As my mind toys with the thoughts built on late night and early morning conversations I find myself not quite writing a short piece because I can’t, but instead a letter of ruminations. Not all things are easily unwound, dissected, and explained and I don’t want to understand everything. Not all things feel like they were supposed to happen but when I’m with you I feel like that was supposed to happen. My hands can do the work that my mouth can’t as I try my best to explain what you mean to me.

I’m a writer who isn’t good with words and often find myself repeating the same ones. I try and see the best in people while still keeping my wits about me but when I look in I can’t see the reality of who I am, I can’t see past the bad, I can’t figure out who I was and who I am. I can’t see the best of myself and that’s the worst because it keeps me from trying to be better. It drains me of every drop of motivation I could have before I have it. But when I see myself the way you seem to, I see the good and makes me want to be better. It makes me want to prove to myself that I’m worth the love that you give me.

I don’t want this to put you in a position where you feel responsible for being the steady side of my unsteady mind. I don’t want to put more on you than you can carry because no one deserves to be the one carrying the weight of another’s grief. That’s what it is, in all sense and purposes, it’s grief that brings me to my knees in the dark. It’s the grief that makes my shoulders shake and eyes pour. It’s the grief that comes from my losing myself and it prevents me from uttering a word as my heart catches in my throat.

But you make me smile and when I’m sad I don’t cry because I feel your presence when you aren’t around. I don’t fall to my knees. I don’t find myself shaking and if I do it’s only because I’m laughing. You make the hard times easier and I hope I do the same for you.

Perhaps all of this the rambling of an empty mind and maybe it’ll make sense to you. I write to you an essay of love that is complicated and common but is not easily explained. I could have said all of this simply, I could have stated my thesis before I got to the conclusion, but I don’t do things the easy way it appears. You make me a better, happier person and you know I giggle and laugh when I’m nervous so there was no way I was going to be able to say all of this to you but I can write it. I don’t know if any of it made sense but I hope it does to you.

All of this to say that at the same time I know this isn’t all of what I want to say. You are an amazing person, I love the way you make me feel but I’m in love with who you are. Anyway, thank you for reading this longwinded way of saying I love you.

It's a day

Where if I breathe I’m acknowledging I can still be hurt

Where if I breathe I’m acknowledging I can still be hurt

but if I’m so still you can’t even see me move, you can’t hear the thoughts coursing like wildfire through my mind then maybe I won’t spend the day knowing that I’m less than an inch away from tears.

Maybe if I did better, felt better, did more, got up earlier, I would feel better, I know I would

Maybe if I could look at myself and say that I deserved any of that I would feel better

Maybe if I just stopped

Just stopped thinking about me, let everything fall away and just make sure people don’t hate me I could feel better

And I do.

I feel better

but you’re still there

Stalking me

Watching me

Taunting me

And I don’t think I could breath without you here anymore

Because without you...who I am I

If you are the motivation for every move I make

Who am I without you

If you are the reason I have to try and do better, to create

What will I make without you?

I have nothing more than you because you have taken and destroyed everything else

So now everything I am only stands because you hold it up

And if you’re not here

I fall apart

And if you are here

I fall apart

but at least when I fall apart I’ll have something to pick back up with you here.

I planted the tree to grow in June

I set myself up for a closed-door

I threw my keys into the river and didn't think about the lock on my hands.

I hear the ominous notes of time passing quicker than I can see it

I think I've found the trouble

In the middle of the night

On my bedroom floor

Crying and pacing

working through the breaking

Ignoring the shaking sobs

and anxiety-ridden doubts

I knew I'd never escape

The pain likes the taste of my hope too much

to let me go quietly.

So I fight and laugh at myself as I trip through ever wire I set for myself

Everything is clear when I think about

Then it all slips away like I threw it in the wind.

I wanted to wake up to a day that didn't make me want to go sleep

People change

I changed

and I feel like I could win

or like it could all slip from my fingers

There are only two ways this could go.

I don't think it's my hands sometimes

and other times I hate myself for wallowing in the pain

Most times I hate myself for ever opening-up to people who don't need the lifelong weight I've been lugging around

Most times I hate myself for everything

Most times I'm on the floor wondering how I'm still alive

Then the rain hits my face and I remember how much I love the smell of the rain

I remember that song I could play on repeat

The one I dance in my room to, pretending I could sing.

Most times I wait for that moment people talk about

where they grew up

and realized how small their problems were

How dramatic they were.

I've realized that so why isn't it gone.

Then the moment hits me where I hate myself for liking the taste of the comfortable. If I could just let go of my chains.

Slip out of the tangles

Breath for the first time in ages and have it just be breathing to me.

