Day 1:

“Scoot over captain! As your president, it is your duty to let me fly the plane.”

“But sir that really isn’t protocol.”

“Is it protocol to have a president for only 36 hours? Do I have time to do all the things I want to do?”

“Sir –”

“Like spend a weekend at the country house, or have a week-long bowling tournament in the basement next to the private flower shop? To get flowers from that flower shop for all my upcoming prospective dates? To eat every vegetable available from the Whitehouse garden? To meet all 103 staff members who live in the mansion and their families? To ride in all 17 limousines, called “the beast?” To lose twenty pounds while I have access to the weight room with the private, personal trainer? Do you think they gave me the $400,000 a year salary, or the $250,000 a year pension, or the $200,000 a year post presidency travel plan? Will I get a lifetime of private security provided by the secret service? Do you even think it’s slightly possible I’ll end up in enough imminent danger, while facilitating world peace, to require rescuing in the Marine One, super chopper?"

“Sir –"

“No, of course they didn’t provide any of the perks. So, stop calling me Sir and move over captain; I’m flying the plane!”

When the Powers that Be descended from the heavens and declared a random candidate be made President of the United States for a day, the people of the system knew exactly how to follow the letter of the law without giving anything up, without sullying their power.

It happened on an ordinary day, but no one really knew what it was that had happened, because politicians have a way of making everything like that. In the end, the public voice must have decided it was the President’s way of making a good image of himself, of saying, "Look at me, I’m so great, I know I’m not perfect so I proved it to you, see, I can let other people take control, I’m not a power-hungry monster at all, look how admirable I really am."

I think he even convinced himself of it. He was never very smart.

But there are a lot of people in the system who know how the system works, and they like to play it, because the system’s not very good. It allows itself to be played quite easily. It likes being played.

So they picked a random Canadian without any power, without any knowledge of US politics beyond the most rudimentary surface facts, without any idea of how to play the system, and with no desire to cause trouble. What I’m saying is, they picked me.

They also told me I couldn’t sleep for the thirty-six hours, so they definitely didn’t expect me to be able to get anything done. And my time would all be taken up answering questions on the livestream. So definitely no getting things done. But that’s what being President of the United States is anyway, right? Making an image for yourself, and not actually doing a whole lot. Unless you’re the kind who’s constantly on the brink of starting World War III.

Of course, I also happened to be starting my period that day. It really wasn’t my day.

So there I was, picked up and carried off to the States in an airplane without any say in the matter, which definitely seems illegal. I was joking about the whole heavenly powers thing, but there was definitely something weird going on. Maybe they were being blackmailed by aliens. Maybe a magical fungus had gotten into their brains. But I didn’t really feel like putting up a fuss that day (actually, I didn’t feel like doing anything other than lying around on the couch and possibly sleeping), so I didn’t bother fighting it.

When I got there I tried to find out how to actually carry out policy changes, but no one would tell me. All they did was give me coffee and show me the computer, where I could answer questions on the livestream. I hate coffee.

So people were asking me about what I was doing, while I tried to explain that I couldn’t do anything because I didn’t know how anything worked. There were also a lot of people who were all upset that I was Canadian, and I have no idea why that was their biggest problem with the whole thing, but then again I’ve never understood patriotism.

So I just started telling them all the things I wanted to do, like dismantle capitalism, and protect human rights, and defund the police, and make environmental regulations, especially on big companies, and instate gun control, and remove women’s body control, and also get rid of the government altogether and split the country into very small, self-sustaining and egalitarian societies without any hierarchies or ecological footprints. Because that was just about as doable for me right then than making the smallest, simplest little change.

And then as the day went on, and I was dying of exhaustion and my cramps had kicked in, I started ignoring the livestream altogether and just eating all the food they had given me, and asking for more, because when you can’t actually make any changes, you might as well take advantage of the free food.

So if someone ever offers you the position of President for a day, remember it’s a scam. But you will get free food.

