their staring at the clouds. lying down on the newly cut grass. a fox sunbathing. for a long time, it's silent. no wind, no noise at all. they looked down and saw. then blue eyes lying next to them. reached out. holding them close. a wolf's strength. keeping them safe. nothing could make the fox, the wolf leave one another. the clouds drifted into rain. they sniffed the air, grinning. Then the clouds blew away softly, leaving it cold. they shuttered. blue eyes kept them warm. sharing the heat. they both talked without words. a secret language. the eyes told more feeling than any. they both gave affection, sleeping in each other's arms. time gave way and they grew up. different paths yet standing beside each other. a pinky swear. now live 2 with both the fox and wolf mixed. both watch them in the grass, remembering. taken way back. yet the clouds looked the same. but there was noise.

Lately, I don't feel anything, my minds sorta empty. Is this normal? I don't know anymore. Two very important people in my life said things to me that usually would make me smile and be happy about but I just sat there staring at the screen like “Idk what to say to that” so I faked it, not the best thing to do but I don't wanna say that to them and it turns into something big. Then again they don't judge me worth anything but still, it's my choice. I keep staring at the TV, my whole body limp and still. I keep trying to ask myself how I feel but I really don't know. I don't know if it's good judgment or not but, I almost told the boy I love that I don't wanna date anyone. I don't know if its im scared or I just don't want to. But if I can just say things like that to myself and be okay with it, do I deserve him, especially when he’s been so good to me. I don't know anymore. Everything’s a mess. I guess one of the reasons I don't wanna tell him is because the last time's it was me who broke it off so, I just didn't wanna do that again. I keep thinking why do we always start off so strong and loving then I get second thoughts. Cant help to feel it's just not gonna work no matter how hard I try. I love him and trust me I don't wanna lose him. I swore I wouldn’t but I feel like if I do or don't tell him I will. So I don't see a good option here. Nothing sounds good.

Thanks to you I fell asleep smiling, after you said good night.

I had a dream, and im guessing you wanna know so here:

We were in my room, my bed. U on your side and me on mine. There was a dim yellow light, I think from my sunflower lights. But it was hitting your eyes just right. We were laying there, just talking and fidgeting with each others hands. Staring into each others eyes. We weren’t talking about anything special just normal random things because we couldn’t sleep. I said something about you being warm, you smiled like always. Then I lifted one finger and softly booped you like I used to. Then you returned it. We layed our heads against each others for a bit, not saying a word but every so often looking at each others eyes and smiling like weirdos. I remember the butterflies in my stomach and messing with your hair. You just looking up at my hand, cuz what else would you do right? Lol. Right before I fell asleep cuddled up against you I said hey guess what? You said hmm? And of course I said what I always say, your adorable. I could feel your smile. “Goodnight” you said.“mhm”

Sometimes there's a comfort in reading sad things

Sometimes being realistic about things make it easy to sleep

Sometimes knowing things will be how you expected them to be is better

Sometimes not knowing what they're thinking is the best

Sometimes not caring is you caring at all

Sometimes hearing someone say your a bad person makes you realize you're not

Sometimes you understand life sucks but you can make it better

Love is meant to be corny, to be full of cute small awkward moments. To fill that person's mind with cute words, and things to smile about. I've decided to make a book or a journal, to fill the pages with those words with those cute small moments, the texts, the quotes. Every moment you might think doesn't mean much, ill show you it did. Ever idea i liked that you thought was dumb. The things you're obsessed with, even if it's weird to me its something I find interesting. I'll put every funny thing we talk about. Everything time you blush or we, i should say, we both know I blush more. The moments that could be told as more important or "the best". All the ones we will look at and smile even months later. That, that's what love is supposed to be, at least what want.

friend: is it good to date an artist

me: for a while yes

friend: what’s the best thing about being with them?

me: they serenade you with their poetry words, write about you, draw you or things you like, write songs for you..

Friend: doesn’t sound so bad

Me: hmm well they pay attention way too much, overthinking everything so I guess that’s up to who they’re with.

Friend: I guess so

My mom thinks she knows best when really all I want to be is a dude. so when she said she would get me guy clothes, I was happy. I also dislike humans now because they are so selfish. People never realize I want both gender clothing. I also know not to trust adults again because of my mom's friend named sam. I mean if she wants to say something to me, I will expect her to say it to my face, not to other people. she can be as bad as my mother sometimes when it comes to lying like she never asked for her phone back nor did she tell glen to talk to me. The next time someone tells me to express myself I am going to say screw you (except a few people I really trust) because people will lie. Right now I am not going to trust anyone. What I do is what I do and it's n one's concern what I do and I'm getting a little sick and tired of people telling me what I should do and what I shouldn't do. By the way at the party no one mentioned cleaning it up and why should we? we were invited as guests, not as helpers and frankly, I was exhausted from the balloons. The first thing Alex did was boss us around and I am getting sick of that as well.

But in all honesty, I'm getting sick of everything (not my friends obviously). my mom these days be like stay from them, or drop these people or some bullshit.