The tree in June with its roots wound around my soul would go away.

In my mind But in the morning this will just be the cloud overhead.

I am alone This isn’t how I want

I’m spinning I can’t in fog live for the rest of

forgotten .this cold my life

hidden fight shivering

to be someone Don’t look at me could biting back

tears. I don’t want Don’t touch me What made me think I

Dramatics. I’m in my box.

I’m just fighting Lying. Leave me there.

myself Deceiver.

I just want to go You drain the life Awful

I need you out of everything it all goes

Everything is in my head I need you to go

this isn’t one of the good days a pressure

I need you to leave me be It’s hard to breathe

It’s your fault please just le me be

I’m falling Let me go fall into it

and I’ve forgotten You’ll never make it

I’m somewhere you can’t follow how to scream.

I’m broken I’m too fragile for you right now

I’m whole I’m raw and burned

let me slip down I’m falling One more hit

let me find my release I’m crying

I’m acid Please leave me I can’t try. and I’ll fall down.

I’m dangerous I’m too tired

I can’t do this anymore Break me down I just want

When I finally saw What could be You’ll find nothing

But pieces I realized it was the sun to sleep

It in Cracked you can never touch the

I can’t keep breathing Crumbling sun

If this is how it’s going to be Into a net of false hopes

dramatics. Weakness. angst. and it will all go away with the

passing of time. Leaving me with nothing.

Startling quietness has entered my mind.

It keeps me on my toes

Begging for more.

It knots my stomach

keeps me from sleeping

buys up all the free space in my mind

But it keep me away.

It keeps me from me

just for a little bit.

I know it'll end

because today

I woke up and

put a name to the chain that dragged me around

these past few days.

Me.

The broadest sense of me.

The darkest parts of me.

I'm not drowning because I don't want to swim.

I'm sinking while I'm swimming to the bottom.

How do you explain something your own mind is struggling to believe? Something you believe is true but you can’t pull together enough information to convince yourself? I was so stuck in my head, trying to remember every expression, infliction, and nuance while I looked at my notes, that as I sat at the table there wasn’t a single part of me that was uncomfortable with every person in the room giving me varying levels of disbelief and disgust.

My notes started to blur together as re-read and re-read them. Is it possible to know you have more than enough time to get something done but you still feel like everything is caving in on you? Maybe it’s because I was the only person in the room who seemed to be trying to look past the surface of what was being presented. Everything on the surface said she was guilty. Everything the witness said made her seem guilty.

And it was that ‘seem’ that held me back from just agreeing with everyone else. It wasn’t till I looked up and really took in how everyone was behaving that I realized that I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t as confident with the story the prosecutors were pulling together as they wanted us to be. Hell, I wasn’t even that confident in the story the defense was trying to spin.

Nothing seemed to fit into place. I needed to remind them to be critical, that we were here to judge her because we were and are her peers because it’s our job to think about this crime in the context of ‘we could have done something like this’. If we are her peers than we could have done something like this. It didn’t seem fair to pretend like we were so much better than her till we really took at the facts and the narratives that we are being fed. Few things in this world can be taken at face value especially when it’s coming to you via a third party and not the actual person who actually, maybe or maybe not, experienced it.

“All day we’ve listened to everyone else tell a story they weren’t really party, putting this murder into a context that might not even match up with what really happened. We watched the defense try and say it was self-defense which doesn’t seem like what happened at all. From the facts alone, she took $7,000 out of her bank account the morning he was killed and had booked a ticket from Chicago to Seattle the week before. Looking at the witness accounts we can see that looked like she was subtly saying goodbye to her friends and co-workers. The prosecutors are saying this was all her planning a speedy getaway once she offed her boyfriend.”

Everyone in the room nodded and gestured for me to continue like they were all assuming that this was me talking myself into agreeing with them. The pure exasperation the had started to fill the room made the back of my neck tingle but I steadied myself with the reminder that someone had to put in the effort to see if there was another way things could have gone.

"At the same time, we also know that the victim, Marcus, and his friend, Theo, are fighting, physically and verbally, because Marcus got Theo's sister pregnant. It was proven that Marcus was the father through a DNA test taken a month after the child was born." I flipped to the third page in my notepad.

"She had asked Theo to drive her to the airport because she knew one) he wouldn't be scared by Marcus and 2) that he wouldn't ask any questions. This does seem suspicious but when you take into account the notably aggressive and persistent nature of her boyfriend it makes sense why she wouldn't want anyone to have any information about where she was going."

Jury 7, Lisa Parker, raised her hand and spoke quickly splitting the once concentrated attention of the other jurors, "This doesn't make her sound innocent. Yes, she may have been in an unfortunate situation but that level secrecy isn't needed. All you are doing is pointing out why Theo had been considered a person of interest earlier in the investigation."

