Is your love them as our old love? The intensity and heaviness of all the oceans combined into one? Could you honestly say your love be so energized like it had the power of ten suns? Or the pull of a black hole? Does your love give you the same emotional response we used to have? Because so far I have yet to find my replacement of you. nor do I think I ever truly will. Which is why it feels like a dagger constantly twisted in the back of my heart when I see him with you. Does he truly make you feel like fireworks are exploding in your chest? Are butterflies flying in your stomach? Because all I feel with her is dread and no one’s compared to feeling you gave.

I remember the moments as if it just happened. It was a warm warm August night in Denver Colorado, and a warm warm night in California. We talked for about an hour until the sun set over the vast mountain range to me west where you lay. My last act of love was to not get in between the man you loved who you’d soon up marrying. I hope you see the beauty in that moment where I could have ruined that for you but chose to actively let you find the love of your life while I let my own go. I think of you all the time and how I’m glad I let you thrive. Even at the cost of my own selfish romantic demise.

I wish I stayed

i wish I was present, within your presence maybe things wouldnt have changed.

im losing the curves of the smile you gave, the way your eyes shrank when you grinned ear to ear. The shape of your hand in mine. The way of the small of your back placed perfectly into me. The marks you called ugly, that I called lovely. The creases in your eyes to the way you stuck your tongue out. I wish I had stayed for a while longer so maybe that I wouldn’t forget the very details of your existence. I’m losing you even though You have been gone for a while.

You're my first.

And i don't mean my first kiss, or my first relationship, or my first

I love you.

You're the first person

who made me feel like I was enough and the first one to show me what I love you actually meant.

Too bad you’re the first true I Miss You as well..

It seems the thought of you still haunts me to my core. In a good yet terrifying way.. you’re in town and there’s nothing more I want than to see you. Despite our partners.. it’s terrible. Knowing you’re in town breaks my heart because I know you’re passing places we Have history with. What would happen if we saw each other face to face? Would time stop and the world disappear? I feel reality would slip away if I had the chance to see you again. I know I’m terrible for wanting to see you but from time to time you’re all that I crave. So many dreams with me waking up in tears knowing you’re sleeping so far away.. but now.. now you’re near and there’s nothing more than I want to come see you. I don’t care if it’s a glance for a split second for a whole day I can see you. I had to block you after our last conversation because I thought you were disgusted by the idea of me talking to you.. or maybe it was respect of him? Who knows but you.. God what I’d do to just be in your presence once more. To see the smile your eyes give when you enter a room. To breath the same air as you. I’d do anything for you and you know that. My heart is still tangled In your fingers.

We went on another adventure last night. The kind you can remember and its permanence has its hold on you. I turn over to see her and think about the memories we’ve made and the. I compare the two. What had a stronger hold? Something a decade ago or something right in front of me.. am I fucked up for comparing the two? Or am I in a constant dreadful battle of trying to kill my past but find it I killable? Some nights I have these adventures hoping they can consume my reality and just live there with you. So I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of missing you. I wonder if you still have those same adventures of me and you? Do you still look at the moon every night and think we are watching the same thing? Do you ever wonder if we share the same adventures and dreams? Fuck I miss you. Fuck I hate this. Fuck I hate saying the word Fuck. Fuck it all and Fuck my heart for putting me through this torment any further. It truly feels like a nightmare when I’m awake because I only see you vividly in my dreams.

I had a dream last night, one of us when we were much younger. It wasn't one of those where it was wild and random. No it was reliving a memory well multiple in fact. From when I asked you to be my forever to our first encounter of our lips meeting. From my first words to you to our last time seeing each other in person. I know it was a hard ride in the end but everyday i'm grateful it happened. I know it could have been smoother and relaxed and end in a happy ending where we were to be betrothed ... but life isn't that simple. I think one of my lives biggest regrets was losing you and i'll have to move on forward without you knowing I lost the love of my life and settle for less. I'm glad you found love, hopefully love you deserve and not what you think you deserve. I hope you find your peace, I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you can look back on what was and still think of the good and bad.

You'd think almost a decade later and i'd be past us but I don't think you know how much you still have a hold onto my heart but I finally understand more. As we grow older. I just hope one day I can meet the man you married and tell him thank you for loving you, for making you feel whole. For taking on what I couldn't ... In the next life i'll always find you..

Goodbye.

to my lil Miss where ever you are.

is it possible to even be “too late”? I ask this question daily when it comes to you. It’s been some time since we’ve last talked and still the memory of you always seems to come too late.

I was on a app/website that rhyme s with rose and remembered that you had an account. Although you haven’t posted in what seems forever a few years to be exact. I wanted to reminisce in what was our love and the pain we shared.

But to my surprise I saw something. A post gap between 2018 and last November.. around the time you got engaged..

I thought to myself if only I saw this sooner, if only I fought harder. But it was possibly.. too late. You see you’re married now with a very successful man. Although I want to fight him in the arena I’m glad it’s him. You see I stopped reaching out I stopped trying because I realized years ago in the summer of 20 that the words of you love someone let them go. And if is true they’ll come back to you.. maybe you possible were a little to late.. anyway to cut to my chase.. I hope your last post about dreams of pain and love and forever of me. Because car to often I’ve been dreaming of you. Longing in fact.. yet we both moved on.. but honestly sometimes I’ll look into her eyes and that’s where I find a glimpse of us.. I try to call for her touch but I’m always thinking of the way you are. I said I was fine and I even moved on, but I’m only here passing time in her arms.. in hopes to see what beauty you have..

