i must tell you, darling;

you've made quite the deposit

in my bank.

the flowers and cute sayings-

and, oh, your

killer grilled cheese sandwiches!

how i miss those sandwiches...

i promise;

i've even tried meditation-

'hummm, himmm- oh crap,

here we go again!'

i cant't get you out if my head!

your sweet disposition;

oh, how ironic!

and the tension between our hearts:

almost ionic!

just go away,

be the thunder to

someone else's lightening...

or come back and be the

sunshine to my blue sky?

Christ, i can't make up my mind.

Sincerely, Heart-Wrenched Me.

this carousel

going round and round

in reverse

taking my ceramic heart with it.

my mind

being shattered and blown

all wrong

stop thinking of

all

that

blood.

my soul's

dipped in the fucking stuff:

wiped clean

smells like insanity.

When Rebecca went missing, she took a piece of all of us with her; Luke, Elle, Katelyn, James, Rachel and me. Looking back, I guess she took some of the best pieces, but also the worst: our friendship.

None of us had talked for years, except for the occasional 'hello' in the halls. Which is why when Luke Michael came up to me this morning, I almost walked away.

"Delia," he'd called down the school hallway, Elle Richardson in his trail.

I looked around- he couldn't be talking to ME Delia, could he? "Luke?" I asked. "Elle?"

"Something's happened," Elle said frantically.

"Something... As in what, exactly?" I questioned.

"It doesn't matter, come with us," Luke said, grabbing my arm and turning to walk away.

I would've protested, but it was good to see them, hear them, touch them. It was almost like a dream, one I'd had so many times about us all reuniting again after Rebecca; our glue; gave up on us.

Luke pulled me hurriedly down the hallway, zigzagging around our classmates and teachers. I wondered if any of them saw us and wondered about what we were doing together again, like I was.

We rounded one last corner before Luke and Elle peeled off of me into the Principal's Office. 'This is weird...' I thought to myself.

I entered the room right behind them and almost passed out: James and Rachel, who had been together for almost three years and had been the only two to keep in touch since Rebecca left, sat holding hands on the couch next to an angry-faced Katelyn. My breathing quickened as my eyes flickered from face to face pondering: 'Is this all a dream? Are we really all here- and if we are, why? Is Luke's cancer back? Is Rebecca back?'

Principal Hall cleared his throat and brought me back to reality, where Elle and Luke had taken a seat and there were six heads, including them, all glaring in my direction. I lowered my head and took a seat next to Katelyn, who tensed in response.

We all turned our attention to Principal Hall: "Good afternoon, it's good to see you all."

A chorus of mumbled responses slipped from the lips of me and my ex-friends.

"Well... You must all be wondering why you're here..." When none of us said anything, he continued. "This is about Rebecca Vaughn,"

The room tensed. I looked over at Luke to see Elle inch her hand into his, their eyes and faces cast down.

"I'm sorry, you were her friends, correct? The-"

"Yes," I blurted out. "We were her friends, just... a long time ago, before-"

"Before she left. Without saying goodbye. The day after my cancer cleared," Luke spat.

Principal Hall's eyes widened and he cleared his throat again. Elle gave Luke's hand a squeeze. "I see..." Hall said. He shook his head as if shrugging off the awkward fog that now surrounded the room. "Look, there is no easy way to say this. .. Ah, before I tell you, I need to pass these out."

Principal Hall reached behind him for a stack of envelopes. "Rachel Garner," He announced, and Rachel reached up to grab her envelope. "Do not open it," He winked. "James Carson, Luke Michael and Delia Lawson," James, Luke and I all grabbed our letters. "Katelyn Black and Elle Richardson," Katelyn and Elle reached for their respective envelopes.

"What is this about?" James asked, staring at the envelope in his shaky hand.

I peered at mine: a white envelope with ice-blue writing addressed to me. But I froze: 'Ice-blue pen and loopy A's, W's and D's? This was Rebecca's handwriting.

"Mr. Carson, I'm sorry to inform you- all of you- that Rebecca Vaughn has been killed," The room was still, and silent. Mr. Hall continued: "She was found wrists bound, with twenty-two anti-depression pills in her system and slit wrists, ankles and neck in an abandoned house over 1,000 miles away from her home in California,"

"California," Luke breathed. Mr. Hall nodded. Knowing where Rebecca had gone almost made us angrier. "Dead?" He said.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Michael. I understand you and her had a... Special connection a few years ago before she left,"

Luke turned tomato red. "Uh, yeah, I guess," he said.

Luke and Rebecca had dated eleven months: all through his cancer, and Chemotherapy. They'd been the closest of all of us, and even won Cutest Couple for our grade.

"What do these... Letters have to do with Rebecca?" Elle asked.