I've made up my mind this time. I know I've talked to you about it a lot, but this time I'm going to and you can't talk me out of it. Not that you've ever tried to, you are too good of a listener for that. See this bridge above us, Silas? This bridge that shelters us and protects us, I've never been to the top of it. I figure jumping will be the easiest. Leigh and I used to jump all the time... base jumping or skydiving. I think it will feel familiar, being up there. Maybe it will even make me feel close to her again. I would like that, to feel as if I'm holding my love one last time. It's been so long. Yes, I love you too but it's not the same, you know. You're just a puppy, as alone as me. Well thats why I'm waiting until just before sunrise. Hank loves you too and he always goes by at sunrise. He will make sure you are taken care of. Besides, this highway is least busy then, and I don't want to jump in front of a car and ruin someone's day or make them feel like they killed me. I know how that feels. It doesn't go away, that's why I have to go. I can't take the feeling anymore. I know Leigh died because of the cancer, and the doctor said it was a very fast kind... and I know you can't give someone cancer. But, like her family said, maybe if I had seen the signs sooner, or made her see a doctor more often. Anyway, I'm not going to let anyone else feel responsible like this... not for me. Well, it's about time now, and traffic is light.

I'm glad you are safe below me, Silas. Everything looks so weird from up here. This rail is hard to balance on. I wonder if they make them that way on purpose. I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait to jump... you always see them wait a minute in the movies, usually someone comes to rescue them and make their lives ok again. I've given up on that, but I still want to do this the right way. Well this has probably been long enough. Besides, my legs are getting weak from balancing up here with all this wind. Goodbye, Silas.

Ok...

One...

Two...

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe in

Breathe out

Spit, and shit and disgust

Unavoidable

Shame and pity for the sidewalk rock

Heartbeat - thump

Heartbeat - thump

Heartbeat - thump

Icy veins on concrete blocks

Fear

A burden too heavy for one

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe in

Blow after blow, shatters and cracks

Fragile

Hatred stares down unforgiving

Heartbeat - thump

Heartbeat - thump

Endless blossoms,sun,leaves,and snow

Precious

Beauty that held my hand and punished me

Breathe in

Breathe out

Save me, leave me, kill me

Tired

Occupy no space and become No One

Heartbeat - thump

Closed eyes and deep breaths

Fly

I’m a superhero unable to survive

Breathe in

I stood on the bridge and waited

for all of it. For everything I had created

to grab me; to reach up out of the sea

and gift to me my apogee.

I dont know why I'm here.

On this bridge, close to tears.

Exhausted in every damned way.

Exhausted like I am every day.

I sob when I realise I have no fear

of the hundred-foot drop down to being okay.

All i do is float. Float through life,

float through each day, each strife,

floating through it all like a balloon.

Soon. But it's already noon

and I'm stood on the bridge having not yet moved.

I'd arrived after waking, deeply confused:

Confused at my abusers, I'd counted every bruise.

One from a flying fist swung by my Dad.

Another from my Mother. She was just mad.

Puffy eyes from an ex lover.

Yet I'd never cried for him. Not ever.

Then a bruised heart from my soulmate.

She left me. No love for me anymore, only hatred.

And that's me checkmated.

Now, my frustrations never to be sated,

I stood on the bridge and waited.

Floating still. Floating like a ghost

who wanted nothing more than love.

Love never to be obtained.

I stood on the bridge and waited.

Nauseated yet oddly liberated.

As the sea did finally grab me by my throat.

Now, all I can do is float.

I stood on the bridge and waited

Although I didn´t know

what I was waiting for

Could it be I was waiting

for my courage to resurface

so that I could

jump

Or was I waiting

for my fears to subside

so that I wouldn´t think

about the concrete waters below

Although, truly,

I stood on the bridge and waited

because I wanted someone to stop me

to tell me not to jump

to hold me in their warm embrace

and tell me they loved me

I wanted someone to save me

I was waiting for someone to save me

but no one came

I sit, I wait, impatiently.

For that time to come.

For that time to release itself,

and I feel like I have come,

to that age where I am grown,

I drank my milk to strengthen my bones,

I ate my carrots, so I could see,

through the dark nights and

into me.

I realised, it never will.

A child I will always be.

I am young and I am free.

Even when my skin grows old,

it will start to crinkle and crease

so I am told.

But my mind, my brain,

It will always be me,

The soft childs voice,

in the back of my head,

that's all I'll hear until

I'm dead.

The biggest lie I have told is where I said my mental health was fine for about 5 years or so to my parents, and when I finally said it wasn't, it turned out that they have different opinions on how to deal with it. I then continued to deal with it without family support in that area for another 6 months, until I finally told them again that I had been dealing with it in my fashion and not theirs. It was the most stressful thing I have done to date, and far too big of a weight to be put on younger me's shoulders.