Chin kept centimetres above my chest by the booze.

I’m awake late, even in the mornings.

Sitting on a cloud of ethanol,

Drifting low, sweeping over the people beneath,

Always about to rain.

Everyone grabs their umbrella just in case.

Lazily looking for your eyes,

Trying to meet them,

Just so you’ll see when mine float away,

So you’ll cry when I do.

I get looked over,

Ignored,

Forgotten,

So many times

I wonder if people can see me.

I wonder if I even exist.

Is my body transparent?

Is my voice gone?

Am I even noticeable?

All I have

Are my words

Written on a page

For all to see.

All I'm noticed for

Are these poems and works,

Detailing my thoughts.

Helping me find myself

In a world where I

Don't even think

I exist.

Listen to your heart,

follow your soul.

You will find the the person

who will make you whole.

Listen to the murmurs,

follow the whispers.

And you will find the answers,

to all your questions.

If betrayed by your heart

and untamed are the whispers.

Clear your mind,

don’t be tempted by gestures.

Burned by desire,

you’ll find nothing.

When you turn around,

I’ll b there smiling.

Sorry for the mixed signals

that i couldn’t comprehend.

Sorry for the beating heart,

that I knew I’d broken

but couldn’t mend.

I loved your way too much.

To let you know I cried.

But now, when we are parting

at least, I KNOW YOU TRIED.

Why do I love you?

Is it because of how you look?

You are beautiful from head to toe

In every cranny and nook

Your loveliness shone out to me

From the first time we met

That feeling's only grown stronger

It hasn't left me yet

Why do I love you?

Is it because of how you feel

Your outpouring of emotions

That you release with zeal

You have the biggest, sweetest heart

That is overflowed with love

Giving to all and everyone

Wanting help from no man's glove

Why do I love you?

Is it because of how you think

Never afraid to self express

Against some other click

The values that you hold close

Make you the woman that you are

Out there amongst the millions

The brightest shining star

Why do I love you?

It's because of all of this and more

You are the key that went into my lock

To open up my door

The piece of missing jigsaw

That made my picture whole

I love you always, everyday

With all my heart and soul

People have been asking me how I'm doing and if I'm alright and on que my response is always a "yes", but that is the furthest thing from the truth. I am not alright. I am walking around in a perpetual sense of denial. I am separating  my conscious mind from my reality and choosing to focus on my daily duties in life like taking my child to school and picking her up, going to the grocery store and other tasks of that nature. I am attempting to deny myself the harsh reality that I face with the loss of my two greatest influences in my life, my parents. Both passed away due to illnesses within a two week period of each other. One loss is devastating, but two is life shattering and I am having a hard time coping.

We all, the majority anyways, deal with death in a way that we, consciously or subconsciously, try not to think about. We attempt to put it out of our minds. I know I will die one day, but ideally it will be surrounded by immediate family at the ripe old age of 100. This is the one thing, most people want to put off as long as possible. But what happens when you are given a time frame on the number of days you have to walk this earth? The denial and avoidance may occur and the "why me's" and the "why God's" surface as well, but eventually the acceptance sets in. At least I hope it does. At that point, do things become more precious? Do the seconds, minutes, hours and days that are taken for granted become the invaluable golden grains of sand that occupy our lives finite hour glass of time?

     With my parents, in a sense, I am trying to not think of them as deceased, simply rationalizing it like they are on an extended vacation, but at times when I need advice or want to talk, that void, that deep dark caverness void is felt torturing my soul. It leaves me with feelings of a piercing flaming spear ripping gaping holes through my emotions. It is the hulking elephant in the room that I don't want to aknowledge and it's bearing down on my thoughts so much so, that when the subject of the two is brought to my attention, I crumble to pieces. I pride myself on not being overly emotional, but there are times when I'm by myself, an overwhelming sense of hurt consumes me and I'm flooded with feelings I try unsuccesfully to supress and bury. I am not fine, but it's OK.

