I use to think I understood love, even knew it. I used to think love was singular, clean without difficulties. It’s always the curve balls you are thrown, that opens your eyes. Love is the one thing we will never quite understand. I must say, I’m glad as humans we can’t, that way we can’t destroy it. Love is so resilient it appears in the ugliest of places and situations, unexpected, without reason and always untainted.. You never ask for it, can never buy it and nothing you have can replace it.. We often miss it, because of the restrictions we place on it. And sometimes love has to be shared, it evolves, it moves, it moves us, it moves on. It even proves to us, it never was, even when we thought it was or it could be, or would stay.. Love is what it needs to be, when it needs to be, for who it needs be, however long it takes. Its the purest unpredictable feeling you ever know.

Why is death so painful? Let's switch that question around to a question so many people ask. Why is life so painful? Maybe death is so painful because we were too busy focusing on the struggles in life to wonder what we would do once they were gone. Once we were gone. Maybe, we were so busy obsessing over what was going wrong that we forgot something, we forgot that there is someone there for us, that we aren't alone no matter how alone we feel. Death is painful because when it is time to go, you are never ready. Death is so painful because you never know what you have until you loose it, but once you loose it, it's too late to cherish it. Humans live, maybe 100 years if they are lucky, possibly more. In the grand scheme of things, 100 years is a speck of dust. For some people, that's why death is painful, because after another 100 years, most likely, no one will really rememeber you, and you were too busy worrying about how to make six-figures to think about that! People are too busy to think about that, so when the time comes, you aren't ready. For some people that's why it's so painful. For most people though, I think it it just because death is a change, change is scary, it brings the unknown, but death is a change that you can't stop, you can't hold back, and despite that so many people have faced it, no one knows what it is like. So I guess I think death is painful because we aren't ready, no one is ready to leave, you have been here your whole life, like a childhood home, all that we can hope, is that we are moving to to a better place.

We don't talk anymore since I emotionally labotimized myself, I suppose. Sorry.

I get that you're still there, and you're healthy for me. I just don't want to deal with you.

Therefore I'll ignore you until someone else drags you out of me, kicking and screaming, and then I'll quickly banish you back before you vex me again.

I don't have time for you, honestly. I'm trying to survive here. You don't lend yourselves well to survival - well, that angry one of you in the back does, actually, so yard priveleges for you - but the rest of you, let's face it: you're dead weight.

I hate to say that, and I know in these enlightened times it's okay to open up and share your 'feelings' (gag) however if I may point out everybody shares you assholes so there's not exactly a limited supply. Watch, I can find an example with one click - boom, right there. Like ten examples. Everyone's miserable, lonely, depressed, anxious, etc. Ya'll are the flippin' Kardashians of human mentality.

So sorry but I ain't letting you drive this crazy train. If I gotta deal with the shit show that is reality right now I need the movers and the shakers, not the whiners and the bakers. Stay back and wait your turn. Maybe I'll listen at like 4 AM when I can't sleep. Or maybe I'll let you out after I've had a few drinks and I'm in a state where I don't have to function for a few hours.

However soon as boots hit the pavement that's it, ya'll gotta zip it and sit it - don't bug out, don't complain, don't panic, and basically don't make me come back there. You won't like me when I have to come back there. I call out bullshit for breakfast; half of you ain't rational and you know it. You're just looking for negativity like a drama addict with a tragedy problem.

Everyone copacetic? Good. Stay that way.

You, angry kid, tone it down and you can have an alt-beats cookie. You're alright.

<reloads the coffee>

I would choose to disappear, then expose all the liars and cheaters. I'd do everything in my power to make the world a more transparent and better place. Scheming politicians would be exposed, as well as crooked cops, and dirty corperations. After all the stones have been left upturned, I'd reappear, in a safer and fairer world.

Hey Mr. Epstein, oh hey Mr. E.

On armrest hog charges, you've pleaded guilty.

