“Hey, Lauren?” Caleb looked over at his friend who was currently bussing tables. They both worked Cup of Joe’s, a small coffee shop in their home town.

“What’s up?” she said while still focusing on the task at hand. Caleb looked at her and felt a certain pressure in his chest. This happened more often than he liked. He didn’t understand why. It wasn’t like Lauren was traditionally attractive. She had a rather round face, a big nose, and some extra body fat. She wasn’t his fantasy girl, to say the least, but there was just something about her.

“This may be a random question,” he paused still debating whether or not this was a good idea.

“Shoot. There’s no question I won’t answer. I mean as long as it doesn’t involve my SSN or Tumblr blog.” she chuckled to herself. Could he do this? Was this even the right time? What about her made him feel this way. 

“Okay, well hypothetically how would you react if someone asked you out?” he mentally cursed himself for avoiding the real question, but it was too late to think about that now. He bit his lip in anticipation. Maybe he made it too obvious that he liked her.

“Good one,” she laughed. Caleb didn’t like it, it felt forced. “Guys don’t ask me out so I don’t have to worry about that.”

“What do you mean?” he was curious now. He hadn’t realized she had never been in a relationship before. It was never brought up in any of their previous conversations. 

“I mean guys don’t like me, Caleb,” she sighed. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up. “I mean look at me.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with what I’m looking at,” he told her causing both of them to blush. Sure she wasn’t traditionally attractive, but he still found her beautiful.

“Well, others do. In middle school, I was the punchline of many jokes. The worst option in FMK. High school wasn’t much better, but by then I didn’t care.” she admitted. Caleb felt his stomach turn, he hated that she had to go through that. How long did she live believing she wasn’t beautiful?

“And now?” 

“Now I’m used to it. Relationships aren’t in the cards for someone like me. It’s fine, I have other goals. No use fantasizing about something that won’t happen.” she moved to clear the table at the far end of the store. Caleb wanted to tell her how he felt. He wanted to tell her how he couldn’t stop thinking of her after his shift. How when he watched rom coms with his little sister he thought of her. How he so desperately wanted to kiss her, but now wasn’t the time. She needed to love herself before he could let himself love her. For now, all he could do was help with that.

“Well if it does or doesn’t happen, I still find you beautiful.”

When you smile, it's there. It's there because someone said something nice or something funny. At that moment you're happy because you're not sad. Happiness is the absence of negative emotions. It's not anything amazing in particular. Many aim for this notion of happiness but in reality its content. It's being able to smile.

When you grin, it's not just there. You can feel it. Someone you love is nearby or something amazing just happened. At that moment you're filled with joy, you're not just happy. There's this indescribable bubble and you can feel yourself shake with excitement-with ecstasy. It's euphoric. It's being able to grin.

I am sorry

That when it came down to hiding my feelings I let them live. I let them burn holes through your skin and make you bleed enough to freak you out

You don’t wanna be with me

And I get it

I cry too much or too little

I feel too much or too little

I love too hard or nothing at all

I am sorry that I didn’t realize sooner that when I thought you were here to stay

You were already a mile away

I am not a good person

because I show concern.

I am not a good person

because I care.

I care because I love you.

I'm selfish

because I want to see you smile.

I write to remember…

To capture the pain and joy of a moment.

My words reveal more than any photo.

I write to forget…

To free my heart from the raging feelings that surround it.

I put my thoughts on a page and leave them there.

I write to escape…

To get lost in the words and the worlds I build.

I’d happily live there instead.

I write to understand…

To make sense of the confusing reality we all live in.

I need to interpret it for myself.

I write to stay sane…

To keep everything controlled inside.

If I didn’t, who knows what would happen?

For a virus that might get 2 sentences in a history book 200 years from now, it sure has changed the course of my year. 2020 was always supposed to be a big year for me. Senior year: many lasts, parties, events, graduation, prom. In a matter of a few hours, those were no longer certainties.

It’s not like I was unfamiliar with the virus, it was something I was aware of for the past few months, but it was something distant. It was something happening somewhere else in the world and it’s looming threat felt akin to the threat of cholera or rabies. Possible, but unlikely. Life carried on as normal as Wuhan and Italy slowly started to shut down. I did homework, chatted with friends, went to a conference. Everything was fine and normal until it wasn’t.

