reading this now. Please make sure that this stays purely between us, even if you do want to tell someone. But that would jeopardize too much for my family. I can't have that.
Even though I'll be smiling and joking around tomorrow at school, that's just the facade I'll be forcing out. On the inside, I'm an extremely sad person with more negative thoughts about myself than positive. I feel like I'm a waste of talent, a horrible sister, and an awful daughter. I wake up wishing that I can just go back to sleep because I feel that, while awake, I'll ruin someone's life today. I am afraid of failure and being alone; both of those things have shaped me into the person who I am today. You'll learn about this person now.
Tonight, I accidentally clogged a toilet in the house, resulting in a flood. My Dad (who you know has been ignoring me for the past week) continued to ignore me when I came to him for help. Then he yelled at me to get the fuck away from him; to stop annoying him. That's another fear of mine-- I'm afraid of annoying people because then I'll push them away and I'll be alone.
I turned off the water, stopped the leak, cleaned whatever flooded on both floors. But the drywall separating the bathroom and the basement collapsed. That costs money. And there's water damage. More money. My mistake resulted in the tensions in the house to rise drastically and for Dad to send Mom a text that greatly offended her. Why did he do that? Because when he's angry at something, he's angry at the entire world.
Mom came home enraged. She had me come upstairs to where Dad and my little brother were and broke down in tears. Leaving work early resulted in her getting a probation notice, something that may greatly risk her ability to graduate doctorate school in three months. All of those five years would have been wasted. She seemed to make it very clear that her stress was solely on me.
Dad called me pathetic and stupid and dumb. To him, I'm those things, plus a dyke, a loser, trash, a waste of time and more awful things that fester in my mind 24/7. I deserve those remarks. I deserve the times he's hit me and the times where I've feared for my life. I deserve Mom's tears and how unhappy I've made her. I deserve knowing the fact that I've ruined this family and that it'll never be the same again.
Which leads back to me. What role do I play? How do I feel? Where will this go?
(This part is the hardest to admit. Please don't tell anyone what I say.)
I think about killing myself everyday. I think that, if I died, my family will be happier. There would be no yelling, stress, or agony. There would be no wars in the house between members. There would be no more passing the blame or sadness. Dad would feel more fulfilled with his life. Mom would graduate and be happy.
Trust me when I say that I do believe suicide is selfish and wrong. And I know that people will hurt if I left, so that's why I haven't done anything stupid. I'm not stupid. I'm not selfish. I'm afraid of being associated with those things. Things that Dad has said to be with no shame or regrets.
But today I stared at the pills in the medicine cabinet and wondered how long it would take before I passed. I wondered if my parents would come downstairs in time to see my body and call an ambulance. I wonder that, if they knew how I truly felt, then we'd be closer. They'd know I'm dedicated to fixing us. They'd know I want them to be happy. They'd know that I'd sacrifice anything just to make things right.
I keep my thoughts and feelings bottled up. I put a smile on my face whenever I walk out the door. As if everything's okay. As if I'm happy. But it's not. I'm not.
I don't talk about my problems because problems have negative connotation which leads to stress. So I'm sorry if I'm stressing you. Trust me when I say that I have no plans of doing anything stupid. I just need to talk sometimes. Something I can't keep what's bothering me inward. But I don't keep a diary because then I'll just go back and reread my earlier entries and feel sad all over again because I'm so blue.
Then sometimes I think that my problems are stupid. There's kids starving in Failed States or in cities just like this one. Kids in Syria are shooting people because they're so desperate to survive. Kids are actually being abused and torn up. People are sick with diseases that they can't cute. Why should I feel and think the way I do when I could be living in a far worse situation? Why am I so selfish and unaccountable for the things I do and say? Why do I do things that make my parents upset or disappointed? What's wrong with me?
I wish I had the answers to these questions. But that's why I'm writing to you, hoping for some insight from an outsider. Maybe you, the person who knows me so well, can tell me what you understand and what you've comprehended from my confession. Just remember that I am one of three people with my own side of the story to tell. My side might even be wrong. Be as unbiased as possible. And please don't think that my parents are awful people.
If anything, I want my parents to know that I love them so much. But I wish they'd realize that I have feelings, too. Even I get sad. Even I get angry. I was disappointed when no one came to the musical to see how hard me and my teammates worked. I get upset when they unintentionally undervalue my feelings.
If my feelings were an object, I'd be a kitchen sink. I drain. I spray. I flood. I dirty. I clean. But not everyone understands that it's not always good to dump garbage down the disposal. Sometimes I just want to be rinsed out and taken care of.
If you read this far without crying, kudos. I felt rather emotional writing this myself. Again, don't tell anyone what I said. And, considering how this is a letter, you can write back if you want to. Just don't say your response out loud if you have one. Thanks so much for taking this time to read this. I hope I didn't upset or annoy you with my bullshit lol.