I leaned forward and made sure to look her straight in the eyes, "Exactly, but why was he dismissed from being a person of interest?"

There was a mixture of shrugs and whys that fluttered around the group.

A resisted the slight glimmer of hope that arose in me at the thought that this might be enough to get the ball rolling in a better direction. Well, rolling in the direction that I want it to go.

"He said that by the time he came in Marcus was already dead which was later proven to be a lie that he excused by saying 'he was afraid of saying anything else because the truth was that he had been too shocked to really take in the situation'. When was last time you were soo shocked by any situation that you couldn't remember a single observation or fact like the guy was dead when you walked into the room?"

The first person to break from either zoned out irritation or memory recalling was jury 10, Isaiah Brown, nodded and looked at me with a noticeable shift in his eyes that let me know that not only was he actually listening to what I was saying but that he was starting to agree with me.

"I was in a car crash four years ago. I was disoriented, panicked, and injured but I still remember how long it took for an ambulance to arrive, what song had started playing before I crashed and the name of the person who talked to me while they pulled me out of the wreck, Emma. Sure, memory is fallible but you are right saying that it's not that fallible."

Jury 3, Javier Hernandez, snorted "You talk about it like you had some picture-perfect memory of the crash when in reality, where we live, you remembered some relatively easy pieces of information. Panic can easily make events hard to recall. Imagine having your friend's girlfriend kill your friend, see his dead body, and then be left alone with her, possibly still holding a gun, and tell me how much of that your brain wouldn't try and make you forget leaving you to try and pull yourself out of the mess so no one points the finger at you because you were rightfully angry at him instead of his delusional runaway girlfriend."

"I may not think she's innocent but I sure as hell know that she's not delusional. He was mistreating her and she had every right to be afraid. I just don't think that stopped her from killing him." Lisa placed her hands on the table and took on an 'I dare you' vibe she locked down her eyes on Mr. Hernandez.

He rolled his eyes and leaned back taking a sip of his coffee completely disengaging from the group.

"Look, I'm glad you are starting to see the holes in this case but that doesn't bring us any closer to an agreement or a majority vote." Taking a deep breath I got ready for the argument I knew was coming. "I think Theo Dane is the murderer and that Idina is innocent."

Eyes bulged and people pushed back from the table groaning or already speaking the first things that came to mind.

"I'll give you she may not be a murder but completely innocent is a stretch." I didn't even have time to look to see who spoke before another sentence caught my attention.

"Innocent really? What more evidence do you need besides a getaway plan, motive, and the weapon? Do you want witness testimony from a fly a wall?"

"Okay, no need to be dramatic just because it's not as obvious as it was before who killed him."

"It is very obvious you are all just being persuaded by a mediocre agreement of innocence."

"They are asking us to decide if she's guilty on the charge of murder not if she was an accomplice if you want to argue about that keep your mouth shut."

"HEY!"

Everyone shut up and looked at the foreman, Brett Romano, as he started handing out pieces of paper to everyone on the jury.

"We are redoing the vote to see where we stand. Maybe we don't even half to keep arguing and if we do we need to know how many people we would need for either need for a majority or unanimous vote."

Mr. Hernandez bent his neck to give me a very pointed look, "I think we all know how many votes we'll need to get this over with."

God, he is so arrogant.

Once everyone was sitting down he started a 3-minute timer for everyone to calm down, gather their thoughts, and cast their votes.

My hand didn't shake this time as I wrote innocent down. She didn't kill anyone. She was innocent. I knew it, Theo knew it, I just hoped they all knew it too.

Well, everyone except Mr. Hernandez. I think Lisa can be swayed.

we all drink from the same well regardless of how we got there. so, i'm going to say i understand your feeling because i didn't walk the path you took to this feeling but just know there is someone sitting here drinking the same old feelings at the same old place. alone till you came along. so sit by me and we don't have to talk. the best peace of mind comes when you meet someone who you don't have to talk to. splashing from buckets, sinking into the ground and moss-covered rocks we can all see you spilling out and just know, i've felt that. so sit down and don't hide because there is no need to hide.

my reflection has never seem so distorted. there was a time when I looked in the mirror and believed I had stolen the body and life of someone else. that if someone else was in my shoes my body, my mind, and my life would truly belong to them in way it never belonged to me. there was a time when I refused to spend time in mind in fear of my self catching up with me. then in glorious destruction that nearly lead to defeat i couldn't controll she caught me. i am me to the best of my ability. i don't love or hate myself any less but when i look in the mirror i look at myself.