I didn't realize

the last time we spoke would be

the last time I'd ever hear your voice.

If I'd known, I would've kept the conversation going

from the night into the early morning

listening to each heaving sigh and each melodic laugh

embedding them into my memory

so even if you left, your face would never leave me.

I didn't realize you'd stop loving me

or else I would've poured out every drop of my heart

that beat only for you

I would've held tight and never let go

kissing you breathless and leaving you wanting more

so I'd know that I still existed

somewhere in your heart.

In your rush to leave me

I forgot to tell you what you meant.

That your PTSD had shaped me

into the perfect caretaker

and I knew you better

than your closest family.

I forgot to say that I'm sorry

for all the stupid arguments over

pointless things that had no real meaning

and if I could take them back I would.

I would say how lucky I felt

when I was loved by you,

and how every day I'd break out into song,

a permanent smile on my face,

knowing that I was the girl you'd chosen to spend

your life with.

I forgot to tell you that I loved you, too.

I stole that ring.

I wrote my name under that desk.

I peed myself. In front of everyone.

I looked up the answers for Kumon. I lied about it. I hid that booklet.

I masturbated. I used that brush.

I looked up that porn. Well, not that porn. But porn.

I broke it. His show-and-tell project. But I hit my head because of him. But I blamed myself for him leaving school.

I almost ran away, but I hid instead.

I hyperventilated for show.

I sprained my ankle and hid it from you, but I didn’t tell you it still hurt.

I thought beheading that littlest pet shop toy was fun.

You’ll find toothpicks in the stuffed giraffe.

I never wanted to be a veterinarian for those reasons.

I saw him. Watching the porn. On mute. In the living room. Knowing I was in the next room.

I can’t get it out of my mind when I talk to him now.

I saw that glimpse of your happy tree friends episode. Where he stabs his own feet and skis down that hill.

I threw away the condom in the trash can. I put it in the empty ice cream pint.

I was scared in that bathroom. Couldn’t get out. Wouldn’t lock the door for years.

I remember the pills you put up my ass, and how I didn’t like it.

I stole those plastic vegetables.

I didn’t steal from target. But I checked my pockets when you weren’t looking.

I couldn’t watch commercials for anti-depressants for years. They gave me PTSD. I was twelve.

You’ll find strap-ons in my storage boxes.

I left him. I went back to my seat at the theater. I felt bad.

I never did study AP Chemistry that day. At least I never gave him a blowjob in the bathroom. I should’ve.

I lied. About the sex. But why would I tell? You’ll never know those things about me.

I tied him up. It felt good. No hickeys you said. Too rough. He tied me up.

He was right. The little piggies didn’t build houses out of stone.

I lied to you, but I loved you. I did it because I loved you.

You called me thirty times, but I hid.

I always hide! You know I always hide.

But so much! There’s so much you don’t know!

So much I wish you didn’t.

Forgive me! Forgive me, I didn’t tell you.

Forgive me, I never could.

Forgive me, I never can.

#secrets #thoughts #fiction #poetry

You follow me

You swallow me

You made me think

I wanted you

You made me think

It takes two

You’re in my nightmares

You can live

And it’s not fair

You touched me

Now I don’t have a face

You touched me

And I left without a trace

You touched me

Now home is not a place

I wanted you

Because you made me feel

Like nothing

And you were something

You touched me

And suddenly I wasn’t a person

Come and get me if I scream

Suddenly I don’t have a body

And nobody could ever want me

Because you told me so

And you say

That you don’t know

You make me think I’m lying

You make me cry without trying

And all I wanna know

Is how you

Don’t.

#poetry #PTSD #abuse #pain

It is fortuitous, really, that we

we should meet at this juncture. You see, I just

convalesced and an ready for a fight.

In typical fashion, you spew venom.

Were you not viewed as pitiful, I'd laugh.

Thank you, for serving to keep me alert.

Hello, I am a human person with goals and dreams.

I am a wondering mind, with songs to sing.

I am a breathing organ with questions and thoughts.

I am a distorted body of functioning sorts.

I can do things that people don't expect.

I can help someone, that has been through neglect.

I can make a plant grow from a simple seed.

I can build a house for someone in need.

I can start an engine that hasn't started in days.

I can show you how to love in so many ways.

I can bring a tear to a wind drafted eye.

I can kiss you hello, and hug you goodbye.

These things don't make me weird in no way.

These things make me a survivor, and I'm here to stay.

Excuses, for me, is to block what I don't want to say.

Excuses give me reasons to change a perfect day.

Excuses are not an option to do right or wrong.

Excuses are what we use to change a written song.

Using my mind to change a situation,

knowing I could crash with any revelation.

If I tell you a reason why it doesn't have to be a lie.

Just a sugar-coated reason to give me an alibi.

Yes, I am going to explain,

how an answer could drive you insane.

Yet, I maintain, the reason I have to restain.

I have no excuse of why I couldn't see,

where I suppose to be.

With you constantly asking me,

I know an excuse will set me free.

Say to me, you see through me and I will show you a heart.

A heart that beats a million to one, and has no end or start.

A person wrapped inside a soul, that is control by work of none.

A finger pointing at everyone, but responsible for one.

A shield I hold in one hand, to guard my life and health.

A knife I hold in the other hand, to protect me from myself.

No I see nothing that seems to be wrong,

Yet, I see something that can cause me great harm.

A jigsaw puzzle with all the edges smooth.

A gear riding on a chain with only two grooves.

A smile in the morning when you first awaken.

A tear in your eye at night when all your thoughts are breaking.

Holla out loud and drop to your knees.

Hold up your hands and say the word please.

Close your eyes and come to a conclusion.

That life for you has been nothing but an illusion.

When I was six

my daddy left.

We were alone.

When I was nine

she said, "You're mine."

Then ma came home.

Eleven, I

thought, "Suicide,"

but was His own.

Since then I learned,

"Love is the way.

Now, pass it on."

It's been a month. Life's changed.

Antibiotics. Pain?

No. Not down in the dumps.

Sober. Ready and pleased.

Hope has not diminished.

I may not be finished.

I'm confident HE's pleased.

The next few months will tell.

You may just hear me yell...