"Those were found at her home. They'd been left there the day before she went missing: three days before she died and five days before she was found. Her parents found them sealed and addressed to you," A deep voice said. A tall man in a police uniform entered the room. "Detective Presley," He introduced himself.

I swallowed. "You mean... Rebecca wrote theses as... Suicide letters?"

"Ms. Lawson I'm afraid that's not so," Mr. Hall said.

"The police have found evidence of struggle," Detective Presley explained. "Rebecca Vaughn was kidnapped and murdered,"

My heart went cold. I was numb and breathless. Rebecca was... Murdered? But everyone loved Rebecca! Until she left...

"Who did it?" Rachel pushed.

"I'm afraid we cannot yet confirm who, exactly, but we are working on suspects," Presley said. "After you open your envelopes, we can get started with those as evidence," He reached over James' shoulder and patted his letter.

"C-can we have some privacy?" Elle asked, ever the calmest.

Presley nodded. "Of course, call us in when you're done or if you need us." He smiled with no teeth, and took Mr. Hall out into the hallway.

For a moment, no one spoke. We just stared at each other, shocked, unsure of quite what was going on. "Well, this is kind of insane," Rachel broke the silence.

Nervous laughter filled the air. "Well... I guess we should probably open these," Luke said.

Elle nodded. "Uh, everyone read their own and then we can share afterwards, okay?" She said.

We all mumble yes's and begin tearing open the envelopes. I carefully open mine so not to rip anything.

I pull out a piece of white paper, written in the same blue ink. DEILS, it was addressed to:

WOW, HAS IT REALLY BEEN THREE YEARS SINCE I LEFT? I GUESS IT HAS... I HEARD RACHEL AND JAMES ARE STILL TOGETHER. THAT'S GREAT, I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM!

TO BEGIN, I KNOW YOU ARE ANGRY WITH ME FOR LEAVING. BUT, DELIA, I'VE NEVER QUITE BEEN ABLE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF. SO, AS I SIT HERE PREPARING TO DIE, I AM GOING TO TRY.

HERE GOES NOTHING: SOMEONE HAS BEEN THREATENING ME SINCE LUKE'S CHEMO BEGAN. I'M NOT SURE IF THAT IS WHAT STARTED IT, BUT WHOEVER IT WAS THREATENED ME, HIM. YOU. ELLE, KATELYN, JAMES, RACHEL. ALL OF YOU.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO I SHUT YOU OUT; I COULDN'T LIVE WITH MYSELF IF HE HURT ANY OF YOU.

WHEN YOUR CALLS AND TEXTS SEIZED AND YOU VOLUNTARILY UNFOLLOW-ED MY SOCIAL MEDIAS, IT HIT ME: I WAS TRULY ALONE; I'D SUCCESSFULLY UNFRIENDED YOU ALL. AND BECAUSE LUKE WAS OFFICIALLY OKAY, I LEFT. MY MOTHER GOT A JOB IN CALIFORNIA AND I HAD NO REASON TO STAY ANYMORE.

BUT THE THREATS FOLLOWED ME. THEY GOT HARSHER AND DARKER UNTIL THEY CAME DAILY AND I ALMOST NEVER LEFT MY ROOM.

I WAS SO SCARED, BUT NOT ANYMORE.

HE WARNED ME; HE'S COMING FOR ME TOMORROW. I AM OKAY WITH IT; I'M TIRED OF LIVING IN FEAR. SO I WILL DIE.

BUT DEAR GOD, I CANNOT LET MY DEATH GO AS A QUESTION, AND THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN FIGURE OUT WHO HAS BEEN THREATENING ME IS YOU AND THE OTHERS SITTING AROUND YOU. PLEASE, PLEASE DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME: FIND THE GUY(S?) WHO ARE THREATENING ME BEFORE THEY FIND YOU.

I UNDERSTAND IF YOU WON'T HELP, BUT I AM TRULY SORRY. I LOVE YOU GUYS, AND I'M BEGGING YOU TO HELP ME. PLEASE. LUKE WILL KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. GOODBYE, DELIA.

XX, REBECCA <3

When I looked up from the letter, their faces we're blurred from my tears. I wiped my eyes and realized I wasn't the only one crying. In fact, we all were.

I reached next to me for Katelyn's hand and grasped tightly. She followed suit with Rachel, who passed it to James, to Luke, to Elle, back to me. We all closed out eyes before looking shakily towards Luke.

"Luke," Rachel sniffled. "What do you know,"

His shoulders shook, his head in his hands. "Sh-she said she loved me," he cried. Elle rubbed his back; Rebecca had been his only love.

"Shh," Elle hushed him. We all sat silent again, waiting. But tears kept rushing down out cheeks with no stop, and I was getting restless.