I came back from that conference to hear murmurs of the coronavirus reaching Michigan. It instilled a fake panic in my classmates, more of a joke than anything else. I would hear things like ‘We’re all gonna die bro’ or ‘Corona’s bout to get us’. There was humor to all of it. That humor began to disappear as the day went on. Suddenly colleges began to switch to remote classrooms, events got canceled and teachers whispered when they spoke in classrooms. There was a sense of uncertainty in the air. I grew uneasy myself after the MUN conference I had that weekend got canceled. All conversations seemed to be about the coronavirus at this point. It was at the forefront of everyone’s mind.

I went to the bookstore after school that day, just like I did a few times a week. There weren’t many people there, and I got a feeling that I might not be able to go back for a while. I wandered around the store touching the books and tables, trying my best to commit them to memory. It didn’t help that we were reading ‘Station Eleven’ in English class. A book about how society crumbled due to a mysterious disease. I haven’t been back to that store since that day.

When I went home that Wednesday, I could hardly focus on work. Perhaps it had something to do with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. How was I supposed to focus on Self-actualization when I didn’t have the Security of knowing what was going to happen the next day. Everything was up in the air and I didn’t like it. That was on Wednesday, that same night we got an email saying school would be closed that Friday to discuss online learning methods. That’s when I knew that this wouldn’t end quickly.

The next day, the school reeked of impending doom. Teachers started their classes talking about the virus and ended them with a goodbye. The assistant principal even came on the loudspeaker and advised students to take anything they might need home. It felt like the begging of the end. After school, the art room was raided for supplies and lockers were all emptied. I even went to the library to check out the book I’d been eyeing for the last few weeks.

The next morning I found that school would be online for the next three weeks. Most kids would be happy, ecstatic even, but for me, this was the worst thing that could happen. As a senior, it’s not like I had much time with my friends to begin with, now that time was cut short by this microscopic virus. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry.

That same day my mother and I went to the grocery store to get supplies and while there I felt like I was dreaming. It was pure chaos, people were running everywhere and making multiple trips. Extra employees were hired to make the lines go faster. The wheels of the shopping carts squeaked because they couldn’t handle the weight of what was in them. The mass panic added to the apocalyptic feel more than anything else. It’s not like we were immune. I had to talk my mom out of making many purchases, but ultimately we added to the problem. We bought what we thought we needed and stocked up.

Now, I’m sitting here at home hoping that this entire thing will pass and I will be able to get back to real life as soon as possible. Panic has been replaced with boredom and I want to get back into the grind. No more virus, no more panic, and no more quarantine. I’m ready to wake up from this nightmare.

Your love was the first one to walk away

it left in the middle of a sentence

it left you stuttering in the middle

of i love you

It walked away

and it took the warmth off of my body

it left me shivering

while you had your arms wrapped around me

in bed at night

it left me wondering

how i would survive the day

when the sun was hiding in the clouds

or so bright it burned my skin

Your love was the first one to walk away

and when i looked again

you were gone

too

the end -[renata ferretti]

Heartbreak used to be a word

I’d heard in movies

always the scene with

the pretty girl with

the smeared mascara

and the high heels and perfect dress

but heartbreak for me meant

getting up in the morning

was a struggle of its own

showering meant losing me

and losing you

all together

all at once

It wasn’t pretty

as neither was I

she was the definition of

innocence,

and he knew that, but that doesn't mean he cared-

instead, he picked her like a rose (as he would've any other)

and his lips brushed her petals and made her

shiver.

instantly she fell in love because now she was no longer

thought a weed but now a gorgeous

flower,

made of wonder of the unknowing

since she's never been loved before.

he was now unofficially deemed her god

since he was slowly teaching her how to love (on her end anyway)

and showed her the magic of caring-

without even dating.

there's no memory of another

kiss,

but the constant thought of one will always plague her mind

although, she can't risk even whispering her

secret desire

or he might wander away.

but his eyes drifted nonetheless,

like wood in the water and when it finally hit the land

another woman appeared and that was better than some

damn rose

and from then she was damned.

all that was left from that one-sided love was a question regarding

that infectious disease

in which involves human interaction and feeling-

did he ever love me?