Words come to me in abundance

I use them not, in times like this.

I let you continue meandering about,

I let you build emotion, angst, anxiety, doubt.

My greatest of weapons is sometimes other's largest weakness

when applied properly, I watch even the mightiest minds bleed.

So they continue on with composed and educated route

and I don't even let one single word out.

Then the fun begins : a physical dance is garnishment to words

I continue staring holes through them, so hard , they might burn

Sometimes they'll appear near face, raising voice and increasing exasperation

I hold tongue tight : they may have verbal diarrhea, I'll have constipation.

Eventually it becomes evident that perhaps I don't care

and as they start waning, I hold ground just right there:

They are creatures of orbit and come back to talking and being distraught

wondering how one so silent could bring utter oblivion, destruction wrought.

The beauty in my tactic, is I never share it with you, I merely give context clues

You plead your case once, twice, three times even, and walk away darkest blue

I'll not raise hand, or perform the dance you've rehearsed so well

But I'm happy to impart unto you just a small piece of my living hell:

Ignorance is bliss thus I ignore you

I find a smile, you find abuse.

You are almost caged by no construct or verbalization

Because I said nothing, and that's too real, a realization

Now if only, this meant you could feel the aches and pains I suffered in mine.

I'd flip that switch in a heartbeat, I'd toss you in , my concubine.

The agreement is clear, though perhaps not in paper

we are this, perhaps in some cases less than, but never greater.

To ignore one in time of desperation isn't one of the listed sins

but man, is it just as aggressive to one in emotional rift

My mouth remains but closed, my mind knows it's a weakness exposed

You continue speaking, words heard, understood, but no further they go.

You can't win the game, if the other party wasn't playing

simple enough, but did you miss what I was saying?

I'm not the pawn waiting for the next move

I'm the king that stayed put, ruling his land, power proved.

Though they may echo in my heart when the wall nearest my heart crumbles

It'll be long after you've dressed the part of the fool who curses and stumbles

They'll wonder how I did it , to put up with a creature driven so mad

and they'll never understand I did it, and I'll say," I couldn't help but feel bad"

Ah the villainy and irony indeed.

My fingers turned ice cold

My heart skipped a beat

As I held onto your hand

Afraid that if I let go

You would fall into peace

Selfish was I, I still am

I'm afraid I'll always be

My palms turned sweaty

But the cold refused to leave

The thumping against my chest

With each beat grew

Stronger than the rest

Striking, struggling

Pounding against walls built

Of bones, trying to break

Open my rib cage,without a key

Soreness erupted suddenly

Despite a hundred beats per minute

The hundred and oneth left me

Gasping

Gasping in disbelief

Gasping for air

Gasping for life

Your life

Not mine

I knew your time was near

But that near would be now, was my biggest fear

My heart tried with all it's might

To beat for you

To pump blood through my veins

Fast enough

To turn my monotonous flow

Into turbulent waves

In hopes that my red sea

Gushing and foaming

Would work well

As a substitute

For your failing pump

I loved you and I still do

Even though your eyes were closed

I know that you knew

Which is why when

My fingertips turned to ice

And my heart skipped a frantic beat

Yours did too

Our hearts in perfect unison

For one glorious short-lived moment

Only the warmth never returned

To your palms

And yours skipped more than one too many

When I heard the long drawn

BEEP

Searing, scorching heat

Trickled down my flustered cheeks

I pressed my palm against yours

But you didn't reciprocate

Instead when I loosened my grip

Your hands fell limp

Your sudden absence altered my fate

I look back now and I'm glad, in a way

You've broken chains which held you down

Failing organs that left permanent creases

Bed ridden for years, you crumbled to pieces

Now you've been revived, better than ever

Soar with the angels and I'll forever remember

if i were to paint

each freckle on your face

would it resemble

a late night sky?

would you let me

connect the dots to create

small constellations

before we died?

could your eyes

imitate venus and mars

if mine only

were neptune and earth?

if i build you

a spaceship to visit the sun

would you give me

all you're worth?

could you be the center

of my gravity

if I could get my lips

to smile?

when the stars would explode

and we'd end in flames

at least we'd go out

in style.

My life is moving in slow motion

When I was younger,

I never fell from a tree

I never played hide and seek

I never saw first love

I never had a true friend.

When I was younger,

I never hid away from my family

I never trapped myself in a room

I never did something out of adrenaline

I never was an adolescent

When I was younger, I used to make

People laugh while on the inside

I had to bear with brewing storms

And darkest silences

When I was younger

I never gave my first kiss

When I was younger, I never felt loved

By someone who was not a relative

I never knew what passion felt like

While hiding, feeling scared of getting caught

When I was younger all my life was solitude

When I was younger, nobody knew

I needed everybody

Because I was dying alone

When I was younger, I knew

I was surrounded by love

My mother, my father, my sister and my aunts and uncles

Grandparents

But never a first love.

Now that I am 23, I look back at those lines

And still weep until I can drain the darkest ocean inside me

Now that I am 23...

What am I?

DA 2015