I was drunk on cheap vodka and sobered by your coffee eyes and all of a sudden all at once I spoke the words I swore to never say and I knew you would reciprocate the moment my lips moved against your neck, whispering, admitting. and here we are forcing ourselves to forget the honesty of last night and I can still feel the tattoos traced into my skin by your fingertips, every inch of me is inked by your anxiety of my exit which again we deny despite its inevitability and I claim to be casual while my mind is crowded by your proximity and the inkling that leaving you will be more like tearing off a scab than a band aid and the addiction of your skin will be my downfall. you've disregarded protocol and in the process of learning me you're making an enemy of yourself, stunted by the realization that no matter how tight your grip is I will either float away or fall to pieces. I am not one to be satisfied by monotony and despite doubt I demand the remarkable and such expectation that you could never satisfy the ambition of my organs or the determination which my existence has required. who are you to hold on to a sparrow, who am I to fly away?

(afraid to grow up) i hate how everything’s changed

i’m in love with a girl

and yet i’m kissing boys who don’t love me at all

i like to pretend she’s still mine

occasionally

maybe she thinks of me

yet she doesn't exist anywhere but in my own head.

and i don’t say anything to the boy

who kisses me as if he can’t breathe

gasping-as my hands meet his.

i’d love him

if i could forget her

it’s ruining me

I woke up this morning and looked out the window to find only the color

black

looking down on me.

I took a shower and let the water wash away the ink on my arm

black

words slipping down the drain.

I dressed myself from heel to head and though I looked sharp it was only because

black

doesn't show stains.

I almost raised the flag outside my porch but the colors had faded into monotone

black

shades and stripes.

If someone drew my blood today

I have a feeling I'd bleed

black.

I ate nothing but broken glass for weeks

what are these words I've tangled in my spine

I swore I was to leave you all behind

got shards of porcelain stuck between my teeth

you'll never know the whispers my palms keep

of days our hands were always intertwined

of days we thought I'd always call you mine

someday I'll have the truth someday I'll weep

but maybe I don't really wish to learn

the bottle's always sweeter than the beer

you always fall asleep before I do

I watch as like a wave you toss and turn

I wait to see you slowly disappear

someday I'll melt away like morning dew

hand over hand over heart

watch just watch as I slip apart

sinking and winking

clinking and drinking

running my hands through you

running water

sitting glue

hold on hold me hold on

hanging and hinging

starving and binging

I have lived life with a high tolerance for pain and I wonder what it would be like if I felt it all

what it would be like if I let myself fall

but I haven't the time to slip

slip slap slop drop drip drop tick tock

I wish to take myself apart and put myself back together again in hope of fixing the perpetual ache of my engine but I can't quite find any edges to pry apart

there are cracks in my sanity but no matter how deep my fingernails dig there is nothing beneath my skin but honeycomb and cotton

forget forget forgotten

undo me and discover the things buried beneath layers of denial

empty epiphany entity eloise

I dreamed a dream

sinking slipping sipping drunk sunk fuck

spilling secrets with my own ears plugged

I'm not asking for a savior I'm not asking for a favor I just wish you wanted to

I can do just fine on my own

I don't feel any pain

and I'm damn good at walking away

Another day but the same bull crap.

Depression.

Anxiety.

People judging me. People hating.

Parents disappointing me and family talking about one another. Someone this young shouldn't go through as much as I have but at the end of the day it makes me want to make myself a better person and prove everyone wrong. I've become stronger.

That's something I like to tell myself but in all honesty I'm breaking more and more everyday.

If you could read my mind you'd be in tears.