Nothing feels as true as this

Soft fulfilling our first kiss

Living so relaxed with you

Basking in the morning dew

There is no shame of anything

Even wakened faces seen

Holding hands when we are old

Rings of trust that are gold

Have no beginnings and no ends

Eternal lovers, constant friends

We are now a family

Forever bonded you and me

Every now and then, I want to be alone. I need it. The world can be sometimes overwhelming and being alone can help.

Sitting on my bed, eyes closed, listening to soft music. What a bliss! Just me and my thoughts, the soothing feeling of not having to pretend. Letting my guards down and just being. No need to talk. No need to live up to anybody's expectations.

Oh, how calm that makes me feel! How relaxed!

But people don't see it that way. They think: "Being alone is so depressing!" But they're wrong. Alone doesn't mean lonely.

When you're lonely, you feel abandoned. You don't have anybody around to make you feel better. Lonely is dark. It's a hole you're falling in, desperate and so, so sorrowful.

Alone is different. You can be alone and not feel lonely. Just as you can be lonely when surrounded by people. Alone is a state. Lonely is a feeling.

I'm not lonely.

I love being alone.

Why do I only seem to write when I’m in weird moods? I only seem to write and rant and say what I’m actually thinking when I’m in a spiral of nonsense, anxiety, and sadness. SO let me try and break that chain at 1 in the morning.

Things that make me happy

-Puppies- Because I am not a monster.

-Sugar- Because I am highly addicted.

-Caffeine - Refer to the above line.

-Comforters that you’ve had for years- They are so soft without being too thick or too thin. Like the couch blanket of the comforters.

-Books- I know you guys are shocked. I take them, I read them, and then I reread them ten million more times.

- REALLY LOUD MUSIC- If my car is not shaking I don’t think its loud enough.

- Cheesy 90s shows- Charmed, Xena, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I got a thing for heroines and relationships that seem to come before saving the world and always have makeout scenes when you really should be more focused on the giant apocalyptic monster.

-Harry Potter- Been to Harry Potter world three times now. I cried with joy each time. I am not ashamed.

- Annoying people- Frustration is hilarious when it is not me.

That’s kind of my list. I mena I’m sure there’s more things I can’t think of right now, but this is a good start for me not just writing and being creative when I am upset. I have good days too, they just get lost in the spiraling and the self-pity.

I spotted you sitting,

A smile on your face,

Gazing at the sky

In a world of your own.

I wondered then how you were,

What you were thinking.

What was making you smile,

A smile that stole my heart.

The breeze blew your hair,

A strawberry curtain concealing your face

For just a few seconds,

Then that smile again.

And then your phone rang,

And your smile quickly faded,

Replaced by a sadness

That tore up my heart.

You listened in silence,

Then hung up the phone.

Your head in your hands,

My ears heard your sobs.

I wanted to hold you,

To swallow your pain,

But I knew it was futile,

I was no use at all.

As that train hit me,

I pictured your face

As I saw it just now,

Adorned with a smile.

But now you have heard,

How I met my end;

And all I will see

Is your heartache and pain.

Until the world comes crashing down around you,

Until you can't keep track of reality,

Until you are ready to break..

Don't you dare tell me what you think,

Don't tell me everything is going to be okay,

Don't tell me you understand,

Don't tell me to get over it.

You don't understand a damn thing.

Do you understand how hard it is to get up in the morning?

Do you understand how hard it is to get dressed in something other than sweats?

Do you understand how hard it is to do anything with yourself?

Do you understand how hard it is to go into public and smile?

Do you understand how much I don't want to do anything?

Unless you understand how much my chest hurts,

From nights of crying myself to sleep,

Unless you understand that my brain can't focus on a thing,

Unless you understand that I am just so exhausted,

Physically,

Mentally,

Emotionally,

Unless you understand how I just don't care anymore.

I don't need your advice,

I don't need you to tell me it'll be alright,

I don't need you to coddle me,

I don't need you to feel sorry for me.

I'll be fine eventually,

I'll be able to smile and laugh,

Eventually you'll never even be able to tell anything was wrong in the first place.

I'll be able to breathe,

Finally..

#poetry #newpoem #sad #powerful #strong #new

The floor trembled as I felt a powerful presence sidle up to the bar and plop down beside me.

“I’ll have a bowl of conch chowder with a Kalik beer and keep the beers coming.” his loud voice boomed.

The time was in the mid 1930’s and I was nursing a beer at the Compleat Angler in Bimini, Bahamas at 11:30 in the morning, trying to cure a hangover from the night before, when Ernest Hemingway sat down beside me.

“Whatcha doing in Bimini?” I asked, trying to start a conversation with this colorful character.

“I’m tired of sitting down at my typewriter and bleeding,” he laughed in reply. “I like to swim, eat, drink, work, read and talk but I can’t drink while I’m working or I’ll never get anything done! My motto is To Have and Have Another.

I knew him by his reputation as a famous writer but he was not at all intimidating. In fact, he jousted with me as if he were an old friend. Since his notoriety preceded him, I realized that he was most at home on a barstool.

“If you want to know a culture, spend a night in its bars,” he joked. “I try to remember to always do sober what I said I’d do drunk to teach myself to keep my mouth shut!”

“Are you enjoying your stay in Bimini?” I asked trying to keep up the conversation with this revered man.

“Well,” he chuckled, “I Iike to fish, fight and drink, so this little corner of heaven in perfect!”

As I looked around the Compleat Angler Bar and Hotel, I noticed pictures of Hemingway plastered on the walls holding out marlins, tuna and swordfish, showing his bravado and ruggedness! There was a much-repeated myth of him being “King” on Bimini!

“I’m writing a novel,” he intoned, “called Islands in the Stream but it’s taking longer than I thought it would because there are too many temptations here." At that moment, a beautiful Hispanic girl sat down beside him and kissed him with familiarity.

Soon, I noticed them both drinking dry martinis and paying attention only to each other. I left the bar, joining some friends on their boat and never saw him again.

In 1961, I was saddened to read that Hemingway died of a self-inflicted shotgun wound in Ketchum, Idaho which his fourth wife claimed was accidental. His novel, Islands in the Stream, penned in Bimini was released posthumously, found among his works by his wife. His last words ever uttered were, “Goodnight, Kitten!” I felt like I had lost a friend.

Footnote: The bar so loved by Hemingway, The Compleat Angler burned to the ground on Friday the 13th, 2006. I felt almost like it was playing homage to its favorite customer! (How could it continue to go on without him?"

I am unhappy with the way things turned out to be and that’s on me. I broke oceans and seas and let our love go extinct like the honeybees because I didn’t care for the taste. What a waste of a year. I’m sorry for the times I kissed you and didn’t mean it and held your hand when I really didn’t want you here. My mistake. It’s just that I didn’t know how to take a heart and hold it tenderly for so long, like an egg-baby. I slipped. It fell. But I hope you’re doing well.