I'm joking, of course, for your only known fault

Is ripping your pretzel snack, spilling the salt.

No pressure in cabin, no turbulence here;

The skies are not cloudy; the landing strip's clear.

Now close your tray table and overhead bin;

The upright position please put your seat in.

The captain is switching the seat belt sign on -

It's gleaming bright orange like your bestie Don.

Heed not those flashing red lights on the ground;

It's standard procedure for where you are bound.

You think that was bumpy, well, buckle up tight.

I'll see you around (in news headlines tonight).

Float little drops, fast as you can.

Find a canal in this sexy woman.

For she will carry me and create me unknown.

She will honor me and brag until my gender is known.

Inside the softness, I will grow from a spot.

My body will form starting with my heart.

I will grow in her near organs and more.

I will feed on her through her umbilical cord.

I will float around kicking everything in sight.

I will push my way around until my cord gets tight.

I will stretch and play with my fingertips.

I will cry inside and way heavy on her hips.

I am almost seven pounds nine to ten months later.

I am being pushed out now by My Mother, My Creator.

Clinging to you instinctively, now almost a week after my due date

My tiny soul absorbed the pain of a runaway mind.

I didn't want to leave you

But the disjointed thunder claps

And radiant dinnerplate moon

Reflected the sense of urgency into my little ocean.

Dumped out like a dirty wash bucket

I had already soiled myself out of desperation.

My first heartbreak:

This was the closest we'd ever be.

Frustration is lacking patience with stupid people. Frustration is road rage. Frustration is intolerance toward an idea that is opposite your own. It is different than anger, but frustration can lead to anger.

What frustrates me are things that are out of my control, so really I'm not often frustrated.

With all this chaos in the world, we start to feel like it is shaping us, like it's something we can't control.

I'm here to tell you, it's okay to slow down. Especially now, it is essentail to sculpt your reality and place more emphasis on the things you truly value.

In this crazy time, cultivate peace and sanity by returning to the foundation.

You don't have to be productive everyday, and sometimes rest itself can help us be more productive.

During the lockdown, I have gotten to spend more quality time at home with my family, something I would not have had the chance to do otherwise.

I have also gotten the chance to practice more self-care, doing things like journaling, meditating, and taking walks almost daily.

Society puts so much pressure on us to be successful; we forget to live our lives in order to achieve somthing "greater than ourselves." This is an unreasonable expectation-- not everyone is going to be the next great artist, writer, or entreperneur (and it's certainly not going to happen over a period of 6 months).

With everything that's going on in the world, we just need to let go. We need to prioritize the important things that bring us the most long-term joy.

Yes, it is important to stay present and informed in this ever-changing world, but it is equally important to consume it in healhty doses in order to stay sane.

It's okay to slow down, to be greatful for your life, to soak in each small moment.

Because we don't know how long it will last.

This could be our lowest point. Or it could be relative calm before the storm.

There is no way to know.

This is why it is important to value the challenges we face. There is no doubt, this moment in time will shape our future selves, so don't face it with apathy-- be the sculpter of your own life.

A tiny head bursting forth.

A loud cry held in for months.

Tiny lungs breathing. Tiny eyes squinting.

A mother's pain subsiding at the joy of holding such a babe.

And, to think, I almost never was.

A woman travailing in unknown ailment.

A doctor providing medicine that shouldn't be.

At the discovery of why, it appeared too late.

The words slid from his lips; "Abort it."

So, you see, I almost never was.

A persistent new mother and father saying: "No."

A couple embracing the idea of parenthood.

An attorney advising to hope for the worst-

To have a valid case of malpractice.

Apparently, I almost never was.

A world plotting to kill an innocent life.

A basket of fruit uneaten.

A rollercoaster ride turned down.

Budding young love fighting to protect an even younger sprout.

A shame to think I almost never was.

But, at long last, a healthy girl.

Defying killers' endeavors since fetal state.

A miracle at first breath,

And still defying odds today.

And, to think, I almost never was.