To my for ever, my Bucc, my lil miss…

In heartbeat I’d drop everything to see you and hold you again. To love you forever and always.. I miss you so much.. always and forever “Mista J”

I think I'm losing you, but I will never regret choosing you

Because I am in love, and for now that will be enough

And the ones around me convince me that I was the only person who was dumb enough to believe that you and I had hope.

But now I know even after you began to let your emotions slow the only reason I stood alone was because I was the only one who knew our love was never going to let go.

Everyone wanted me to see that we could not thrive, so gouge out my eyes.

Because if this is reality then I guess I'm not alive,

Because I don't know a life in where I can't make things right.

And when life teaches you to drive and you finally say goodbye

And you won't let me stand by your side

Ill know that though some feelings are hurt, none will have died.

Cause I used to stay up at night and picture myself looking into your eyes

Shouting as you would sigh “how dare you think you can fall asleep with water dripping from the kitchen sink, how dare you think you can fall asleep with all these little leaks in this home we built in our dreams”

A picture is worth a thousand words or whatever people say to me.

It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need,

And all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets.

A prayer that nothing will keep,

A hope that light will seek before the dark sinks too deep.

Or at least the sinking feeling inside of me will decrease when the release of perceived dreams burn in the flame of feeling free.

So feel free to be free if that's what you need.

And if someday you feel alone and everything caves in when you try to breathe,

Know that you are not alone as far as I can see,

Because you were everything to me.

Through this I have realized that if I were God we would have all just died,

Because darling you were mine and now I feel so dead inside,

And what good am I if all I can create is a projection of my own mind.

A dream of finding time to remind you that I'm still here and I'm not fine.

And darling if you're going to leave just remember who you are,

And do what you can to remember me.

Maybe someday we can talk about our past and we can talk about the weather.

Whenever you leave I don't care what I'm remembered for,

I just want to be remembered.

Because even if I failed you at least I tried,

And maybe our lives don't add up now but someday our graves will look the same when we both die.

And if I had a chance I'd give you one last kiss and I'd bite down on your lip

And I'd try to puncture it so you'll never forget that time,

But you'll always regret.

And darling I know sometimes life will take a turn for the worst,

And sometimes life will even hurt.

And I know some days, some days you'll be afraid of the lessons you'll have to learn

And some days you'll even feel burned,

And I want to let you know that I want to love you through them.

But I always get what I deserve.

-hotel books

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on Prose. I just entered a challenge and now I’m writing another journal entry. This one is quick because I’m short on time and must get back to finalizing/printing my steamy contemporary romance for one more round with beta readers. After that, I’m ready to query literary agents.

If writers want to publish their work traditionally, they must master two skills:

1) Writing a fantastic synopsis.

2) Writing a super fantastic query letter.

For me, writing a novel was easy by comparison (and that task required more revisions than I have energy to count).

Since my last journal entry, I’ve received professional feedback on my query letter. The draft I submitted was noted to be “fine as it is” with a few notes about what would make it even better. But...“fine as it is” means I did well, which is fantastic news for someone who taught herself how to write a query.

A week after my query letter received approval and I tweaked a few words, I was at an event where I pitched my novel (memorized query letter) to an agent. The agent said I did fine and gave me her card with a request to send my full manuscript.

Here’s what I learned:

1) Just because an agent says she’d like me to send my full manuscript doesn’t mean I’m going to do that. This agent was nice (possibly so nice as to give her card to everyone who pitched her that day without true interest in any particular pitch), but she is not among my top choices in agents, overall. The reason I pitched her was because she was the only agent at this event that represented romance and didn’t have a disclaimer that she does not want to read explicit sex (which my story contains). At that event, she was the best agent to pitch for experience and feedback. Throughout the day (hearing her speak on a panel and talking with her during the pitch), I learned that romance is something she has represented, but it is not her primary area of representation. Yes, she’s interested in it. (Who isn’t? lol) But when I asked her questions, I found that her responses lacked detailed knowledge of my genre. Not a good sign. She gave me some useful information and I learned from her, so it was a valuable experience. But I want an agent who lives and breathes romance and is driven to find a writer like me. Will I send this particular agent my full manuscript? Maybe...to see what she has to say about it, if anything. But not right away.

2) The query letter is extremely important. Given I didn’t know what I was doing when I started writing my novel, I hadn’t done three critical things that would’ve helped me throughout the process.

A) Write the concept of the story in 10 words or fewer.

B) Write the story in a single sentence of 25 words (or no more than 35). This is a log line.

C) Write a synopsis in 500 words or fewer.

Tight writing helped me find holes in my storyline. When I’d attempted the synopsis two years ago, I couldn’t do it. I found a hole in my plot. Following several more revisions that fixed all the holes I could find, I attempted the synopsis again. It worked.

Then, I tried the query letter (most of which is the book blurb). Another fail, but closer. Why did it fail? Because I was having trouble capturing heroine and hero storylines in fewer than 200 words (150 was the target). What helped me get there? Points A and B above. It was much easier to go from short to long (10-word story to 25-word story to 500-word story to 81,000 words). Much harder for me to go the other way (81,000-word manuscript to short book blurb), especially when plot holes were present.

I have two novels begging me to get going on them, but I will not begin until my current project is in the query stage. (I’m almost there.) What will I do first for my next two books, which I may write simultaneously? I will write each story in 10 words and then in 25-35 words. When those two sentences are solid, I’ll write the synposis in 500 words or fewer to be sure my plot doesn’t have holes. After I do those three things, I’ll be ready to let my creativity fly during the first draft. I can’t wait to begin!

This journal entry wasn’t as quick as I’d thought it would be. ;)

I hope you’ve enjoyed this journal entry. If so, please comment. I’d love to hear from you! If you have any interest, please consider finding me on Twitter or visiting my website. Until next time, be healthy and happy. Happy writing! -Ivy