"Luke," I whispered after a few minutes. He looked up at me with his big, blue doe eyes, and all I could see was fear. I smiled slightly, and nodded, confirming: 'It's okay, just tell us,'.

"Well, I guess-"

"Wait," James interrupted. "We're actually doing this? She left us, betrayed us! And even if she had a decent reason, she never even said goodbye," He stood up. "You can't be serious," He gestured to our softened expressions.

"James, she was our best friend," Katelyn said.

"Yeah, and she tore us apart,"

We all looked down: James was right. But for Rebecca, I coughed, raised my head and spoke: "And now she's dead," Their eyes' widened. "I guess she got what was coming for her, huh?" I added.

"Delia," Elle said, shocked.

Rachel nodded. "Easy, tiger." She said to Elle, who backed up. "Delia is right. She got what she deserved, in a twisted way, but she was our friend; and this is- was- her dying wish," She cringed and Elle reached again for Luke, instinctively.

James cleared his throat. "Alright," he sighed, throwing up his hands. "Luke, what do you know?"

He said it more like a statement than a question, almost accusingly. But it worked; Luke surrendered.

"I knew something was wrong," he began through more tears. "She told me some things were going on, that I wouldn't understand, but she wouldn't... Specify." He shook his head. "I should've pressed... I-I, I should've known!" He cried.

"Luke, we all should've seen it. Or, something, at least! It's not your fault," Katelyn said.

"I know, but... It is," Luke stared at the floor, not daring to look at our eyes. "I knew someone was threatening her," he admitted.

"What?" We all cried, confused and tired.

"I'm sorry, okay? She said it wasn't a big deal and not to worry about it, then I guess she... Lied. She said it stopped,"

"Well clearly it didn't," Rachel sneered.

"Hey," Elle warned. She turned. "Luke, you didn't know,"

"I could've saved her!" Luke sobbed. "But she left, and when I reached out she shoved me away! It's all my fault!"

"Luke, she didn't die until three years after she left, you couldn't have anything to do with her at that point," I said, trying to calm him down.

Luke guiltily looked at his shoes. "Unless..?" Katelyn challenged.

"I sent her emails continuously," Luke whispered. Elle looked like she'd been slapped, and Katelyn was taken aback. Rachel and James just stared blankly. "For months, until I realized: she's never coming back..." His voice cracked. "I stopped about one and a half years after she left," he bit his lip to keep from crying out.

"Well that's good, you weren't in contact when it happened," Elle offered.

Luke finally looked up. "She emailed me back the night before she died." He said. "She said that she had gotten a new email and never checked her old one, but that I needed to stop contacting her altogether. She told me that she was moving on and that I should too," He let out a sob. "She said it would be bad for both of us if I kept emailing..."

"Shit, Luke..." Katelyn said. "I'm sorry,"

"You should've told us," Elle said. "Or at least me," she added.

"But how could I do that? Because, the thing is guys, I think I killed her,"

I'm back in Liverpool and everything seems the same,

round and around like a horse on a carousel we go, will I catch up to love? I can never tell

and I am a man, manmanman upup in the air, and I run aroundround this towntowntown and act like i don't care.

and I remember the nights we spent under city lights;

someone should teach you some manners!

cuz if this is what you think is honest, honestly i think I'm gonna freak out.

this is gospel for the fallen ones locked away in permanent slumber

rushing in a small town, I forgot to call you,

we are all stranger creatures than when we all started out as kids; culture forbid.

gimme gimme that love I been waiting for you.

his fingertips traced

the constellations on her face;

soft as silk,

now he's fingering her wake.

they were like a merry-go-round,

circles, circles: nowhere bound.

'cuz she'd live and breathe

but still never make a sound.

he kissed the ghost

of her knuckles the most:

could almost hear her sing but she

loved love from other hosts.

you use up my tears

now there's nothing but dry sobs

as I sit choking up

vanilla-flavored shards of my heart.

I'm not an idiot,

but I am when I'm with you.

You puncture my neck:

watch me bleed, you always do.

I don't get the term 'broken'.

I think we can always be fixed,

but my hand twitched

in time to the heartbeat in your palm.

(there is no heartbeat

in your palm;

there was only frozen movement,

fidgeting to your favorite song;

(it played over and over all night long.))

now I've grown soft,

my sobs aren't real?

not even I know how to feel.

he was born from the galaxy

beautiful and bright

his words and heart save me

each day, every night.

he's my superhero;

my best friend.

the one I can always count on

until the very end.

and the stars seem to shine

a little more when he's around.

it makes my heart flop when

he says he's not okay as he sounds.

I wish I could help

but what can I do?

I'd been broken--

until I met you.

"So I:

Put a bullet where I should've put a helmet

and I

Crashed my car 'cuz I wanted to get carried away.

Now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself:

Hey, I wanna get better."