    I am of the firm belief that whatever you are dealing with in life can be overcome in time with patience, perseverance and understanding. You have to be patient with the situation, whatever it may be no matter how daunting. It will not last. Like a surfer riding a wave, there are highs and lows that life throws at you. See the experience for what it is. You have the persevere through it in order to come out on the other side with a new and hopefully deeper level of understanding. I am still working on that. For now, I am mourning my losses and riding this wave of emotion. I remember the lessons my parents taught me and my siblings which reverberate in my mind and are ever present when I make decisions and I am slowing becoming the man they wanted me to be. A man that is independent,  dependable and responsible for his own family. I have big shoes to fill and I can't thank them enough, right now I'm at a loss for sure, but in time I will be able to say that I'm truly "fine" and mean it.

I look in the mirror

My reflection

Small, pale

Bright eyes

Red lips

Raven hair gracing shoulders

Is this really me?

I walk into the college

Top student

Best in class

Dedicated worker

Eraser shavings and

Long nights spent in study

Is this really me?

I stand up on the stage

Concertmaster

Experienced violinist

Beautiful music

From a fierce soloist

Is this really me?

I hold you close

Shy smile

Quirky humor

Deep thinker

Always wanting to help

Is this really me?

A Japanese girl, efficient at school

A skilled musician, unique personality.

A description that could fit anyone

What is the truth that makes me unique?

Who is really me?

*Pause* On the bright side, I’ve never been suicidal. On the down side, I’ve considered homicide quite a bit. *Rewind*

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. I want to do this. I’m not cloudy. I’m motivated. *Rewind*

I feel like there’s a haze that’s lifting. There’s a clear path towards it and I see no other options in my scope. *Rewind*

My parents keep talking to me like nothing is wrong. I wish they’d talk to me like something is wrong. I think something is wrong. *Rewind*

Numb. I’m just numb now. Nothing hurts. Nothing feels good either. Nothing. *Rewind*

I’m not sure where my head is at lately. Days are blurring together. It’s as if a fog has settled over my consciousness. *Rewind*

The comments feel like they’re beginning to wear on me. The jokes aren’t quite landing in the right spots anymore. *Rewind*

I heard a good joke today. It stung a bit but I giggled a little. *Rewind*

Everything is fine. My friends are growing and changing and so am I. My parents have been in a mood but it’s fine. They’re fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. *Rewind*

I guess when you’ve had it good for so long you don’t really know it until it changes. Faces change. Places change. People change. I hope I don’t. *Rewind*

Another day, another smile. This one no different than the last. My face is starting to hurt though. I think it just needs a quick second to relax. This is just the beginning. *Fast forward*

*Stop* In no way do I feel ready to die. I have more to do here. I can’t let this go though. I’m not ready to die, but I’m ready for them to die. *Fast forward*

It’s not that I was born this way or that a screw fell loose in the bustle of the machinery. I’m cool and calm about this. I have a point to prove. I have a message to send. *Fast forward*

They won’t believe it’s me. They’ll search in their minds for the parts of me they think they know best and deny the reality in front of them. They’ll reject the thought of it. In hindsight, they’ll all say they saw signs. *Fast forward*

They don’t know me or my feelings. They’ve never felt this. I’m powerful now. I wasn’t before. I’ll make sure they notice. *Fast forward*

The steel in my hands is foreign but in a way, familiar. Comforting. *Forward*

Cold. I’m so cold. Heat rises though. I’m rising. *Forward*

Melting. Absolute fire. I’m drenched in sweat but my partner is still calm and cool in my bag. My conviction. *Forward*

The moments are fusing now. Head spinning. This is the time. This is my time. *Forward*

My partner is by my side. Everything has slowed. All is calm. Pressure builds slowly inside. I see them. My students. I’m here as their teacher. I must teach. *Press play*

The room is silent. I stand alone in a class of seated bodies. I’m reading their eyes. Some fearful. Some acknowledging. Some surprised. Some to my surprise are not surprised. I am a mind reader. Everyone is honest in their unwavering gaze. Is this the answer I’ve been seeking? If so, what was my question? Has it changed? Have I? *Stop*